Friday, November 5, 2010

And? My Flu Shot Has a Microchip.

It's not that I'm pessimistic, exactly. I wouldn't even say that I'm conspiracy-prone. It's just that my mind is...well, anxious.  And before you get all THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, I bring it up only because it seemed to come as a surprise to my husband.  So maybe there's even MORE you need to know.

Ahem.

For example we were recently driving to pick up the kid from school when we drove past a pair of sneakers that had been abandoned on the side of the road.  Casually, I said something about how seeing shoes on the side of the road really creeps me out.

Him: What do you mean? Like, you think of something sinister?

Me: Well, YEAH. Like, where is that barefooted person? How did they make it home? DID THEY MAKE IT HOME?!

Him: So that's how your mind works, huh?

Me: It's like you don't even KNOW me sometimes.

Him: Wife.

Then, the other day, before he left for his latest work trip, he mentioned that his destination was Florida for the upcoming shuttle launch.

Me: Really?  I didn't realize you guys went down there for that.

Him: Yup.

Me: Well, why?

Him: I dunno.  I guess...just in case?

Me: You mean, in case...they blow up?

Him: Lady, nothing's going to BLOW UP.

Me: Well, it COULD. Hello? The CHALLENGER?! Millions of children scarred FOREVER?

Him: Wife.

And also, take for example this day care building down the road from our house. Now, you'll need a little back story to get the scope of my paranoia firm grasp of reality.  This building, called Kid Zone according to the banner that's attached to the vinyl siding, appears to be on of those day care centers where the home is also the place of business. It's white with blue shutters, if you must know. Split level.  Circular drive for ease in pick-up/drop-off.  Fenced in play yard with a variety of toys for exercise and stimulation.  Additionally, an abandoned-looking, rusty, no-wheeled car sits in the side yard.  Oh, and there's that one window that appears to be open.  Perpetually.  And really, in fact, I'm fairly certain the building is, in fact, abandoned.



Well, Kristine, you frickin' GENIUS, it's clearly an enterprise-gone-bad. Shut down! Closed for business! Not taking new patients!

BUT, friends.  BUT.  This abandoned, ghost-town of a house, complete with the suspicious looking vehicle, and spooky-ass windows?  This building has a marquee sign at the roadside that is updated--wait for it--REGULARLY.

Observe:

This summer: Summer Camp Program Starting Soon! Apply Now!

Late summer: Early Admissions for Fall! Enroll Now! Limited Availability

September: After-School Program Now Available For No Additional Fee!

Last Week: New Availabilities! Call For Information!

And, mind you, I drive by it often and never have I seen a single person, car, or errant squirrel on this property. Nor have a seen a light on in the window, a toy moved from its place in the yard, or set of eyes peering from the basement blinking out frantic SOS signals.

Naturally, I believe this store exists for one of the following reasons:

1. It has a dungeon full of hostages and/or zombies.

2. Pulp. Fiction.

3. It is a front for a highly organized drug manufacturing and trafficking system a la Breaking Bad.

4. It's like the house from Hansel & Gretel and inside all you'll find are human bones and candy. And a witch.  And an oven.

5. Two Words: JEEPERS CREEPERS

6. Unicorns?

7. My cats might somehow be involved.

I've even gone so far as to google this place to see if there are others LIKE ME who have noticed something's fishy here.  And would you be surprised to hear that google claims there IS NO SUCH PLACE?  Well of course you wouldn't be. Because I have just CONVERTED you. Welcome! 

(Now who wants to contact Ghost Hunters?  And you? You can call in the local FBI while I see if Justin Long has any information.  Aaaand, BREAK.) 

32 comments:

  1. Honestly, I understand you, a perfect stranger, completely. Completely. My mind would wander and consider all of the same possibilities/scenarios.

    So don't feel you're crazy, unless you're willing to condemn us both to that fate, and stuff. ;)

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  2. Knock on the door and ask, says the girl who was too chicken to take picture of the girl dressed as a rag doll raver lolita, AFTER halloween in a country that does not celebrate it, because she was smoking and might get upset by an unsolicited photo and put out her cig on me.

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  3. I think it's not a daycare or haunted house or toucher's den at all. I think it's actually a portal to another dimension.

    I have seen this done before, so i'm an expert. You need to tie a rope to a tree and the other end around your waste. Then walk into the building with nothing but a flashlight, a steel pipe and a couple bananas - you never know, they could be considered CASH on the other side.

    Report back!

    SD
    simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com

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  4. Ugh.. i know it's spelled WAIST.. my bad! It's early in the morning people, and I am all excited for the portal thing so spelling and grammar be damned.

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  5. Clearly, the building is housing drug-making zombies being employed by your cats.

    You need to call someone right away.

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  6. i'm thinking aliens like in the movie Race to Witch Mountain were they enter into and abamdon building and open the fridge and the nect thing you know they are in some type of alien under ground building. just saying..

    http://becca-mycrazystuff.blogspot.com/

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  7. seriously? it's creepy that you can't find any information on it. like, a legitimate day care center needs to be registered and certified and shit... doesn't it? it does where i live.

    i mean, legally you have to be registered to sell shit at like CRAFT FAIRS because you have to report the income to the state and local tax authorities. for reals.

    ALSO. i too am an almost complete stranger and i totally understand you.

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  8. There so nice there! They even let the daycare kids sew black market Gap knock offs!

