Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Meme! A Meme! An Internet Meme!

Some random thoughts for you on this fine Tuesday of OHMYGODIHAVESOMUCHBAKINGTODO and DIDIMENTIONTHEOCTOPUSCAKE?!

Ahem.

1. I accidentally used my husband's body wash in the shower the other day. Rather than wash it off, I made the conscientious decision not to wash it off and went about my day smelling of MAN in an attempt at some sort of really awesome sociological experiment.  But I forgot what the premise was after about hour one because I just smelled so. damn. good. And, really, if WE like the scent, why are THEY wearing it?  (In retrospect, this seems to have much to do with my CK1 obsession in the 1990's. And my affection for Salvation Army old man pants.)

2. The other day, I was scrubbing toilets, because that's just what I do sometimes. I scrub the fucking toilets. Anyway, I glance down at this new cleaner I'd gotten at the store and noticed the warning labels for the first time. Let's just sway they were quite unsettling. Eye protection REQUIRED?  Eh, my glasses should do, right?  Well at precisely that moment, a bit of the liquid cancer dripped onto my rubber gloves and created some sort of noxious plastic-melting fume. I'm pretty sure there was some green mist as well, but I can't be sure because I think I'm still in a coma.

3. I have egg carton OCD. Well, I mean, I've got a lot of OCD, but one of my worst is in regard to egg cartons.  Specifically, it's an issue of balance. In other words, what is done to one side MUST be done to the other. Allow me to demonstrate:

Unacceptable:
 Acceptable:
And GOD FORBID you require an odd number of eggs. Some might say it's the work of a mathematial mind. Others would chalk it up to insanity. And, well, since I'm no good at math, I suppose it'd have to be the latter.

4. The other day, I received an email from my child's preschool teacher informing us of next week's events.  Included was the following:

And on Wednesday, the Pastor will be in to "enlighten" the children.

I feel this is an unfortunate use of quotation marks.


5. It's winter in New York, which means that my skin has taken on the appearance of EW. GRRROOOSSS. And after reflecting upon my unfortunate skin issue for much longer than is appropriate, I began to have what can only be described as a motherfucking epiphany.  Because, these callouses on my hands and feet (stop drooling, you!) seems to also correlate with my new found Internet-based employment!  It only follows then, YOU GUYS, that we need to rethink our archaic notions of MANUAL LABOR!

Look at me! Changing the WOOORRRLLLLD!


So, the other day, I presented to my husband this thesis on the evolving state of mankind's callouses, suggesting that my work on the computer should clearly count as manual labor. Because, LOOK AT THESE MAN HANDS, BABE!  But then he was all BUZZKILL when he showed me HIS hands and mumbled something about "no sensation" and "motherfucking airplanes." So that's when I heated up my paraffin because that tone is doing NOTHING for my cuticles, darling.

6. My husband keeps changing the voice on our GPS to the British chick. I'm guessing it's because she is callous-free. And maybe has no issues with things like WHO TOOK THESE EGGS OUT OF THE CARTON LIKE THIS, GODDAMNIT?!

*****
randomtuesday

So, this is my virgin voyage into the world of Random Thoughts Tuesday, hosted by Keely, the Un-Mom. She's pretty stellar, that girl. You should try it out too, no?


23 comments:

  1. I think I just met my egg carton soul mate. I'm the exact same (weird) way about that myself. I've even tossed an egg out to equalize the damn carton.

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  2. I am the same way with the egg carton thing. But I will allow there to be an odd number of eggs in the carton, as long as it's not for an even number of days. Ok, just made that shit up. But the carton thing is true.

    SD
    simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com

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  3. Sometimes when I go to work I attempt to "teach" the students.
    Nope. Those are EXCELLENT quotation marks.

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  4. I have the exact same view on the egg carton situation. Have you ever picked up an egg carton that had all of the eggs on one end? You'll damn near drop it if you're not expecting it. Totally unacceptable! I can't say that I go so far as to keep it an even # of eggs, but we can just let that be your thing...

    Consumed: My Culinary Adventure

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  5. Egg carton OCD...this post is like my first foray into AA or NA or NRA (but clearly after tonight, not NBA)...whatever...all of a sudden I don't feel so alone in the world.

    And mens' body wash...yummy! Once I bought the stuff I like on my husband for my teenage boys and had to take it away from them bc it was too disconcerting.

