Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I Promise Not to Start Saying Y'ALL

If you guys have been reading my blog for a while, you'll know that I've been looking forward to dreading my husband's next change of station. (Or whatever the hell they call it. Seriously, the military has their own dictionary worth of abbreviations and terms and they're all pretty lame and confusing. Because I'm five and I said so.)  Well, Monday afternoon it became official. As of this June, I will no longer be a resident of New York State.

(I have...sniff...something...sniff...in my...OH GOD I'M SOBBING)

And, why am I being such a Poop-in-the-Pants about it?  Well, funny you should ask, because I've made a list of reasons to mourn the life I once knew.

Ahem.

1. I suppose I'm not necessarily bummed about the LOCATION, exactly. I mean, Texas isn't all that....

Ah, fuck it. Guys, I'm BUMMED because it's TEXAS. I'm a New England gal born and raised. I like seasons. More specifically, I prefer to be cold. My husband has a theory about this, but no one ASKED HIM anyway.  So, yeah, the fact that I'll be sweating like a pig on a regular basis is a bit disconcerting. And, like, do they actually let kids outside to play when it's 90 degrees? Me and my boys have that Scots-Irish skin. (Read: PALE) We turn red as a communist after exerting about 30 seconds worth of energy. No, it's not sunburn, it's more like we're OVERHEATING because it's 75 fucking DEGREES.

Which, incidentally, is why I no longer belong to a public gym. (STOP LOOKING AT ME!)

Ahem.

2. The Cats

Guys, the last time I had to take those bastards to the vet, they vomited and shat themselves about eleventy billion times before I even got out of my housing development. My plan at the moment is to NOT travel with them in an effort to preserve my sanity and/or marriage. That leaves a plane? (Too pricey.) Parcel post? (Perhaps with some extra bubble wrap?) Or perhaps putting them in the trunk (What, like that's worse than MAILING them?)

Before you call PETA, know that I've resorted to such drastic measures because there appears to be little to no help for this cause. I asked the vet about drugging them and she looked at me like I was a young child that was prone to sociopathic tendencies and may likely grow up to be a serial killer.

Bitch.

3. Packing

Have you seen Hoarders? HA! JUST KIDDING! (Mostly.) While we're not exactly over capacity in our current home, there is an endless amount of clutter. MY technique for this issue is the garbage can. My HUSBAND, however, thinks this is "lazy" or "foolish." Unfortunately, this leaves me no other choice but to toss half of our shit and stage a break-in. He travels often enough. It can be arranged. I think I have a friend on the police force who can fudge the documents.

What? Illegal? Dishonest?

DRAMATIC SIGH.

4. Grandma, et al.

Oh, GUYS. To be YOUNG and FREE and all, sure let's move to motherfucking Texas because I don't have any plans this weekend ANYWAY!  But now, you know, there's a couple of kids running the joint. And they're all I MISS GRANDMA every time I give them the wonky eye for pelting toy trucks at one another's heads. So now grandma will be A MILLION MILES AWAY, little boys! Which means you'll have to just...wait. MY MOTHER! MY FRIENDS! MY BABYSITTERS!

AHGAHD IT KEEPS GETTING WOOOOORRRSE.

(Upon reflection of this new development, it appears I'll probably ALTERNATE between sobbing with them and rolling my eyes, because HI GUYS, MOMMA'S OUT A BABYSITTER OVER HERE. But mostly I'll just be sobbing.)

So, there you have it. I've been working through this since Monday when I found out. Before making this list, I'd first decided to turn to some friends and family for moral support.  But I've never been one for GOOD IDEAS. I mean, while I imagined some would be all, "Um? Whine much? Try moving to AFGHANISTAN?!" I was not prepared for some of the reactions I did, in fact, get.

Husband: [Coming home from work to find me in tears and baking enough cookies to feed a small imperialized nation.] What's wrong?

Me: [Dagger eyes.] What's WRONG with ME?! Don't you mean, what's wrong with the WOOOORRRLLLLD...!? [SOB]

Husband: Oh, what? You mean Texas? Yeah, it's gonna suck. [Opens refridgerator and gulps some milk.] What's for dinner?

And then there was Twitter:





Ah, guys? NOT HELPING.


