Monday, October 18, 2010

Wal-Mart: It's the Worst that Could Happen

I think I'm finally emerging from what was the worst streak of bad luck ever encountered by any human EVER.  The fact of the matter is that I've blocked much of it from my mind (it involves POOP, you guys. POOP and NO SLEEP and STIFF NECKS and VENGEFUL CATS and GETTING OUT OF THE SHOWER TO FIND NO TOWEL AND DRYING MYSELF WITH TISSUES).  But after some reflection upon why I have been smited so, I realized that the streak all began at WalMart.

Now, this, friends, was clearly my first mistake. Here at the Van, we are not a Wal-Mart family based on the principal that it is an evil institution and somehow connected to the zombie apocalypse. My husband and I have debated this and I have relented, finally, realizing that the store makes me fucking crazy anyway, so WIN-WIN.

But the other day, I offered to run an errand for my mother so that I could get out of the godforsaken house.  This errand? This errand brought me to Wal-Mart, guys. And I hear you now, all, But, c'mon Kristine, it's a STORE for crying out loud. WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN.

Well, funny you should ask.  Let me answer that for you with the following list and illustrations:

1. Entering the parking lot to this SUPER Wal-Mart is pretty much as frustrating as playing that old-fashioned marble game Labyrinth when you're like 5 years too young to even coordinate the damn handles.  Observe:



I'm not totally sure who engineered this mother of a parking lot, but I'm pretty sure he's not a Wal-Mart guy either and is all ROFLMAOMMMMGGGGG you guys, SUCKERS!

2. Once I navigated the maze and slayed the necessary dragons, I was promoted to the next level where I found myself within walking distance to the warehouse. I decided to park toward the opposite end. There were fewer cars, there, you see, and since rain was threatening, I wanted to get a somewhat close spot lest I come out with my arms full of sweat-shop labor produced items and HEAVEN FORBID, get damp.

3. As I made my way over to this desolate region, I started to let down my guard.  It's just a store! Be optimistic! Maybe they have a puppies and rainbows section! 

BAM.

It was at this point when I was backed into by a young, angsty, and impossibly angry/rude/motherfucking cunty 18 year old child.  Now, while contact was not *exactly* made, I did have to slam on my breaks which gives about the same effect of a crash: I gagged for a few moments on my seatbelt which was alerted to STRANGLE mode and the contents of my vehicle lunged forward and scattered under mats, into seat cushions, and perhaps into crevices I knew not existed.  I've yet to find my lip gloss, people.

Oh, did I mention that she gave me the finger as she drove away?  Lovely, that girl.  She'll go places with that finger.

4.  Once inside the store, I was greeted by tormented souls with absolutely no interest in LIVING let alone helping me purchase my sweatshop labor produced items.  Fucking Wal-Mart, right?

5. To buy three items, it took me no less than 45 minutes between finding unmanned registers, being told to look up UPC numbers myself (eh, wha?), and ultimately stomping around like a privileged white woman demanding the service I fucking deserved.

6. I made it out of Wal-Mart alive that day, my friends, but I lost a bit of my soul in the Halloween aisle.  And, perhaps worst of all, have given my husband yet another opportunity to say I told you so, wife.

39 comments:

  1. You've got to watch those "I told you so" moments. Giving too many of those to the male species, even though I happen to be one, can possibly ruin your day. ;)

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  2. Hilarious!! I agree that Wal Mart is evil. Except I can't stop going there. I usually hate everything I buy from there, but for some reason my brain is all "It'll be better next time."

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  3. i seriously hate walmart. having grown up in new york, we didn't actually HAVE any walmarts that i knew of until about 2005. we figured walmarts were only in other places, places with the type of people we would not want to be associated with. the first walmart we had where i lived smelled like they bussed in homeless men to urinate in the aisles.

    but then i moved to central florida, where walmart is a way of life. i gave in and shopped there for about two years. then I HATED IT. they overcharged me EVERY time i went in the store. 13 cents on toothpaste this week. 75 cents on bread that week. never enough to warrant waiting on the ridiculously long customer service line. it added up to a coupld of bucks a month.

    but then i realized they were getting a couple of bucks a month from EVERY PERSON in that walmart. potentially in EVERY WALMART that exists. so they are making all this money off of us with their nickle and diming of the populace.

