Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Why Pirates Have Dark Hair

I recently attended a going-away party for my cousin who's taking a job in Chicago. Where they gave him a furnished apartment. And a BMW. And a starring role in John Grisham's The Firm.

Anyway, this kid and I got along really well when I was younger. We were always the ones hiding in the den at the family get-togethers, plotting our overturn of whoever was monitoring the dessert tray.  Then on our annual summer vacations to Nag's Head, we were the two relatives that viewed such an occasion for bleaching our hair in the bathroom and blaring that awsome! new! band! Local H! The beach was so...bourgeois. (Or, you know, I thought I was fat and couldn't bear to put on a bathing suit.)

And actually, that year, the year we'd used some kind of purple concoction to turn our hair from brown to orange to some shade of yellow-ish-white-gonna-fall-out-if-you-brush-it, we all went jet-skiing in the Atlantic. I was probably about 16 or so, and he was maybe 14? Or maybe 17 and 15? Whatever. The point is that we loaded ourselves on the jet-ski sans parents and took off into the ocean.  Because I was trustworthy or something?

Right. Clearly my parents are not so great with assessing maturity levels, and I'll be sure to prevent my boys from doing anything even remotely as fun, EVER.  You know why? Because that day, I embraced my freedom like any insane teenager would--with reckless, bleached-headed abandon.  I was going too fast maybe, or turned too sharp maybe, and we were both tossed into the water, giggling so hard and chanting AHHHHSSUUUMMM! so loud, that we choked half to death on the salt water. Which, naturally, made it even AHHHHSSUUUMMM-er.

I learned later that our respective parents could tell that we'd wiped out and were starting to frantically turn to the dude we'd rented the skis from (yeah, like HE'S gonna be helpful, MOM).  Then, at the last moment, before the guy could say "UHHHH," someone shouted that they saw our little white heads bobbing in the water. They're fine!

Sure, we may have been bobbing there UNCONSCIOUS, but whatever.


I vaguely remember this part of the event. Bouying there in the ocean by a life-vest, and trying to stop laughing long enough to climb back up onto the damn machine.  And THEN, once I got my (awesome, perfect) teenaged ass up there, having to pull my cousin back on as well. I suppose there were some other skiers around us at that time, so it's not like we were in danger of getting executed by pirates or something.  Though, with our folks watching us from ashore, if we HAD been, they'd probably be all, DON'T WORRY! I SEE THEM! THEY'RE PLAYING WATER GUNS WITH NEW DARK-HAIRED FRIENDS!

And I realize this pirate-death joke is wholly insensitive, and--more importantly--about a month beyond being current, but I just didn't have any tsunami or earthquake-related stories to prolong my relevance.

*****

And, now, I'm not really even sure why I told you that story, other than maybe to be that annoying girl at a party who always draws the conversation back to herself.  

What's that? You were attacked by pirates?! I just had a DREAM about pirates?!  What's that? You barely survived a tsunami caused by destructive forces of cruel, indiscriminate nature? I've always wanted to TRY THAT!  WHAT'S THAT?! YOU HAVE TESTICULAR CANCER?! OHMYGOD, MEEE TOOOOO!

Because really, I signed on because I had a few housekeeping notes to share:

1. I've recently become a contributor at Buy Her, so look for my reviews over there. Want to send me free stuff to review? Email me! (Hey, it seems to work for OTHER people, right? I'm just hoping there's a market for immature, grammatically psychotic, adult-ish motherly types. I hear they're called MOMMYBLOGGERS.)

2. Have you guys been getting my replies to your comments? I've been emailing some of you on occasion (the cools ones, that is. JUST KIDDING! You're all cool. In varying degrees. SEE?! I DID IT AGAIN!), but I'm not sure if I'm replying to an unattended mailbox or something. More than likely the case here.

3. I forget the third thing because I was too busy telling that long dumb story.  I'll get back to you.

(Also, I KNOW the title makes no sense, but it was the lovechild of a brilliant joke that my writing and talent is unable to capture, so couldn't bring myself to change it. As punishment.  Let the whippings commence.)

27 comments:

  1. Well. You were very lucky, young lady. That's all I'll say. Pirates love to kidnap teenagers with bleached hair. Preferably orange-ish.

    If you have any other pirate questions, I'm here.

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  2. I'm certain that some day in the future you're going to share exactly why pirates have dark hair. Picture was pretty appropriate as well, it gives a sense of being there, and stuff. As usual, an amusing post. ;)

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  3. Ah, but think of the the life you could've had sailing the high seas.

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  4. Has there been another tsunami? Or earthquake? Oh, dear...I need to stop reading blogs and stick a toe back into current events.

    In the event that I don't, good luck with BuyHer, but not such good luck that you quit blogging...because if I'm going to be ill-informed, I need something to read, dammit. (But enough about me)

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  5. I think it must be a teenager's right of passage to do stupid things like totally RAPE their hair.
    Good luck with Buy Her.
    http://www.ashafullife.blogspot.com

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  6. Totally agree. No fun for teenagers. Ever.

    And, also, we obviously need a photo of your teenage troll hair.

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  7. I love this, it reminds me of the time my sister and I went tubing when we were . Not only had she accidentally colored her hair a "Geriatric Gray," she was also wearing a pair of long thermal baggy underwear (she said she was "alternative" I said she was self-conscious).
    Anyway, we get on the tube and my Uncle (aka. boat driver) starts going so fast that the friction causes her pants to fall off. So she lets go of the tube, and all you see is this head of gray hair bobbing up and down in the middle of the lake.

