Her: Running to the store...need anything?
Me: Yeah, a NANNY.
Her: Ha. So nothing then?
Me: Um, no, I said a NANNY. The biggest one they have, please.
Her: Rough day, huh?
Me: Nothing a NANNY wouldn't cure!
Her: Well I'll text you later.
Me: But wait, I need some milk!
Her: You're so annoying.
Me: Hey! Busy today? You should come visit!
Her: Doing the cancer walk.
Me: Lame. Fucking cancer.
Me: [Sent pictures of boys' matching head bruises]
Him: What are those from?
Me: Hitting things. With their heads.
Me: I've lost all control. I'm texting from the closet where they've locked me.
Me: You're in cahoots aren't you?
Them: Free AT&T message: Reminder, your bill is ready. Try out payment options at att.com/mywireless or dial *PAY and press send to pay from your phone.
Me: I've got something you can PRESS.
Them: This is an unattended mailbox. Do not respond.
Me: I just texted. To say. I love you.
Her: Thanks for your Stevie-inspired text. Did you mean it from the bottom of your heart?
Me: Only if you're willing to be my part-time lover.
Her: This joke died last week.
Me: The writing's on the wall.