Sunday, October 3, 2010

Ask the Van--The Warren Edition

I know it's been a while since our last installment of Ask! The! Van! but it's totally not my fault. In fact, it's YOURS.  I cannot answer questions without THE QUESTIONS THEMSELVES.  Actually, I've been getting lots of emails about my personal life, ones requesting lessons on html and photoshop, and others begging me to give them all my traffic/wit/stunning good looks.  People. It's an ADVICE COLUMN.  That said, I'll gladly tell you about my life if you give me a book deal, teach you computer knowledge if you pay me cash and don't care about actually learning anything, and send you a shitton of traffic if you pay to advertise on my site for an exorbitant fee (read: cookies, babysitting, and hair styling services).

So, that should settle those questions, right?  RIGHT.

Luckily for everyone, this guy managed to come up with a question that I can work with.  So, here's what he sent along to Ask the Van:
Today, as I was delivering an extra chair to a relative's house, I made a wrong turn, parked, and had the heavy chair halfway through the front door when I realized I was at the home of a complete stranger. (The houses do look similar.)  The question is, what do you say to a man whom you've never seen before in your life and is considering a. calling the police or b. pulling his nine millimeter Smith & Wesson?

Warren
Warren, after cracking up for several days and kind of wishing this story had happened to me, because um, FUNNY, I realized that what you don't need are more laughs.  What you do need, Warren, is an intervention.

Warren, your kind family gesture first went awry with that wrong turn. Why do you not have a GPS, Warren? Is it because you're too manly to ask for directions? Because that is way cliche and sexist.  Next, I'm concerned about your eyesight. Because similar houses? Warren. I live in the damn Truman Show of communities and even the pets and children find their way home at night after having been set out of the house at first sign of dawn.  I mean, who is this "relative" exactly? Have you even been to this person's house ever or was this some kind of odd Craigslist rendezvous?  Actually, don't answer that.  Moving right along, Warren, I'm also worried about your sense of etiquette. Did you even ring the doorbell? Because that is customary in America even among people with poor eyesight and an inability to follow directions. 

So, to recap:

1. Stop being sexist against GPS-es. Buy one with a man's voice if you must. Ours is named Jack. His voice suggests he's a bit of a drinker, but he's fairly reliable and has yet to direct me off the side of a bridge or into a lake. Which is a lot more than some of the other drinkers I've met in my lifetime.

2. Warren, you need a driver. Or caretaker. Or maybe just befriend a dog or child with a good sense of direction.  But be prepared for the backlash of hanging out with young children.  Because NO ONE is buying that story, Warren.

3. Familiarize yourself with social norms. Did you know there's an institute of social norms, Warren? ME NEITHER.  It's called the National Social Norms Institute, and it's financed by Anheuser Busch, which means it's probably run by a bunch of alcoholics, so don't trust anything they say about throwing parties for underaged drinkers because it's probably going to violate your terms of probation (see #2).

And to answer your ACTUAL question, Warren, I believe that the only acceptable way to get out of such an awkward position is to play dumb. You might be stupidly aggressive and say things like, "WELL AIN'T THIS A FINE HOWDOYADO."  Or you might make references to 1990's sitcom humor by saying things like PIVOT! PIVOT! PIIII-VOOOOOOOT!" If all else fails, request a sandwich so that at least you'll have a last supper of sorts.  Being a criminal and all. 


(Or, maybe just apologize and tell him you're a blogger. Should explain loads.)

*****

Want to send me a question? GET ON THE BOAT, BANANA! Email me at waitinthevan [at] gmail [dot] com.


21 comments:

  1. Personally if I were the person living in the house I would have went with it:

    "Hey thanks, been waiting for you buddy. You can set it right over here - you're the best - take care pal" and quickly ushered him out the door.

    Think about it.. Warren would be either embarrassed about going into the wrong house or scared about being rolled by some psycho - either way he'd be relieved to be out of that situation quickly, even tho he'd be losing the damn chair. But he is the idiot going into the wrong house, so he pretty much deserved to lose the chair anyway.

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

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  2. Best advice column I've read in AGES (of course, probably the only one I've read in ages, but that's not really important, now is it?).

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  3. SD: remember this is an INTERVENTION. Warren is not an idiot. WE LOVE HIM and just want him to get better.

    OBG: not important AT ALL.

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  4. Apparently Warren needs to get a life with real relatives, not the made up ones from his story....btw, you are the reason I turn on my PC every day, best comedy without having to go to a comedy club, I am in awe!!!

    Do you think that will buy me a little plug on your blog? I've posted a question for the van too....I mean really, how far does a woman have to go to get some recognition? :)

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  5. Guys! Warren is a fellow reader, which means I consider him a friend. If I get any more anti-Warren comments, they'll be deleted, thankyouverymuch.

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  6. At least Warren is willing to admit he has a problem... isn't that the first step?

    What color was the chair? Was it plaid or some super-ugly big floral print?
    If so, I can understand the hostility exhibited by the owner of the wrong house.
    Now if it was nice brown leather... that dude has anger issues.

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  7. Believe it or not, Warren is not alone. I recently heard a similar story: My friend's mother was on her way over to help clean and got all the way to the door with her vaccuum, mop, and bucket before she realized it was the wrong house. She said she thought it was the right house because like her daughter, they also had a trailer in the driveway. I think some people just navigate life a little differently. S'all I'm sayin'...

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  8. Folks, you gotta remember, I’m old, practically senile. Idiot? Well, dementia maybe, I do have my bad days. But in my defense, I had been to the house in question on only one occasion and that was at night… I think. For the full story, please follow the link.

    http://warrensphotos.blogspot.com/2010/09/taco-who.htm

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  9. Did you make this up? Seriously, did you? LOL!

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  10. "Or, maybe just apologize and tell him you're a blogger."

    That, my dear, is GOLD right there. I'm helping myself to it if that's okay.

    Thank you, once again, for the funniest thing I read in a few days (only since your last post, actually). :o)

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  11. New follower - very cool blog. Love for you to check my blog and follow me. Thanks
    Mr Monkey

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  12. I love Warren!! Great Advice Kristine - as far as the GPS voice - he might like a sexy one better.....

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  13. That is freaking hilarious!!! I would've loved to see the guys face!!

    A GPS is a great idea, my only problem is that that little person in the box thinks they know everything!!!

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  14. This advice column needs to be syndicated immediately. I'll physically fight or verbally battle anyone who says otherwise or gets in the way.

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  15. I always shout PIVOT!!! while moving things, even though my husband is anti-FRIENDS (sacrilege), has never seen the episode, and has no idea how hilarious I am being.

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  16. That was the funniest read I've run across today. I can't help but think Warren may never see this advice. I mean besides the GPS-less snafu, houses usually have numbers on them. Do you think he's gonna find his way back here for the advice? ;)

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  17. You should be a professional advice giver and shit.

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  18. I always shout PIVOT!!! while moving things, even though my husband is anti-FRIENDS (sacrilege), has never seen the episode, and has no idea how hilarious I am being.

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  19. That is freaking hilarious!!! I would've loved to see the guys face!!

    A GPS is a great idea, my only problem is that that little person in the box thinks they know everything!!!

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  20. New follower - very cool blog. Love for you to check my blog and follow me. Thanks
    Mr Monkey

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