And then YESTERDAY, in therapy I got the motherload of all unfortunate PEP TALKS. It began when, after sobbing my face off about moving and leaving my comfort zone and generally patting myself on the back for allowing myself those emotions, my therapist starts asking what I know about the state.

Me: Well, there's not too much where we'll be heading. Lots of suburbia. Chain restaurants. Heat.

Her: And serial killers!

Me: What... the ...? Why... would you...?

Her: No! It's just a joke! Remember when there were like three that came out of Texas around the same time?

Me: ...

Right, so I'm in this alone. GOT IT.  THANKS.  So, what, I suppose the next step is to...uhm, embrace it? Is that what mature people do when it's time to stop kicking and screaming?  Ehh.  Maybe I'll begin with baby steps. Like practicing how to NOT offend the locals.



44 comments:

  1. As long as you're still posting to your blog! Make sure to regale us with countless tails...ahem, I mean tales...of armadillos, and we'll be happy.

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  2. I'll trade ya - in June we are moving to motherf***ing GUAM!

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  3. I totally understand your anxiety & sadness over leaving your family, including your mother. Though it probably doesn't make you feel any better, I live in Texas! I am in the Houston area. If you are coming down this way, I would totally meet up with you & try to make your transition somewhat better! Surely you won't be down here for more than a year or two??

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  4. Wasn't George W. Bush Governor of Texas before becoming President? This does not bode well...

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  5. Deidra: You're thinking of YOURSELF at a time like this?! How crazy, because that's exactly what I DO!

    kmcaffee: I *knew* I'd get a comment from another wife that would trump mine. I annoy myself sometimes. (It's my first move. I hope I whine less in the future. For everyone's sake.)

    Kelley: We'll be heading to the Fort Worth region. Thanks for your offer though...are there more like you there?!

    SS: DUDE.

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  6. aw well hope the move goes well

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  7. I live in McKinney, which isnt far AT ALL from the Fort Worth area. I am originally from NH and have lived in TX for 4 years... It isnt all that bad, once you get used to be calling a yankee and people notice you arent from here bc of your accent. You will be amazed though by the number of transplants who live here. :) I say northeasterners unite and we form an alliance here in Texas:)

    It would be great to meet up for coffee once you get settled.. and Welcome to Texas!

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  8. Well, first let me say that I love your blog. I was glad to find a blog of note that didn't focus on anime. You make me laugh. And yes, even you will want to go outside when it's 90. 90 is nothin'. They send the kids out for recess when it's 105. They only keep them inside if it gets under 30. It really will be a complete reversal of your life. You don't want to know what we do with people who mess with Texas. Seriously, we all do have guns in our trucks, and we are known to pack at church, the fair, and particularly PTA meetings. And, you will say y'all. You'll say "fixin' to" as well. Mark my words.

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  9. Well, there is nothing for it but to grieve for a while. I have read that moving is one of the biggest stressors in life - right up there with divorce. Before you go, look online for all the places you could take your kids. Maybe there are indoor play places, indoor swimming pools, a rec center with fun programs.

    Up here it wasn't the heat, it was the cold when my grandchildren were little. What to do with them when it is freezing cold for weeks on end. There wasn't much - we used to take them to the play room at McDonald's.

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  10. Oh no, girl, whine away! Or I can whine for you - didn't mean to trump you, ok, yes I did, but it could be sooo much worse for both of us, right? And TX does suck a$$ for us Northerners, so I do understand your pain for real!

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  11. Well, on the bright side, maybe the therapists on Texas won't try to scare the living crap outta you.

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  12. Don't you dare go all "y'all" on us, there's enough of that out here in blogland (not that there's anything wrong with that (yes I'm afraid of all that is Texas)) But also, have you noticed how bloggers from Texas probably outnumber any other state? Why is that?

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  13. My daughter really wants one of your cats. She doesn't yet know about the trade I offered you. I'm curious to know where y'all are stationed in NY. Maybe we really *will* take your pussies.

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  14. funny post...well good luck moving..
    not to increase your anxiousness..but did you know Texas has the most number of death sentences given to prisoners...oh well so you should better save your butt while you are there...
    =]
    take care..
    and oh well...what the heck..Good Luck..you need it..
    BH

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  15. Are you practicing your Texan twang? Bought your shitkickers yet? Shopped for the perfect bumper sticker that says, "You can have my gun when you pry it out of my cold, dead fingers?"

