Tuesday, November 9, 2010

It's All Fun & Games 'til Someone Says "Cancer"

I am one pathetic lump over here, you guys. And I say this not for sympathy, but more in protest against biology, gravity, and my fucking spine. You see, I'm practically in traction over here, typing up this post. And sure, while I'm not exactly sure what traction IS per SE, I'm pretty sure it's serious. Just as serious as this MOTHER of a stiff neck I'm nursing. And I know, I'm a whiny-ass little bitch for complaining about what really amounts to a minor inconvenience because children are dying and all that. But at least I do whiny-ass little bitch well, right? And this is DAY TWO of said neck issue, so I've already had some practice. Let's recap:

Sunday Night

1. Awoken at 4:30am to back, neck, head pain on the level of was-I-abducted-by-aliens-or-some-shit?! Because, HI, I was SLEEPING. How the hell do you fuck that up? So, naturally, I begin to curse to rectify the situation. This cursing goes on, silently, in between my muffled sobs and moaning. Husband's snoring pattern is not so much as even interrupted.

2. Resolving myself to this fate of martyrdom--for what, not sure, but these details can be worked out later--I'm just about to fall asleep when the fucking cat launches onto my stomach, kneading my chub with his paws like I'm Momma Fucking Kitty. I reflexively punch him in the face, and in the midst of the commotion, I feel another piece of my spine begin to mutiny. Mother. Fucking. Cat.

3. A few minutes later, after adjusting my pillows around various curves and crevices, I sigh deeply and try to THINK POSITIVELY, WIFE. Counting my blessings of children who only occasionally humiliate me, and hey-at-least-they-sleep-through-the-night!, T9 begins to wail. "MAHHH-MEEEEE! UUUHHPP?" It's 5:00am. You little sonofa... Cursing commences. This time, much more loudly.

4. After a firm interrogation (the nightlight in his face was good for effect) of the child for begin in cahoots with my spine and/or the cats, I return to bed and decide I'll go back to the muffled moaning technique. Clearly Armageddon is nigh and at least this manner of death is less terrifying than those smelly zombies. (I mean, they GOTTA smell, right?)

5. Laying now causes more pain than standing, or even than manually removing my own toenails, for example. So my moaning turns into anger and I silently start to threaten my skeletal and muscular system. I figure a bit of waterboarding a la HEATING PAD SET TO HIGH, MOTHERFUCKERS will do the trick. I hobble down to the linen closet. It's 5:20

6. Trying to plug the goddamn thing in was an issue I'd overlooked because clearly bending and stretching is not on the menu. So I start cursing. Again. Husband begins to stir. FINALLY, GODDAMNIT. He asks me what's wrong, and as I'm describing the apocalypse by way of children, cats, and spinal injury, he begins to snore.

7. I unplug something of his to get the heated torture device on my back and plop down onto my bed and directly onto a cat. The jolt stiffens my body further and I feel nothing but fury for any living creature on this godforsaken planet. Clearly the little fucker has taken me for dead and is all I GOT DIBS ON HER SIDE OF THE BED! I elbow the cat in the gut. He stares me down and puts his ass in my face before hissing and scooting away. It's 6:00am and I feel a sneeze coming on. Bracing for impact, I begin to weep for my lost innocence.

8. I'm delirious with sleep & the fatigue begins to overtake the pain. THE PAIN OF HEARTBREAK AND AGONY. Alarm goes off at 6:20.

As he lifts himself to a seated position next to me, smacking the alarm clock off, I try to eyeball him without turning my neck. It's not as effective as I hope and he thinks I'm being goofy and starts to laugh. I implode quietly, for fear I'll wake the cats. Or children. Or demons in my head. HOW DARE YOU LAUGH AT ME WHEN I'M BEING PATHETIC AND ABSURD. Ignoring my psychosis, he rubs his eyes and inquires about "What was going on last night anyway?" I blink silently hoping he'll translate my Morse code so I don't have to SAY IT, but perhaps he's distracted by the fact that I'm wrapped in pillows, heating pads, and cat hair. He shrugs and notices his unplugged humidifier. "Hey! What'd you unplug THIS for?!"

9. Cursing is reinstated.

So, the concern here is less the passive-agressiveness of my cats or my husband's envious ability to sleep through goddamn ANYTHING, and more that this is the second incident of Stiff Neck Disease in the past month. And since going to the doctor is probably the LAST thing I'll do, let's flesh out some possible causes of my condition:

1. The mattress. Sure, we could go buy a new one. Except that this one cost more than a small child and is only five years old. Strike that.

2. My pillow. Yes, it's a firm possibility that I am pillow-incompetent. But seems like it might be one of the few humiliating truths I'd hesitate to acknowledge publicly. Ahem. Moving on, then.


4. Undiscovered sleepwaking. I suppose it's plausible that I'm a nighttime weight lifter or something. Or, at least, a really bad one that is unable to actually build any muscle, but fully able to toss the weights around in a manner that is likely to cause injury and/or death. I'll tell my husband to toss all exercise equipment just to be safe.

5. Cancer.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's cancer. But until I get the results back from WebMD, I'll just be over here chomping on Advil like they're Smarties. Smarties that taste horrible.


Speaking of inapprorpriate jokes! Have you heard about Movember? It's the movement to raise awareness about men's health by growing a mustache. So go check out my friends growing facial hair for a good cause. You can check out their pictures, learn a few things, and donate some money. It's surprisingly enjoyable.

