Sunday, December 19, 2010

And a Partridge in the Front Grill

For obvious reasons, I've been trying to curb some of my more obnoxious behavior since I've had children. (What? The poop post? Yeah, well, BABY STEPS, okay?)  In fact, just the other day, I was watching PBS  and they suggest that you don' act like an overstressed, sleep-deprived, life-drained dick in front of you kids! Go figure!

Anyway, one of the behaviors I've seen the most progress with is my road rage. For instance, before I had children, any leisurely drive typically consisted of roughly five slamming of the horns, four riding of the asses, three cutting of the offs, two flailing of the arms, one flipping of the bird, and a partridge in the fucking front grill.

Now, just the other day, I was on my way to pick up Plus One from preschool. It was about 11:15am, and I had T9 strapped in the back while I tried to teach him how to cry to The Little Drummer Boy, which played on the radio.  We were driving along this one particular stretch of road where the speed limit is precisely 40 mph. Though, I should say, it IS one of those roads where you just want to drive 60 for some reason, whether it's the windy turns, the country setting, or that ONE-LANE TUNNEL THAT'S UP AHEAD OHMYGOD HEAD-ON COLLISION.  Oh, and there's the occasional prancing deer as well.  It even says so on the signs.

Anyway, we're sniffling to Christmas songs in unison when a maroon sedan suddenly creeps up on my ass.  And remains parked on my ass for miles.  (Or like, A mile. I'm not good with spacial estimations.)  Now, I can see this woman in my rear-view mirror and she is HELLA pissed that I am going 44 mph. H-E-L-L-A.  But, while I could feel the rage boiling into my chest, I labored to take a deep breath and calm the fuck down. Why should I take her ridiculous behavior personally, after all? She will figure it out! You're OK! I'm OK! We're all gonna be OK!


Well, after a million more miles, OR SOMETHING, she began gesticulating wildly and it became immensely difficult not to drive while looking solely in the rear view mirror to watch the spectacle.  And get enraged.  So, whereas my former self would have shifted into second gear abruptly, forcing her to slam on her breaks and possibly rear end me BUT WHO CARES BECAUSE I GOTCHYA BITCH! HAHAHAHAHA!, I took another (labored) deep breath and decided to pull off to the side so that she could pass me.  Who knows! Maybe she was late for work?  Someone dying in the hospital?  A bad case of the runs? I drove a bit further until there was a safe place to pull over, and no sooner did I put on my blinker did she floor it and lay on her horn.  I smiled as she sped past.

As I flipped her the bird.

(Baby steps, remember?)

(And for what it's worth, I caught up to her at a stop sign where I saw her squeal into the Stewart's parking lot. Sometimes running out of milk can be urgent, you know?)


  1. Wow that took a lot of self-control! I woulda slammed on my brakes and got her gooood. Ahh the advantages of being single and kidless...I may never get wifed up.

  2. There was one guy driving like a complete dick, and when he saw I was laughing at him, he pretty much tried to kill me with his crappy little beater for the next ten miles. To the point that other people were swerving out of the way. Sometimes I think it would be a good idea if car exhaust had fumes of valium in it.

  3. I used to go out of my way to make that person late (if thats the case) but have calmed down with age.

    Although if the car they are driving is even slightly worse then mine, I won't flip them off or gesture wildly as they pass me. I'll instead try to keep up just long enough for them to see me pointing at their car and laughing. Now THAT pisses them off.


  4. You're way better than me. Despite my repeated vows to behave myself while driving with the Mini-Pirate in the back seat, I'm pretty sure the kid now has a outstanding vocabulary of profane language.

    Oh well.

  5. I hate people when they don't consider their road mates that well.. I mean for me..I'm a student driver..and every time those freaking reckless drivers gonna honk their horns on my back because I'm getting to slow... for them... can't they read on the driver's manual... when a car is getting to slow consider them as students, or some who lost his way.. or someone with a child maybe!