    Am I not helping?

    It'll be ok. I hear parts of Texas are actually quite nice. When you're asleep. (Just kidding, Texas.)

    I agree with Deidra at the top -- look at this as an opportunity post some REALLY good "Stranger in a Strange Land" stories.

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  16. I don't mean to be one of those jerks who tries to point out a silver lining, BUT...I'm totally one of those jerks who tries to point out a silver lining!

    Just think: Texas will totally be fodder for blogging! Frankly, I can't wait to read your posts! The book deal could be around the corner...just sayin.

    Consumed: My Culinary Adventure

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  17. You may not say Y'all , but I'll bet you do a few YEE HAW'S after a couple of Texas BBQ's!!! Good luck. ;-)

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  18. We are stationed in TX and we love it here. Where did you get in TX? We are at Ft Sam Houston in San Antonio.

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  19. I don't have anything to offer about the change of locale, as I only drove through Texas briefly like, ten years ago, but as an ex-veterinary staffer, I DO have something to offer about the cats:

    Any time you have to take them ANYWHERE call up your vet beforehand and ask them to give you a sedative. They should dispense some acepromazine for you no problem (just need the cats' weight).

    Of course, actually pilling a cat is a horse of different colour...

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  20. Texas is a wonderful place to live. Don't buy into stereotypes. The people are pleasant, the economy is great, and you should be thankful to live somewhere that isn't suffering from bedbug infestation. There is so much to do in Texas and the winters are so damn WARM. I miss living there every day.

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  21. Awww...I'm sorry you have to move. Transplanted Yankee here, I moved here from Michigan in 1979. Geez, I'm old.

    So, the people here are really friendly...more friendly than where I come from, for sure. Dallas gets colder weather in the winter than Houston does (where I am), and it actually snows there kind of often. But yes, it's hotter than hell in the summertime.

    Hope your move goes well, when are you moving? I'm coming to the Dallas area for a concert in March.

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  22. new yorkers shouldn't live anywhere but new york. i moved to florida for the fun of it four years ago and am currently trying to get a house on the market and sold so i can get the fuck back to new york.

    sorry to hear it. but look at the upside, new york will be EVEN MORE AWESOME when you finally move back. because you will. we all end up going back.

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  23. One word: Lexapro. I've moved with the hubby 5 times in 9 years to 4 different states. None were Texas, but I'm in Indiana now after living the good life in NJ, NC, Boston, and MA 'burbs.

    Actually, in every place? I've meet excellent women who like me even though I sweat a lot when I feel awkward and often make offensive jokes about local customs. It does suck to leave friends and family, no doubt. But I make new ones (or buy them with free Starbucks, "Thanks for meeting us at the park! I bought lattes!"). You'll make it and we'll all be here routing for you. Just don't make a fool out of yourself the next time someone is backing out of her parking spot. The car's not on a driverless excursion.

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  24. I hear you on the Hoarders thing. And we have the same disposal issues, except my husband is never gone long enough for me to spirit half of our shit out of the house. He's been known to pull stuff I've thrown away out of the trash. Not to mention other peoples' trash he brings home. I can't imagine moving...but I can imagine happily getting rid of 1/3 of our (his) stuff.

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  25. I hear your pain sista! Was a military wife for 15 years, and an air force brat before that. For me, the posting meant gaging how much I would like the new place based on whether or not my mother would have enough closet space in the new house.
    Good luck in Texas. And if it makes you feel any better, heat is good. Great tan all year round, right? Right!...ok, well, I tried...

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  26. If you thought you had hair trouble the other night just think how bad it will be with the Texan heat! Frizzz nightmare!

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  27. Welcome to Texas! We have chainsaw massacres, but we also have Chic-fil-a and Whataburger, so it kinda evens out.

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  28. 1. Buy Longchamp totes (they're waterproof) and take the felines as carry-on in the plane.
    2. Start taking vitamin D suppliments to boost your melatonin production. It will probably also make you happier and your blogs boringer.
    3. Stop whining - they shoot you for being a pussy in Tex-ass (actually, don't take the cats)

    And 90 is nothing. My husband moved me to Dubai.

