Sunday, October 10, 2010

Ask the Van -- The Fire Marshall Edition

Well, the questions are starting to roll in, guys, and as a result, I'm starting to worry about humanity.  Well, even more so than before, that is.  The upside? GREAT blog fodder. GREAT. This week, we have a question from Sam who is concerned for her life.  HER LIFE, GUYS. 

(And she's asking me?  Suddenly we're all concerned for her life, aren't we?)

Here's the question she sent in:

My husband likes to smoke in his sleep. It would be cool if he just woke up in the middle of the night and took a stroll down 110th, got a slurpy, and came back (like regular sleep walkers), but instead he lights a cigarette and goes back to sleep.  As a result, I feel I have to stay in a semi-conscious state in order to prevent him from burning down the house and/or ruining every single duvet cover I buy. Can this be stopped? How do I stop this?

Sam. (find her blog here)

So.

Ah.

Fire, eh?

DUDE. FIRE?!

I know that I mentioned Warren needed a serious intervention last week, but that situation pales in comparison to your FIRESTARTING husband.  I mean, is he at least cute? Rich? Wait, stop distracting me! What's important here is the FIRE thing!

Here's my suggestion, and it involves a bit of role playing, so I hope you're not too proud (which I'm guessing your not given the fact that you've openly admitted to this, eh, issue.)  I'll break it into steps for easier reading in case symptoms of smoke inhalation have already set in:

1. Allow your husband to fall asleep as normal. Perhaps sniff around for any gas leaks. Just to be safe. Heh.

2. After he's clearly asleep, sneak off into the other room where you've previously stashed a SMOKEY THE BEAR COSTUME. (No, I don't have one you can borrow. Try eBay, alright?)

3. Stay the fuck awake.  As in, fully conscious.  Having young children helps with this part. I'll send you mine.  They should be ok with a gas mask and a flashlight, right?

4. When you hear Carrie the firestarter your devoted husband begin to stir, alert yourself to his location and wait for the cigarette to be lit.

5. When he's starting to walk away from the utterly dangerous, unattended piece of flame that will likely destroy all you've ever hoped or dreamed for, JUMP OUT AT HIM in your Smokey the Bear costume and SCARE THE SHIT out of him.  Maybe say something like RAWRRR! or FREEZE BASTARD! or LOOK WHAT'S BECOME OF MEEEEE! for added effect. Based on my entirely scientific, authentic, undisputed knowledge as a bullshitter sleep therapist, I know that this negative association with his behavior, coupled with the potential trauma that comes with a TV character associated with childhood appearing to make an attempt on his life, will probably transfer his predilection for sleep-smoking to sleep-screaming and/or crying. (Also known as night terrors.) MUCH safer.

6. Now, I hear you protesting already. Some crap about NEVER WAKE A SLEEPWALKER! and HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THIS SCENE BELOW FROM STEP-BROTHERS?!



7. Well, yes, I have seen the movie, Sam, and I think it'll be a valuable tool for you here. To recap:


8. You have life insurance, right?  Let us know how it goes!  And hey, there's always marriage #2, right? I hear they're WAY BETTER.

22 comments:

  1. "And hey, there's always marriage #2, right? I hear they're WAY BETTER."

    Love it.

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  2. I agree some of "scared straight" tactic has to be taken here. As for waking a sleepwalker, who gives a shit.. when the house is on fire and flames are licking at his toes my guess is that will be a pretty rude awakening too.

    I'd have a bucket of cold water handy.. if he sleep-smokes just dump it on his head. I guarantee that will break the habit pretty damn quick.

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

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  3. How about Smokey the Bear goes into a rage filled diatribe about the dangers of smoking and of burning your loved ones, while he/she destroys every single cigarette with a flame thrower? You know, for a wow effect he won't forget....

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  4. Great (creative) advice period. Along with this advice I'd ban the storage of the smoke sticks from the premises. If he's gonna wake up for a smoke, might as well make him drive to an all night convenience store for 'em. Then lock the f'ing door.

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  5. I tend to endorse any solution that involves a costume and some creative role play.

    But sometimes, you have to let one house burn to the ground to really teach someone a valuable lesson.

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  6. Just be happy he doesn't do laundry in his sleep because instead of fire you'd have to worry about your whites and colors getting mixed up or a sweater being shrunk in the dryer and THAT would be the real tragedy.

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  7. Life insurance. That was the best advice, hidden right there at the end!

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  8. well if he's rich let him burn down the house then you can get a bigger one but if not try the replacing real things with fake. hey we all know how much guys like fake things (like boobs)anyways good luck with this.

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  9. Thank you for answering my question! This is excellent and very very scientific advice which you can be sure I will follow immediately. As soon as my costume comes in the mail I will attempt the Smokey The Bear Behavior Modification Session. I'll send a video of how it went.

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  10. Amazing advice! I could almost guarantee that this is verbatim what a professional psychotherapist would prescribe (or, maybe not in any way, shape, or form, but WHATEV). Prepare for an onslaught of questions from advice-starved readers like me.

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  11. As a husband myself I can probably surmise that he's subconsciously trying to take back his manhood after he caved & let himself get talked into pink duvet covers WITH FLOWERS.

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  12. Hey! My duvet cover is grey and it's certainly NOT covered in flowers. I'm sorry but I feel the need to defend myself-I'm not into floral patterns.

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  13. #8? Now that is funny!! Way better... :)

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  14. Geez.

    I knew a girl who liked to smoke in bed.

    Wasn't cigarettes though.

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  15. Or us the old trick of sticking a nicotine patch over his mouth, he will never smoke in bed again, or snore for that matter.

    Note: Danger of Suffocation!

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  16. .......Wouldn't it be easier and less expensive to just hide the cigs after hubby goes to bed?

    ....then all you'd have to worry about is getting up before he does, to put the cigs back out in the morning. Which I'm sure you can do since you'll be able to get that good night's sleep finally.

    He can't smoke (awake OR asleep) if he can't find 'em, yes?

    I'm just sayin'.
    Fresh from a renaissance Faire
    Scratch

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  17. My bad, Sam... It's just that my wife told me all wives must have pink floral bedding & that husbands should just accept it & it was in the marriage contract fine-print somewhere & ... HEEEY, I'VE BEEN HAD!!!

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  18. Ahahahahahahahahhaaaa! I just found your blog and am loving it!!!

    xx

    November Grey

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  19. Dear Vinny C.-
    (LMAO)I am very sorry to hear about your pink floral bedding predicament-it would seem that your wife has in fact successfully pulled the rose colored wool over your eyes. You should have that contract looked at and see if there's a loop hole somewhere-no one should have to live with floral bedding.

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  20. Hillarious, you are an amazing writer, just love how you write the incidents.lol.
    I loved the send my children point XD
    BH

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  21. What was this post about? You had me at the Step Brothers clip.

    "You keep your liver spotted hands off of my saint of a mother!"

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  22. Ahahahahahahahahhaaaa! I just found your blog and am loving it!!!

    xx

    November Grey

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