Friday, December 31, 2010

My New Year's Resolutions

And just in time to ring in the New Year, I present the funny and talented Jason Avant. For this installment of the Twelve* Bloggers of Christmas, he shares his resolutions for 2011. I'm sure you'll find them eye-opening. Reflective. Inspiring. Evocative. And so forth and so on...

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Like many of you, I look to the coming of a new year with great anticipation: a new year offers us the chance to better ourselves, to accomplish goals, to seek out new challenges. Also, a new year means more movies based on comic books. And so we come up with resolutions, and we do our very best to stick to them.

Problem is, if you're like me, those resolutions typically have a shelf life of five days. Every January 1st, it's the same: I'm gonna lose weight, write more, find new hobbies, get back into old ones. And then Real Life sticks out a foot and sends me sprawling. I agree with resolutions in theory; it's the execution that makes them dicey, and as they fall one by one, I feel the sting of failure. So this year, I've decided to make my resolutions much more attainable. I want to look back on 2011 as a year of accomplishment, when I made promises to myself and kept them, and became a better, stronger person as a result. 

So. Resolved:

I will not use the phrase "n'est-ce pas".

I will not go hang gliding.

I will not refer to a male friend as "broham".

I will not refer to a female friend as "lady".

I will not keep a mongoose as a pet.

I will not take up golf.

I will not hide behind a bush and throw oysters at passing motorists. 

I will not sell my children to North Korean black market kidney vendors.

I will not accuse Subway employees of witchery.

I will not wear suspenders. 

I will not drink Bud Light.

I will not go to Lion Tamer Academy, even if they give me that scholarship, which they should, because my essay was awesome.

I will not buy a guard mule. (I think guard mules are illegal in California anyway. Guard donkeys are fine, if you have a permit.)

I will not join a Fantasy Curling League.

I will not eat any food whose name contains the letter "x".

I know. I still set the bar pretty high. But nothing worthwhile is easy, and I'm confident that I'll be able to stick to most of these. Wish me luck! Now, since I have a few more days until 2011...where I'd put the goddamn oysters?
 
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Remember that Jason is the head honcho over at DadCentric, but he can also be found at:
(and, of course, The Twitter) @PetCobra

*Do I still need to remind you, even?


18 comments:

  1. ROFL!! This was awesome!!! Happy New Year to you and your family!!!

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  2. Love it! Oh, the list of things I'm not gonna do is starting to bounce around in my head. I think I'll start with "I will not serve chocolate covered brussels sprouts to my children."

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  3. very nice. although i do love the phrase 'n'est-ce pas' and think you may want to have this be the one resolution you break in 2011.

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  4. Damn. I was hoping, "n'est-ce pas," would become part of everyday language. Shoot.

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  5. I once used "n'est-ce pas" while ordering at a French restaurant. The waiter brought me a shoe with cheese on it. Never again.

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  6. You really think you're going to be able to go a WHOLE YEAR without playing golf in suspenders while drinking a Bud Lite, Broham?

    We'll talk in February.

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  7. That's aweseome!! Nicely done!! I wish you luck in reaching those goals for 2011!

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  8. Stay strong, broham! If you can stick to even half of those, you're a better man than I am.

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  9. And here I've made the same resolution I made last year (and make every year, cause it's easy to keep!):

    I RESOLVE NOT TO MAKE RESOLUTIONS.

    Aye,
    Scratch

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  10. Excellent resolutions. Although should that scholarship for Lion Taming be offered I could see how a person could waver a bit. ;)

    Happy New Year everyone!

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  11. This reminds me of when one of my college roommates would give up watermelon for Lent. Very brave.

    That said: good luck getting through the year without Pixie Stix.

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  12. Crikey, TwoBusy, you stepped on my line!

    Good luck getting through 2011 without resolve.

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  13. Subway only hires goths n vampires. I know cause my daughter has worked there for 3 years.

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  14. HILARIOUS! :D thank you for sharing. happy new year! :D

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  15. Look.
    All the other beer may disappear and Bud Light may be your only option. There is no such thing as bad beer if it's still sealed and it's free AND you want one badly enough.
    I just think you've hemmed yourself in here a little too much, is all I'm saying.

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  16. Subway only hires goths n vampires. I know cause my daughter has worked there for 3 years.

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  17. And here I've made the same resolution I made last year (and make every year, cause it's easy to keep!):

    I RESOLVE NOT TO MAKE RESOLUTIONS.

    Aye,
    Scratch

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  18. ROFL!! This was awesome!!! Happy New Year to you and your family!!!

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