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  29. I feel your pain since I have lived out that way before, but I must say I am looking forward to the hilarious posts you will have as you encounter Texas in all it's glory. (quietly clapping with anticipation)

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  30. It could be worse - you could be moving with dogs:

    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/11/dogs-dont-understand-basic-concepts.html

    (I read this last night after my Husband went to bed, and he had to come downstairs and see why I was laughing so hard.)

    Kris

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  31. Girl, where in NY are you from? Sounds like we're living the same life, except that we're not in Texas, we're in North Carolina and I've already started saying "Y'all" - it happens.

    I was born in Vermont and raised in NY. Seriously, right on the boarder. The South is a totally different place. Haha. But you'll get used to it, and I really like the warmer weather.

    Good luck with the cats and the move!

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  32. Could be worse. You could be moving to Utah. Of course, then we could totally party, "Big Love" style.

    Wait, that sounded creepier than I wanted it to.

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  33. I feel your pain. A few years ago I made the big move to Texas from New York too. A couple of things I learned:

    1. The people in TX are really nice! And they all like to hug you immediately upon introductions. Non-affectionate New Yorkers need to prepare themselves for this.

    2. No matter how much I fought against it, I was saying "y'all" within months of living there.

    3. Texans can spot a Yankee a mile away.

    4. I did not miss snow. Actually, it snowed where we lived in TX. So I had no opportunity to miss it.


    I lived in West Texas (near El Paso), and although living out in the middle of the dessert pretty much sucked, now that I am back in NY, I find myself missing TX every now and again. Weird.

    Good luck with your move! And don't worry, it won't be as bad as everyone makes it out to be!

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  34. This is very well written. Seriously, I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats. TX won't be too bad. Considering your hubby is getting deployed to TX, and not the Middle East, things could be worse. Speaking of things being worse, he could have been deployed to Mississippi. Yes, the food selection will be a DRASTIC change, as will shoe shopping. Thank Gawd that the web will ship you anything you want from NYC for a nominal fee. Perhaps you'll have Granny shipped down in a dry ice carton for a weekend of babysitting.

    Keep it up, you've got a great thing here.

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  35. Texas isn't really as bad as it sounds, I promise. We got orders (that's the military term, I think haha) to Abilene, Texas, when I was younger. We lived in North Carolina. We were all devastated, but when we had to leave Texas three years later, we were bawling the same amount about having to leave.
    TV and movies don't really portray it accurately. There are seasons, not as extreme as in New England, but they're there. It snowed a few times, even. Kids do go out and play in the heat, usually involving sprinklers, water balloons, and popsicles. The people don't all wear cowboy hats and pretend to be tough all the time. They're actually pretty friendly on the whole, especially military families.
    Moving really sucks, but you're more resilient than you think. You'll be a Texas girl before you know it!

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  36. If I was you, I'd be sobbing too. It's hard enough leaving friends and family and home, regardless of where you're moving to. I'm also in New England, and gay, so Texas is pretty high on my list of "places I'd sob uncontrollably if I had to move to." Here's hoping you make some good friends there to make the transition easier.

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  37. I'm a Texan but I sympathize with you! My husband begins training in Virginia in February (Federal Law Enforcement) and in July we (me, husband, and our 1 year old son) will have to move. We have no idea where and I dread the possibility of moving to the North East. I have no doubt that anywhere we could move I would find wonderful people but for a girl who was born and raised in Texas it seems vastly different to me and the weather would be such an adjustment! Husband's family moved a few times growing up (his dad was a Deputy US Marshal) so my MIL has told me I have to view it as an adventure. She also said she gained 10 pounds every time they moved!!!
    Fort Worth is actually a great part of Texas in my opinion. Next to Austin it has more culture than most parts of TX. I know that sounds crazy but its a good sized city that isn't totally overly commercialized. Yes you will have endless choices of chain restaurants and stores but Fort Worth has a lot of local flavor to offer as well. Don't miss the Main Street Arts Festival!
    Despite having been raised in Dallas I am often told I don't have a TX accent but I sure DO say y'all and fixin' to. I'm married to the proverbial Texas boy...Dodge pick up, cowboy boots (he had a custom pair of boots made for our wedding to wear with his tux), cowboy hat when he's working on his Dad's land, belt buckle from time to time! I'm not big into guns so I insist all firearms be in a safe (he thinks I'm over the top). Not all Texans are gun owners. Growing up there was never a gun in our home. He plays and sings country music for fun. However if you met him (the guy sounds like you might dread having as a neighbor) you would actually adore him. I hope you are able to enjoy this adventure! Thanks to your husband (and you) for sacrificing to serve our country! My husband was in the AF before we met.