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  10. Wow. That's one lazy serial killer. Most psychos go out & earn their keep. He just changes the signs to lure 'em in... Come to think of it, GENIUS!!!

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  11. There is this clock and watch repair shop in my area that is almost never open, is usually closed for extended "vacations", and there is this old asian woman who sometimes retreats into its interior shadows when she sees me. She doesn't turn around. She doesn't wave. She only moves her eyes to look at me and then recedes. Freaks. Me. Out. Needless to say, my broken watch remains broken.

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  12. It's actually the bunker you should go to if the aliens take over your house.

    Indeed, the "aliens" could be your cats...

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  13. Bahhahahahahahaha! Hilarious girl...that is all I have to say besides a big 'thank you'!

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  14. They're totally using children to make meth downstairs in that house. Husbands just don't GET a woman's intuition. The other night I woke up to shuffling noises and totally knew we had a burglar or a very clumsy and/or drunk ghost so, naturally, had the husband go check it out. Turns out it was our dog. But the point is I SENSED movement in the house and he should just trust me from now on. He would have been pissed if he woke up to the drunk ghost in our bedroom peeing in the corner and I hadn't tried to warn him.

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  15. It could be a daycare for the drug lord's children. Drug Lords have good benefits. Well, not dental. But I'm pretty sure they do childcare.

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  16. I think it's even more disturbing when there's just ONE shoe in the road. How do you just lose one shoe?

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  17. Wait don't call Justin Long-you know who you should really call? That big douchey guy from Ghost Adventures-you know the one with muscles so big he can't put his arms down-and he has that little crest of hair sticking up in the front...Zak or something. He'd go in there and get all indignant at the idea of the ghosts (who are obviously living in that building) preying on the fears of women and small children and start screaming "Hey you want to scare someone SCARE ME YOU COWARD" And I'm pretty sure he could take down zombies and witches as well.

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  18. So let's say I am a ghost hunter.

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  19. What about a pair of sneakers with laces tied together, tossed over a telephone wire? That's a symbol for some gangsta azz shee-ight, right? Totally creeped out every time I see that. I bet that place you're speaking of is the location for that Craigslist ad that I see monthly for the babysitter who lists "lookin' to make some extra cash" as her qualification. I'm currently on the waiting list so...

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  20. So someone else is as paranoid as I am? Good to know I'm not the only one. I am really new to your blog, and I really like your writing style. I'll check back for more of this sort of stuff. Thanks. I hope you're not paranoid that I just sounded really weird.

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  21. You should point it out to your kids, tell them it's haunted or some other scary story about it and then say it is where you shall be sending them when they miss-behave. It may work for at least a while.

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  23. ahhh nothing like the child daycare business front for local entrapreneurs, aka drug runners. what i wanna know is what you're doing driving around in an area like that! its dangerous! and if you get shot for snooping around, who's blog am i going to read? i only have three subscriptions! why you ask? because i suck at surfing the web! and also because all i can find are family blogs with suburban moms and love lorn emo cats who are prolly anorxic, blogging about how much they ate. i hope you dont have any anorexic readers, because they get mean when you make fun (its the low blood suger). anyways, i know youre a momma doing your momma blog thing too, but you remind me of myself... if was a girl, better educated, funnier, more creative, married with children, and/or better at writing. i dont know why you remind me of myself. but I LIKE IT. stay away from that place ya hear!

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  24. OMG, so you don't have to go to a foreign country to visit a sweatshop!!

    X-D
    Scratch

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  25. Trust your instincts! It's all we have left! And I agree, I'm thinking a beautiful cornucopia of drug trafficking, bones, and hostages.

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  26. There was a piano store for about 30-40 years in the same spot where I used to live. No one ever went in. No one ever came out. Signs were also changed regularly, but never a vehicle was seen, customer on premises or dumpster for removing regular office waste.

    That said, it is rumored that it was a mafia front. It also had easy access to the river behind it (body dumping, anyone?) and a forest preserve just down the road.

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  27. There's also a slight possibility that velociraptors may be waiting behind the house/daycare center for some sucker to come to the door with their small defenseless children so they can attack. Which is why you should always drag around 200 pounds worth of firearms with you wherever you go. Just sayin'...

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  28. I'm also new on the bandwagon here, but want you to know I'm going through your archives little by little until I catch up. THAT's how impressed I am with you! Keep up the great work!!

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  29. There was a piano store for about 30-40 years in the same spot where I used to live. No one ever went in. No one ever came out. Signs were also changed regularly, but never a vehicle was seen, customer on premises or dumpster for removing regular office waste.

    That said, it is rumored that it was a mafia front. It also had easy access to the river behind it (body dumping, anyone?) and a forest preserve just down the road.

    ReplyDelete
  30. OMG, so you don't have to go to a foreign country to visit a sweatshop!!

    X-D
    Scratch

    ReplyDelete
  31. Wait don't call Justin Long-you know who you should really call? That big douchey guy from Ghost Adventures-you know the one with muscles so big he can't put his arms down-and he has that little crest of hair sticking up in the front...Zak or something. He'd go in there and get all indignant at the idea of the ghosts (who are obviously living in that building) preying on the fears of women and small children and start screaming "Hey you want to scare someone SCARE ME YOU COWARD" And I'm pretty sure he could take down zombies and witches as well.

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  32. I think it's even more disturbing when there's just ONE shoe in the road. How do you just lose one shoe?

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