But, then again, I'm the one making cancer jokes as an intro to a cancer fundraiser. So, there's that.


  1. I really wish I could participate in Movember but facial hair and me do not get along. I end up looking like some patchy pre-teen whose parents are too lazy to buy him his first razor.


  2. surprise neck pain can quite often be bad pillows or lots of stress. my forearms used to go numb for no reason and it was apparently because of stress. since my neck and shoulder muscles would get so tight and restrict blood flow to my forearms.

    seriously. that's what my doctor told me. and then told me to relax. which is when i asked if he could write me a prescription for a vacation so i could get the insurance to cover it.

    i actually asked that. then we had a good laugh and he told me to take some advil. dick.

  3. Euthanasia. It's the only 100% cure for this. Sorry, kiddo, but I'm afraid we're going to have to put you down.

    (This post made me chuckle. Even out loud.)

  4. I wanna laugh and I wanna cry with you. I feel your pain having just recently suffered for almost 6 months with sciatica. Drugs...lots and lots of drugs is the cure, trust me.

  5. I know how you feel Kristine! Neck and back pain makes this gal turn mean. Last time I cured mine with a muscle relaxer pill... and a bit of red wine, despite warnings it'd make me ill. :o)

    Rhyme Me a Smile

  6. Back and neck pain, the easiest way to turn a 30 something into an 80 something. I'm like a proper old man when my back is playing up (which is most of the time). All you get from your other half as you slowly drag yourself around the house is "whats up with you?" or "will you stop moaning and take some more pain killers" every time you wince or maon with the pain. Strong backed people will never understand.

  7. haha! your cancer jokes are funny...

  8. this post made me laugh so much i almost woke the baby. one question - why haven't you written a BOOK yet??? i'd buy it. just saying.

  9. I get terrible back pain whenever I sleep for more than six hours at a stretch. This very rarely happens though. Could you be sleeping too much? Hahahahaha...

    I tried to grow a mustache, but I chickened out after wearing it around the house for half an hour. My wife didn't help by mocking me. But then after I posted a picture of me with the 'stache on my blog, she said I looked like a fireman, which was almost exactly like saying "we should have had extreme role-playing sex yesterday; too bad we can't now."

  10. I hear ya. My right boob hurts. I'm 90% certain its cancer too. Fuck...

  11. When you go on trial for murdering hubby, child(ren) and pets, the defence lawyer's gonna use this post as evidence.

    Seriously though, I think the sleeping through everything is something a lot of men do. Mine managed to sleep through a tornado a few weeks ago. Lately he's been keeping me awake with his snoring, so I end up on the couch and he *doesn't even notice till 5 hours later*. jerk. You're supposed to NOTICE when your better half gets up outta bed....

    Anyhoo, good luck with the neck thing. You could have just "slept wrong" (as my mom used to call it). That takes a couple of days sometimes to work out....


  12. Hey Take care. It was a hilarious post though, but I guess the neck thingy is painful. Just Get well soon. I get that piece from my mom too, you might have slept wrong.

  13. Loved! My husband will snore thru everything, particularly Web MD diagnosis. Just wait till I diagnose a kidney stone or prostate cancer in him. He will never sleep again. Isn't Mama the most horrid word to hear between 10 pm and 7am.
    -Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him

  14. I have a friend that thinks everything is cancer, too. Everything. Every freckle, pain, red spot, sore spot..I just don't get that stretch.

    I just don't know what to say to that, except, "huh???"

  15. So flippin' funny! To help you feel better, I gave you an award! "Most Versatile Blogger" - I think it fits! Come by and grab it on my blog! :)

  16. I really, reeeally hate random back-pain.
    Cancer-related pain is completely understandable when I get pumped with poisonous liquids and radiated like leftover turkey from thanksgiving.
    But when my back or neck start acting up just to be a complete bitch, I silently scream "what the hell IS this??! Whyyyyy?!"
    I hope you feel better soon :)

  17. If I weren't up at 2:11am feeling like "frowing up" from something I ate (the damn chicken?) I would totally be laughing my ass off. As it is, just thinking of it is making me queasy. Oh you poor thing. I'm pretty sure the cat knows something. They have a sense about these things. It was nice knowing you! ;P

  18. For the pain, I recommend booze. Your neck will still hurt but you can laugh about it. For the cats, there is no remedy.

  19. I've never laughed, albeit to myself, and ever so quietly, as I pictured you on a deathbed of sorts.

    Wait.... er..... you have my deepest sympathy, and stuff, for the agonizing pain that this treacherous, and newly discovered, form of cancer has heaped upon you.

    I'd consider offering the cat to the first Chinese restaurant you can find in the yellow pages for the transgressions laid upon you. And hey, it may make someone's poo poo platter all the better.

  20. This is hilarious...at least all the pain contributed to this blog. Is it twisted that I find this funny? I hope you feel better though,seriously...

  21. THANK YOU! Everytime I read, I smile...and am secretly grateful that I'm not the only out there like ME. :-)
    Happy Traks!

  22. I too would have throat punched the cat. This is why I don't have animals in the house, for fear of them being even bigger assholes than the kids.

  23. I too would have throat punched the cat. This is why I don't have animals in the house, for fear of them being even bigger assholes than the kids.

  24. This is hilarious...at least all the pain contributed to this blog. Is it twisted that I find this funny? I hope you feel better though,seriously...