    THAT is when i decided walmart was a soul sucking warehouse of doom and now do all my shopping at target and publix.

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  4. Hilarious. I just hate the rush, not helping staff, and on top of all the beautiful fingers that jut out every minute you make a move in your car.
    You seriously have an awesome edge to your writing.
    Keep posting.
    BH

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  5. Reason number 547 why I will continue to avoid Walmart. I do seem to get sucked back in from time to time, only, like you, to find yet another reason why I should ban the place for eternity.

    www.katsplaybook.com

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  6. I have always said that (much like Iowa) Wal-Mart is the place Dreams Go To Die. Sad.

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

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  7. Every day I thank God I live in England where there is no Wal-Mart. I do enjoy pictures of the wierdos who shop there though. Not saying you're a wierdo, oh no not at all, because you were coerced into going there and not of your own volition.

    Did I get out of that one ok?

    J.

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  8. So awesome to meet someone else who suffers from "Walmart Rage"... damn yellow smiley face stickers, blue vests with collector pins and why the hell do the carts SHOCK you?

    www.curtainsareopen.blogspot.com

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  9. We have a Target right next to our WalMart. The differences are astounding! "Soul Crushing" is the only way I can describe the Walmart here in my burb of DC. You want to lose faith in humanity? Go there.

    Better yet, fuck WalMart & go to Target. Our's even sells babies

    QueenOfTheFall.blogspot.com

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  10. What is frightening here, is that the local wallyworld is the local "cruize-in" for all the young punks in their pimped out mazdas on Friday and Saturday nights. Seriously. They cruise up and down highway 70 ALL. Night. Long. Doing U-turns back and forth in front of the shopping center, and gathering en masse in the walmart parking lot, until the poor excuse for security runs them off (for about an hour, then they're back.)

    The parking lot is pretty easy to navigate here, but I avoid trying to park close, to avoid the afore-mentioned "my car is more entitled to drive here than your car" arseholes that pack the place like you (almost) ran into.

    Gag.
    See you at Target!
    Scratch

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  12. Walmart = HELL! I'm emailing you my 9/6 post. Feel free to share if you want. I wish I had been warned sooner - maybe this will help someone else!

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  13. Still stuck on drying off with tissues. Oh! A punny accident: "stuck on."

    WalMart is like Riverdance, a lot of people go, but few enjoy the experience.

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  14. lol...I would like to say I'm sorry you had the experience but then I wouldn't have this lovely blog to entertain me this morning. I guess I'm selfish like that.
    BTW, in the past few weeks I have made some comments in my blogs about how I thought Wal-Mart was the anitchrist. See, people? It's not Bin Laden or even Obama (or any other brown person you can name). The Van has proved it.
    http://www.ashafullife.blogspot.com

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  15. If you think shopping there is bad, try working there.

    Wal-Mart does everything in its power to completely break their "associates"; you have to remain loyal or you have no job. Management is a bunch of flaming assholes who constantly ride the asses of the good workers and promote the morons who don't know what the hell they are doing. If you do actually give a damn and try to be helpful, trust me, your immediate supervisor will break you of that. I've been stopped by customers while walking back to the break room and have helped them, only to have my "friendly and helpful" CSM (customer service manager) chew my ass out because I was gone for longer than fifteen damn minutes. On top of that, one of my friends who has been at his Wal-Mart for a very long time just got written up for someone else's mistake. This is not a joke.

    And people wonder why all the associates at Wal-Mart look so damn pissed off. It's because we have to smile and deal with a metric ton of bullshit, that's why.

    God, please let me get published so I can get the hell out of that shithole.

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  16. Want to see something really scary? Try Wal-Mart at 2 a.m. where it's Halloween every night of the year. Not for the faint of heart.

    K. Do not ever go there again without a pit bull and a taser.

    http://warrensphotos.blogspot.com/

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  17. My husband once said to me, "every time I go in wal-mart it feels like the world is ending." I replied by saying, "no way! Low prices are awesome, blah blah blah" I now have come to see his side, much in the same way you have, and refuse to go anywhere near it!

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  18. You just made me LOL and dribble my Diet Coke down the front of my shirt at work. Which I guess is my punishment for reading this while at work. Thanks, I needed a good laugh on this Monday of all Mondays.