    (Er, sorry. I just realized you probably had to be there...:))

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  8. i dont have any good personal stories about jet skiing or pirates to share so i will settle instead with stating that if you WERE snatched up by pirates and held ransom for an astronomical sum of money, the U.S. military would have capped all of them sea dogs in their heads simiultaniously via Navy Seals. JUST like they did when those Somalian pirates took the Maresk! As a guy addicted to Call of Duty, i'm not sure if that would be a traumatizing experiance or something FUCKING awesome to witness. i'm sure your parents would appreciate that and prolly thank the guy who rented yall the jetskis even though it seems to me highly irresponsible to rent jetski's in pirate infested waters. wtf. i've got a vivid imagination.

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  9. well stupidity and teenage years always go hand in hand. how any of us survived to be adults is beyond reason and yet we did so there is hope our children will to..lol

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  10. What IS it about that weird jet of water that goes straight into the air screaming, "Who needs a big powerful motorboat to represent your throbbing manhood when you can shoot a stream of urine ten feet in the air?" Water sports usually involve me standing on the deck and screaming, "Sorry about your penis!"

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  11. Haha! I, too, remember the days of dousing our hair with a mix of peroxide & lemon juice, and doing all sorts of skin cancer causing sun bathing, and nearly having to be rescued by the coast guard, and...oh wait, this post was about YOU?

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  12. Since I never did anything as mundane as drying to dye my hair weird colors in my teen years (I was too busy keeping my throat from being cut by meniacial cousins, whom I lived with). I will tell you my sister and her daughter got the odd idea you can dye your hair with kool-aid. Of course, my niece was dirty-blonde to start with, so instead of being red her hair came out a briiiiight shade of pink. Amusing.

    Me, I don't bother with hair coloring. I tell folks "these aren't gray hairs; they're blonde hair in disguise!" ;)

    Scratch

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  13. See, your parents and my parents should have gotten together on the crazy train. They sent my then 13 year old brother to a Cyprus Hill concert. In Indianapolis. With two older kids, one of whom was our neighbor but has since been arrested several times for dealing and almost killed by a drug lord. 5 Star parenting there. Good times and fond memories I'm tellin' ya.

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  14. Ah, Nag's Head. I used to go there when I was in college. My girlfriend and I rented a windsurfboard-thing and did a great job of sailing it about a mile down the sound with the wind at our backs. Then we had to try and drag it back against a headwind. For an hour. The rental dude had to come rescue us and tow us back behind his jet ski. See how I just did the thing where I made your story all about me? Recognize.

    Your ass is spectacular by the way.

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  15. I also wanted to drop by to say that I bestowed a marvelous award on you. Stop by my blog if you want to check it out in the post Fair Is Fair.
    http://www.ashafullife.blogspot.com

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  16. Nowadays, you guys could have filmed that wipe out and put in on youtube and been famous.

    Like the Jackass guys.

    In your case, Jackteenageass.

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  17. Oh goodness. When I first clicked this post, I apparently was not reading carefully. I read the title as Why PRIVATES have dark hair. Why did that make me want to read the post.. Im not really sure? I have to admit I was a little worried when you started to talk about bleaching your hair with your cousin.

    Keep up the good work, I love your blog!

    Epic Tales of a professional Freakshow in Heels
    http://freakshowinheals.blogspot.com/

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  18. I'm only commenting so you will reply to me in email.

    +1 for ass picture

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  19. Oh trust me Kristine. You could not have been any worse than the navy guys (most of them from Oklahoma) on their "Waverunners of AWSUM." You see, we grew up in Virginia Beach and were "too cool for school" surf rats. All summer (until we could afford wetsuits and gas and could surf all year, circa age 20) we would sit and bob in the nearly waveless surf, and then it would happen..ZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOM out of the inlet, 5 navy guys on rented waverunners! They would run into each other at high speeds, run inland to the surf zone (seriously spoiling our super cool mojo with our girlish frightened screams for help), and yell all kinds of "Billy Bad Ass" quotes at us, as they zoomed by and narrowly avoided hitting the jetty.

    In most cases, this scenario came to a close when the Coasties showed up, arrested them all for BUI, and had the Naval Base paddy wagon show up to take them back to base.

    The circle of life.

    Speaking of which, that spray is definitely inappropriate.

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  20. If there had been pirates-which would have been awesome-instead of getting killed by them you would have joined them for the cool eye-patches and parrots. THAT'S how it would have gone down-I'm sure of it.

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  21. lovely blog! your posts are witty and fun

    <3

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  22. You have a gift for story telling, and an even more genius gift for marking up hilarious pictures. Thanks!

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  23. Oh, how I wish that was my body in that picture. Pirate kidnappings and all.

    Also: good luck with BuyHer! I hope it works for you, that'd be so awesome to have someone cool and very funny doing product reviews.

    You know, to make them so much less boring...seriously.

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  24. but i needed to know WHY pirates have dark hair. i guess its back to the innernets to troll for... the answer. just the answer. nothing else.

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  25. lovely blog! your posts are witty and fun

    <3

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  26. Oh goodness. When I first clicked this post, I apparently was not reading carefully. I read the title as Why PRIVATES have dark hair. Why did that make me want to read the post.. Im not really sure? I have to admit I was a little worried when you started to talk about bleaching your hair with your cousin.

    Keep up the good work, I love your blog!

    Epic Tales of a professional Freakshow in Heels
    http://freakshowinheals.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  27. well stupidity and teenage years always go hand in hand. how any of us survived to be adults is beyond reason and yet we did so there is hope our children will to..lol

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