  6. I'm impressed with your restraint. We live in a town where the speed limits are usually 30(!) mph, so imagine the kind of potential for reckless driving for both the people going 20 mph and the people going 40 mph.

    I've learned to restrain myself - whenever I get either of those people, I take a deep breath, calmly grasp the wheel, and mutter something about them dying in a fire.

  7. very proud of you and yes baby steps are good

  8. Where's my damn comment? I hate failing to enter secret codes and do internet fist bump routines or whatever to get into the comment club. I always forget!

    So, yeah, I said something about how getting myself rear-ended by a tailgater would make me feel like a champ. Like I go tone over on that sucker. Except, of course, for the part where I might end up in traction.

  9. I used to have a friend who would tap the brake just enough for the brake light to flash.... That'll teach 'em.

  10. ohhhh yeah. i do that brake-tap thing. i love it! i also shake my finger at them, while slowing down... is that evil? hmmm. : )

  11. I like to wait until THEY flip the bird and then wave back like I haven't a clue in the world... And then their head explodes. :)

  12. this is totally me. i have the worst road rage EVER.

  13. There is a Bumper sticker I have. I think it would be great for you as well.

    "Bet you a new car I can stop faster then you can."

    I don't have a problem with tailgaters.

  14. I drive a F150 4X4 truck, also live in BFE, I have to really pay attention to my urges to not drive over the top of people who won't get the hell outa my way. Seems like I always end up being the one that gets stuck behind Granny on the 2 lane stretch of highway going 35mph when the speed limit is clearly 55... and its not even a Sunday.

  15. I laughed until I peed reading this.

    Also, the behavior I need to work on is calmly asking the kids to get their damn coats on in a faster than snail pace fashion. Please and motherfuckinthankyou.

  16. Neecie: I wanted to soooooooo badly.

    unmitigated me: Oh, haha! I've done that before too! I love doing the little smiley wave as they speed past on the highway. But one time, the guy chased me to the next light, pulled alongside, and started berating me and my entire family. So, that part wasn't so fun.

    Simple Dude: Yes, as I said above, I'm a fan of making people angry. Heh. But I'm also scared of dying a bit moreso.

    DP: Well, I had my 2 year old in the car, and the gross motor skill of isolating the middle finger in a raised fashion seemed like the more age appropriate exercise.

    Kamila: It's true. Something about being in a car that makes people feel less responsible and more detached from the human race.

    Adam L: See, and if I were behind someone going 20 in a 30, I'd get stabby, too. I'm a full-on hypocrite.

    becca: Thanks, girl :)

    Nicole: Sorry about your comment; that's yet ANOTHER thing that fills me with rage! But yes, I would feel WAY victorious if she'd rear ended me. But then less so when she emerged with a blunt object with which to beat me.

    Big Girl Jewelry: This is why I love driving a standard.

    carmar76: I was once being tailgated on a highway, going like 70mph, while pregnant and hormonally charged. I called the cops as he sat on my ass, gave them his license plate number, and then waved my phone at him. WIN! I passed him later, pulled over by a trooper.

    Chl: Me too :) That's about as zen as I get when dealing with asshole drivers.

    Kristin: Are you from New York, like me? My husband claims this is the culprit.

    Not the Hero: I WANT!

    Miss Rosie: Those people are just as dangerous as the ones that speed. I came up on a old lady once, going like 40 in a 65 and nearly collided with her ass.

    Teisha: My goal is to make you urniate! But DUDE, YES. Getting out the door with my two boys? HATEHATEHAAAAATE.

  17. My kids language skills have improved all as a direct result of riding as passengers in my car. Good times.

  18. Last time someone was tailgating me I pulled over to turn off onto a side street and let them pass. They were so impatient to get past me they RAN OVER THE REAR END of my car and kept going without stopping! People scare me!

  19. Last time someone was tailgating me I pulled over to turn off onto a side street and let them pass. They were so impatient to get past me they RAN OVER THE REAR END of my car and kept going without stopping! People scare me!