(And she's asking me? Suddenly we're all concerned for her life, aren't we?)
Here's the question she sent in:
My husband likes to smoke in his sleep. It would be cool if he just woke up in the middle of the night and took a stroll down 110th, got a slurpy, and came back (like regular sleep walkers), but instead he lights a cigarette and goes back to sleep. As a result, I feel I have to stay in a semi-conscious state in order to prevent him from burning down the house and/or ruining every single duvet cover I buy. Can this be stopped? How do I stop this?
Sam. (find her blog here)
I know that I mentioned Warren needed a serious intervention last week, but that situation pales in comparison to your FIRESTARTING husband. I mean, is he at least cute? Rich? Wait, stop distracting me! What's important here is the FIRE thing!
Here's my suggestion, and it involves a bit of role playing, so I hope you're not too proud (which I'm guessing your not given the fact that you've openly admitted to this, eh, issue.) I'll break it into steps for easier reading in case symptoms of smoke inhalation have already set in:
1. Allow your husband to fall asleep as normal. Perhaps sniff around for any gas leaks. Just to be safe. Heh.
2. After he's clearly asleep, sneak off into the other room where you've previously stashed a SMOKEY THE BEAR COSTUME. (No, I don't have one you can borrow. Try eBay, alright?)
3. Stay the fuck awake. As in, fully conscious. Having young children helps with this part. I'll send you mine. They should be ok with a gas mask and a flashlight, right?
4. When you hear
5. When he's starting to walk away from the utterly dangerous, unattended piece of flame that will likely destroy all you've ever hoped or dreamed for, JUMP OUT AT HIM in your Smokey the Bear costume and SCARE THE SHIT out of him. Maybe say something like RAWRRR! or FREEZE BASTARD! or LOOK WHAT'S BECOME OF MEEEEE! for added effect. Based on my entirely scientific, authentic, undisputed knowledge as a
6. Now, I hear you protesting already. Some crap about NEVER WAKE A SLEEPWALKER! and HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THIS SCENE BELOW FROM STEP-BROTHERS?!
7. Well, yes, I have seen the movie, Sam, and I think it'll be a valuable tool for you here. To recap:
8. You have life insurance, right? Let us know how it goes! And hey, there's always marriage #2, right? I hear they're WAY BETTER.