Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My Hard Knock Nipple Life

The other day began with a text from SNF (Shiny New Friend). She was in the midst of a coffee crisis. As in, she-was-out-of-coffee coffee-crisis.  So I made her a cup. That's what friends are for! (I mean, apparently. I had to look that up first on Google, actually, since this is all so new to me. Search terms included SHOULD I PLAY HARD TO GET and DO I HAVE TO DO HER LAUNDRY TOO.)

Later, that evening, I got another text.

Duuuuude. I'll give you a kidney for more caffeine.

And since I'm running low on kidneys, I decided I'd just run her over a whole damn bag of coffee.  (Well, the kidney thing AND so she'd just quit whining already.  Because COME ON.)  But by the time I got the kids down for bed it was about half an hour later and I'd forgotten to tell her that I was going to be her caffeine savior.  But she's my neighbor, right? We're friends, now, yeah?  These types of arrangements don't require advance notice, am I wrong?  (No, really, I'm still not sure fortheloveofgod.)

So I quickly slipped on my clogs, skipped a coat, and walked out of my house, into the cold evening air, down the sidewalk, and up the stairs to her front door, where I rang the door bell, Seattle's Best in-hand.  No one answered, but I saw lights on.  I leaned slightly to my right and peeked in through the front window, suddenly curious if anyone could actually have a caffeine-withdrawal induced heart attack.  After knocking a few more times, I was debating weather to just leave the coffee on the porch or call the paramedics.  That's when I heard my name being called from across the street.

KRISTINE! OVER HERE!

I turned slowly because I suddenly remembered what I'd seen across the street as I walked toward her house minutes ago.

A party.  Guys, I had seen a late-night cool-kids party.

Now would be a good time to remember that I'm in my pajamas, sports bra (READ: no padding from the effects of cold weather), dog-chewed clogs, and early morning makeup (READ: smudged mascara that gives that coke-head look).  When I finally completed my slow, hesitant turn about fifteen minutes later, I saw SNF's husband waving me over.  Of course.

At this point, I'm doing some sort of shuffle on the porch, moving to go, then hesitating and looking back into the house as if someone will miraculously materialize.  But at this point, now that I'd been identified, I decided it would be much MORE weird for me to just leave the coffee on the porch than to walk across the street to a woman's house who I KNOW dislikes me, knock on their door IN MY MOTHERFUCKING PAJAMAS, ask for someone who DOES NOT live there, and hand said person a bag of coffee.  At like 8:00 at night.  Clearly, I'm pretty awesome at making decisions.

SO. Across the street I went, cursing her husband for even remembering my name.

When I reached the porch, I could see them through storm door, congregated down the hall.  In a circle, naturally.  THE WOMEN.  I timidly knocked on the door, but this was not effective.  So rather than muster the amount of determination required to knock again, just more firmly, I just stood there like a fucking creepshow until someone realized that there was a possessed, pointy-nippled zombie in pajamas standing at their doorway.  Which, actually worked pretty well because suddenly they all seemed to raise their heads at once and scowl.


But I didn't flinch. I pretty much expected this. I mean, c'mon. Look at me.  No, really.  LOOK AT ME.

I don't even think anyone made any movements toward the door--probably making mental notes of where the closest blunt objects might be--so I ended up opening it myself.  Appropriate, right?  Yeah, sure, why not? I'M ON A ROLL.  I stuck my head into the entryway and mumbled something about SHINY NEW FRIEND HERE? and thankfully without much further ado, she popped her head around the corner and dashed toward me. By the look on her face, I'm surprised she wasn't carrying a blanket saying something like, MY GOD, LET'S GET YOU COVERED UP!  Instead, she stroked my head lovingly, thanked me for the coffee over the din of the gasping and loud music, and told me she'd text me later.  (Friends do that, right?)  I turned around and walked briskly back to the house with my hands folded across my chest.  (No no, there was no shame here.  It was the nipples, remember?)

In the end, I felt kinda bad that I had given the coffee to her right there, because she had to go BACK IN to the party with it and somehow work that prop into the equation.  Perhaps she was also asked to explain her taste in human beings.

How awkward.


40 comments:

  1. Boy if I had a dime for every nipply pajama clad chick that has brought me coffee at night. I could... well... buy a coffee.

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

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  2. I think you need to move away from Wisteria Lane.

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  3. I want to thank you for always making me wince (even if just for a second) when I see the title of a new post appear in my blogger dashboard! But also notice that seeing the word "nipple" didn't stop me from clicking to read...

    Also, thanks for the flashback to college. Me in my PJs at 8pm and the cool girls wondering what my deal is...

    Consumed: My Culinary Adventure

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  4. Kind of makes you wish you could be a Fem-bot like in Austin Powers and shoot gunfire from your nipples, doesn't it? I mean, doesn't it??

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  5. this is why i don't bother making shiny new friends. i only keep the friends who already know how fucking crazy i am.

    of course, none of them live near me. and i only leave the house to go food shopping, to the library, or to disney. where i try super hard NOT to interact with other people.

    huh.