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  38. I'm a Texan but I sympathize with you! My husband begins training in Virginia in February (Federal Law Enforcement) and in July we (me, husband, and our 1 year old son) will have to move. We have no idea where and I dread the possibility of moving to the North East. I have no doubt that anywhere we could move I would find wonderful people but for a girl who was born and raised in Texas it seems vastly different to me and the weather would be such an adjustment! Husband's family moved a few times growing up (his dad was a Deputy US Marshal) so my MIL has told me I have to view it as an adventure. She also said she gained 10 pounds every time they moved!!!
    Fort Worth is actually a great part of Texas in my opinion. Next to Austin it has more culture than most parts of TX. I know that sounds crazy but its a good sized city that isn't totally overly commercialized. Yes you will have endless choices of chain restaurants and stores but Fort Worth has a lot of local flavor to offer as well. Don't miss the Main Street Arts Festival!
    Despite having been raised in Dallas I am often told I don't have a TX accent but I sure DO say y'all and fixin' to. I'm married to the proverbial Texas boy...Dodge pick up, cowboy boots (he had a custom pair of boots made for our wedding to wear with his tux), cowboy hat when he's working on his Dad's land, belt buckle from time to time! I'm not big into guns so I insist all firearms be in a safe (he thinks I'm over the top). Not all Texans are gun owners. Growing up there was never a gun in our home. He plays and sings country music for fun. However if you met him (the guy sounds like you might dread having as a neighbor) you would actually adore him. I hope you are able to enjoy this adventure! Thanks to your husband (and you) for sacrificing to serve our country! My husband was in the AF before we met.

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  39. If I was you, I'd be sobbing too. It's hard enough leaving friends and family and home, regardless of where you're moving to. I'm also in New England, and gay, so Texas is pretty high on my list of "places I'd sob uncontrollably if I had to move to." Here's hoping you make some good friends there to make the transition easier.

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  40. Texas isn't really as bad as it sounds, I promise. We got orders (that's the military term, I think haha) to Abilene, Texas, when I was younger. We lived in North Carolina. We were all devastated, but when we had to leave Texas three years later, we were bawling the same amount about having to leave.
    TV and movies don't really portray it accurately. There are seasons, not as extreme as in New England, but they're there. It snowed a few times, even. Kids do go out and play in the heat, usually involving sprinklers, water balloons, and popsicles. The people don't all wear cowboy hats and pretend to be tough all the time. They're actually pretty friendly on the whole, especially military families.
    Moving really sucks, but you're more resilient than you think. You'll be a Texas girl before you know it!

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  41. Welcome to Texas! We have chainsaw massacres, but we also have Chic-fil-a and Whataburger, so it kinda evens out.

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  42. I hear your pain sista! Was a military wife for 15 years, and an air force brat before that. For me, the posting meant gaging how much I would like the new place based on whether or not my mother would have enough closet space in the new house.
    Good luck in Texas. And if it makes you feel any better, heat is good. Great tan all year round, right? Right!...ok, well, I tried...

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  43. Texas is a wonderful place to live. Don't buy into stereotypes. The people are pleasant, the economy is great, and you should be thankful to live somewhere that isn't suffering from bedbug infestation. There is so much to do in Texas and the winters are so damn WARM. I miss living there every day.

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  44. Awww...I'm sorry you have to move. Transplanted Yankee here, I moved here from Michigan in 1979. Geez, I'm old.

    So, the people here are really friendly...more friendly than where I come from, for sure. Dallas gets colder weather in the winter than Houston does (where I am), and it actually snows there kind of often. But yes, it's hotter than hell in the summertime.

    Hope your move goes well, when are you moving? I'm coming to the Dallas area for a concert in March.

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