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  19. I. Hate. Walmart. BUT -- I have a friend who swears that is the place to go in the event of a zombie apocolypse. Think about it. Not a bad idea. That's the only time I'll set foot in that horrible store.

    (Also, have you seen the documentary about Walmart called "The High Cost of Low Prices"? Available on Netflix. Very good and will solidify your anti-Walmart a thousand times. Check it out!!)

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  20. Absolutely hilarious. Walmart is hell.

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  21. Your parking lot diagram is dead on. I vastly prefer target, but Wal-Mart is the only store in about a 40-min radius that carries sewing supplies, and until
    Goodwill starts carrying EXACTLY what I need for costumes, I'm forced to frequent Wal-Mart every October. Either that, or plan ahead, which continues to be as unlikely as ever.

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  22. Oh gah, the Wal Marts. Dread. I went there today for weed killer on my lunch break. Yeah, that was a laugh riot.

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  23. Oh my gosh. I agree with this. I HATE WalMart with a passion, but my fiancee is all "lol, walmart is cheap, we are broke...blah blah blah." Every time I go in one of those places, I feel like I need to be sanitized when I leave. And heaven forbid one need to use the bathroom...I am pretty sure you will get some kind of disease just by looking at them.

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  24. Do.Not.Ever enter a Wal-Mart to purchase fewer than 150 items. God forbid you get stuck behind some moron buying a year's worth of personal lubricant and bottles of Arbor Mist so that you can buy a bag of kiwis and Ibuprofen.

    www.oneperfectword.blogspot.com

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  25. See? Husbands are always right, all the time, all the time.

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  26. I am so in love with your blog it is ridiculous. I think I have a blog crush. I am giving you the awards in one of those pass-it-on award thingies. If you have already received them, then just know that I think you are a rawkstar and you make me laugh.

    Jess from www.jessfinds.com

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  27. Wal Mart makes me weep for the future. And the present. And pretty much everything else.

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  28. Walmart is the devil. The guy that checks my receipt cannot read, so I've been giving him the same receipt for like a year now...I think that was the last time I actually bought something there.

    Walmart is a life sucking alien entity, long live Target!!

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  29. This is precisely why the following site exists: http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

    Our thoughts are with you as you recover from this PTSD-inducing tragedy. If there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to let me know.

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  30. I was once literally frisked by an 80 something year old "greeter" after setting off the alarm walking through the detector thing at our local Walmart. He insisted I "had" something, despite the fact that I was walking INTO the store. I kid you not.

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  31. :D You compared life to a video game! I love it.

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  32. I'm sorry but the idea of Wal-Mart as a 'discount' store pretty much confuses the hell out of me...I mean how is a $30 throw pillow discounted? What on earth was the original price and is it stuffed with gold and or money?

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  33. Wal-mart is where I go to learn fashion don'ts. If I see someone in Wal-mart wearing it then I burn the outfit when I get home LMAO!

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  34. Wal-mart is the devil. (And so is that little bitch and her finger.)

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  35. Round here there isn't much difference between the Wal-Mart or the other super stores. Granted Wal-Mart is much more populated, but pretty much any store you walk into will have the pick of the litter, myself included (stretchy yoga pants and hoddy hura!). And it's rare to find an 18 year old now a days that isn't being an arzhole. Sorry bout your bad day van lady. nuttin but love.

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  36. i go to walmart every week,.its not to bad.we have the problem of people standing in the middle of the isyle talking and refusing to move.ir when your on one side of the isyle and theres plenty of room a person say excuse me you move thiking they want something where your standing but nope they just wanted the entire isle.also the hardly any checkout lanes open.i dont even know why they have so many if none of them but 3 or 4 are opened at one time.yes we have problems in the parking lot to.anyway walmart is ok to me.its the people who go there that i wanna kill.

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  37. Wal-mart is where I go to learn fashion don'ts. If I see someone in Wal-mart wearing it then I burn the outfit when I get home LMAO!

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  38. I am so in love with your blog it is ridiculous. I think I have a blog crush. I am giving you the awards in one of those pass-it-on award thingies. If you have already received them, then just know that I think you are a rawkstar and you make me laugh.

    Jess from www.jessfinds.com

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