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  6. I think everybody is a closet egg case with the whole carton thing. Everybody except the people you live with, of course. I always have to like, balance them all out. It's pathetic.

    Also, I have never cleaned a toilet since I read this internet article (I need to stop reading those) where a cleaning lady got knocked out or something after the bleach in her cleaner mixed with the ammonia in the pee and it turned into some, like, volatile substance that can kill your brain. I was horrified, and I don't inhale when I clean now.

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  7. I sometimes buy and wear men's fragrances just because I like the smell so much.

    And I share your egg carton OCD.

    Re: toilet cleaning, I usually can't read the labels anyhow (since I live abroad, they are usually in some foreign language like Hungarian or Polish . . .). I just curse the Women's Movement as I scrub for leading me to believe that if I got an education, I would be able to afford to pay some OTHER woman to scrub my toilet. So far, that really isn't working out in spite of a Master's degree.

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  8. Oh GOD. The egg carton thing. I feel ya. My Mother leaves the SHELLS in the carton. *twitch/cringe*

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  9. Have you ever noticed men like the GPS to give directions in a woman's voice instead of a man's? I don't think they like a man to tell them what to do, but they are used to women bitching at them.

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  10. i'm an interpreter and i always catch flak from my friends because i dont have a labor intensive job, but i do work with my hands though! american sign language dont sign itself! i just do pull ups everyday to get those calluses on my hands so i can feel more like i'm a manly man that comes home at the end of the day and desrves to kick back and drink a beer. (even though i quit drinking 10 days ago (yay me! ( stab me now))). anyways. i'm trying to get my internet hustle on too! i started teaching sign language on youtube, lol, there are links in my blog if youre so inclined to visit. i have mixed feelings about this though. do you think that my family will think i'm exploiting their deafness?? food for thought. sometimes i feel like i do profit from their deafness just being an interpreter. see, this is why i deserve to come home and kick back and drink a beer, all this ethical ness cloggin up my brainwaves, its exhausting.

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  11. Your blog ate my comment. Dammit! And I was like, the second commenter. And I was funny. Something about if your boy comes home and tells you that Satan is doing some funny thing with your soul or something garble garble, you should consider him "enlightened." Ho hum. Point is, A++++ post!

    And, yes, I did remember to type in the secret nonsense word of the day. Probably.

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  12. I have egg carton OCD too!!! I'd never even thought about it before! I think my lack of awareness somehow makes it worse... Great post!

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  13. Haha! My husband has some obsession with the GPS lady with the Australian accent...who knows...must be a guy thing.

    yhs.

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  14. Item #5. Aveno body wash and Burt's Bees Lemon Butter cuticle creme.

    I suppose there's just no room in the egg-OCD world for the open-air loose egg storage bin? My fridge came with it...

    Happy baking. :)

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  15. I prefer staggered eggs in my carton if they are in odd numbers. Just sayin'. You never know what might help.

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  16. Why do they even make cleaner that is so toxic. I mean really.

    I was just glad to read of your crazies. Glad I'm not alone.

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  17. Excellent... as always you have me cracking up. I'm totally on board with the egg OCD. I've been known to purchase a second carton of eggs simply to even out the first one. It's a sickness.

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  18. Those quotation marks are very very scary since the pastor is involved.

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  19. About man perfume: CK's Farenheit. (fuck the spelling) I don't care if it's 'guy' stuff. Suck it, I'm wearing it.

    I thought I was unique with the egg carton thing. Way to go bursting my special snowflake bubble.

    I don't clean toilets. I tell Spouse there's something wrong with them and he looks at them with horror and takes it upon himself to ministrate to them while diagnosing their problems. There's nothing like a struggle with a drain snake to put a dirty bowl into perspective. I have no shame.

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  20. Nicely done - you random like a seasoned pro.

    I hear you can buy a GPS that gives directions in the voices of various Star Wars characters: think Darth Vader telling you to get off at the next exit. Or Yoda telling you: "Arrived at your destination, you have." Awesome? Right? Come on.

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  21. OCD... i would want to have that disease..only bec.. it do something good... anyway... sometimes I also got that ideas too when getting eggs from the carton..

    hahaha... random random

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  22. You blog is so funny! Keep it up!

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  23. You blog is so funny! Keep it up!

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