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  6. One look at the picture of Jem and the Holigrams and now the theme song is in my head. Now I'll NEVER get to sleep.

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  7. Is it possible that there is another person on this planet who has as much trouble with social interaction as I do? No. Just not possible. But you're close and also way funnier than I am. You're Supercalifragilisticfunny! (Sp?)

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  8. That's outrageous! Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

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  9. i cringe when i think of how many neighbors i've scared with my bralessness. embarrassing!

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  10. Met my son's new gf in my pajamas. I was so proud. Luckily, she's dating a boy who'll wear something resembling Joey's Thanksgiving pants to school, just bc he can, so she clearly has a high tolerance for the embarrassing. She, naturally, is darling, but we live in the neighborhood of a nursing home, so my pajamas fit right in.

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  11. Gotta admire your coffee delivering persistence. I'm probably not quite nice enough to do that. ;)

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  12. I could picture the houses the walk to the SNF house, what you were wearing and the women in the house across the street perfectly because I have been there done that, and then we moved. To the country. To a log Cabin in the woods. I should ask my husband why we did that again? Could it be my embarrasing moments in the old neighborhood? Loved it!

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  13. you are one brave girl..

    http://becca-mycrazystuff.blogspot.com/

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  14. Sometimes I wonder why I don't try to make friends... Then I hear what people with friends go through. I feel validated in my decision again.

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  15. You are the BFF that everyone wishes they had.

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  16. I live in the wrong neighborhood!

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  17. Kristine, you make me feel like a socialite. That IS a compliment (you're making me feel good about myself, which is the good thing about you, so it IS a compliment, right? Just accept it as a compliment, please). You're my new heroine. Addictive reading, too! (Pun intended.) :o)

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  18. I am new to your blog and blogging in general. I just wanted to say that this has been a greatly entertaining read! Keep it up!

    Feel free to check out Epic tales of a Professional Freakshow in Heels at http://freakshowinheals.blogspot.com/

    cheers!

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  19. I love awkwardness.

    Great title for your blog, by the way. I love it!

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  20. By the way, the comment box just asked me to type "Reptard" to make sure I'm human. I'm assuming that's some sort of mentally challenged lizzard?

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  21. Are those girls from the "Gem" ouevre?

    http://missingthemuse.blogspot.com

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  22. Why is she hanging out with THOSE bitches? Ugh. She probably has real Sebagos and Jordache jeans, too.

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  23. You are soooooo smooth.

    Don't worry. I'd bet money that The Women found you vivacious and charming. And possibly nipplicious.

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  24. Thank God she didn't want sugar. Lord know what would have gotten exposed then.

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  25. the possessed and pointy nippled, pajama wearing variety are the BEST kind of zombies! when you're dead and craving brains you should probably flaunt what you've got, no?

    i wish we lived closer to each other so *i* could get late night, trap-door having, coffee bringing visits from you.

    i'd never shun you like those Hologram bitches. i'd just sneer and harass you like the Misfit that I am. and then invite you to do the same with me as others arrived.

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  26. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  27. I don't think that anyone has worked that hard to give me coffee before. SNF better appreciate you pajamas and all!

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  28. Any snf who doesn't appreciate pjs and nipples isn't going to be my friend for long.

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  29. just wanted to pass on this award

    http://becca-mycrazystuff.blogspot.com/2010/10/versatile-blogger.html

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  30. Shiny new friend.Interesting post, hilarious and so true at the same time.Reminds me of desperate house wives.
    BH

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  31. AWESOME. So glad you won some shoes on my blog so I could click over and find you!

    Do you really have a trap door?

    Oh yeah! You won some shoes. Maybe you can wear them instead of clogs next time?

    email me: mctrickyb at sbcglobal dot net

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  32. I don't know if want any skinny new friends, because to be quite honest it's just to much work.

    http://nomoredebtachesnow.blogspot.com/

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  33. Moral: Always wear a decent bra when leaving the house. XD

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  34. I don't know if want any skinny new friends, because to be quite honest it's just to much work.

    http://nomoredebtachesnow.blogspot.com/

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  35. Shiny new friend.Interesting post, hilarious and so true at the same time.Reminds me of desperate house wives.
    BH

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  36. I love awkwardness.

    Great title for your blog, by the way. I love it!

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  37. I am new to your blog and blogging in general. I just wanted to say that this has been a greatly entertaining read! Keep it up!

    Feel free to check out Epic tales of a Professional Freakshow in Heels at http://freakshowinheals.blogspot.com/

    cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Met my son's new gf in my pajamas. I was so proud. Luckily, she's dating a boy who'll wear something resembling Joey's Thanksgiving pants to school, just bc he can, so she clearly has a high tolerance for the embarrassing. She, naturally, is darling, but we live in the neighborhood of a nursing home, so my pajamas fit right in.

    ReplyDelete