Friday, September 3, 2010

These Are the People in Your Neighborhood


Well, about three days ago, and about a week after the runaway car, I was pulling into our development after having dropped the kids over at grandma's house.  As soon as I made the first turn onto a parallel street, I was met with the flashing lights of police cars and a tow truck, all present presumably to deal with a certain pick-up truck.  A pick-up truck that was parked on a neighbor's front porch.


...What the fuuuuhhh...? I mean, amirite?!  A dude! On a porch! In his truck! Throw in some funnel cakes and we've got ourselves a party!

Now, I immediately assumed that the guy had been drunk. But then I glanced at the clock; it was 11:00 am, people. Sure, this is a military community, but it WAS a workday. Even these guys have standards. (Mostly.)

Naturally, I wanted more details, so I changed my route back to the house so I could do a slow-mo drive by, my head turned to look out my side window, eyes wide, brows furrowed, and mouth in a perma-state of What the fuuuuuhhh...? Not surprisingly, I had to navigate my way through a crowd of stay-at-home mothers who had the same idea and therefore lugged their children, pets, and coffees outdoors to stare at the remnants of this sad display of life.  It was way exciting.

By the time I parked in my driveway around the corner, I had pulled out my phone to contact the local gossipgirl.  She had no further details. Worthless.  Another neighbor didn't even know it had occurred.  GREAT.  Now I was up to my own devices.  I texted my husband, but he was all, "I'M FLYING AN AIRPLANE, WOMAN" so I had to strike him off the list as well.
Eventually, I made my way over to the mailbox to kill time and try to steal more glances of the excitement sad disaster. There I happened to stumble upon one of the ladies from the front office. 

SCORE.

Okay, so, long-story-short (ish), this guy was not dead, no one had been hurt, and maybe a street sign was lost in the debacle... (At this point, I was all, yeahyeahyeah lady, GET TO THE GOOD STUFF.)  But the dude driving?  Big trouble.  Big, big trouble.  He crashed?  Because he was, ah, under the influence. Of, ahhm, inhalants.  How scandalous!

Now, let's cut back to present day.  I'll have you know that when this first happened, I didn't plan on sharing the story on my blog.  There's just not that much funny here, I thought. 

...

...

...

Yeah...well...I guess, there's still not that much funny here, is there?

Well, REGARDLESS.

Just forget about all that now because the POINT here is that I THINK that this whole thing is somehow related to my YOUR CAAAAHHHHHR! moment last week.  I mean, a runaway car (kinda) AND a truck on a porch?  The coincidence is too much, I tell you.  It was a premonition, or whathaveyou.  Like, someone was SENDING ME A SIGN.

What do you think?

I'm not sure what to do with this new-found clairvoyance, but I plan to spend the rest of the weekend honing in on the signs.  There does appear to be a slight discrepancy.  For example:

1. Me sensing a car is rolling away = man huffing computer gadgetry and crashing, safely (minus a street sign), into a neighbor's porch.

You see? It's not exactly spot-on.  I just have to figure out the mathematical translation formula.  Like, just now? I thought my kid was writing on the wall because of this godawful SSSCCCTTHHHSSCCCHHHHTTCCCHHHSSS sound coming from the other room. But, in REALITY, it was the stupid cat scratching at the bedroom door. Somebody locked him in there last night.  I think it was last night, at least.

But ANYWAY, considering the variables (coloring, child, cat, locked door) this might translate into:

1. My cat is one of those prodigy felines and I need to buy him a beret and watercolors STAT.
2. My kids should be locked in the bedroom.
3. I have no right being in charge of cats, let alone young children.

Like I said, I'm still figuring this shit out.


49 comments:

  1. cat nails on wall is the worst sound i've heard. i have a kitteh who delights in scratching on the walls when we don't get her food down fast enough. or when we're not paying enough attention to her. or when she wakes up from a short nap. or when mars enters libra. pretty much when ever the fuck she feels like it.

    you should use your new-found clairvoyance ONLY for good though. karma is a bitch.

    http://justanotherwastedday.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  2. ok so this doesnt have anything to do with the post but i just noticed on your sidebar the headline for the comment stream is "speak into the microphone" which had me rolling. im not sure if its coincidence or not but i remember hearing that phrase COUNTLESS times at BlogHer from irritated women who couldn't understand a persons inability to speak properly into the mic when posing a question to the panel. maybe it was the same woman everytime but i dont think so. bitches got ANGRY about proper mic handling. yet another reason why BlogHer scares the bejesus out of me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ahahahaha *sigh* i love your blog :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. ^^
    I liked your blog!!! And it was sorta funny =)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love how you painted such a great picture. I felt like I was sitting in the car with you while you surveyed the situation. Fantastic! And thank you..I laughed out loud! Awesome! I'll definitely be back!

    http://cinderitaadventures.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  6. Holy crap, Kristine- 563 followers? What the hell have you been doing since I've been away?

    ReplyDelete
  7. steph: Cats are a motherfucker.

    steff: HA! YES! I was in two sessions where it started to get unruly. WE CAN'T HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW. YOU HAVE TO EAT THE MICROPHONE. So funny.

    Tara: Aww, and I love YOU. Unless that's weird. Is that weird?

    lulu: Sorta? I'll TAKE IT.

    Cinderita: I paid attention in kindergarten.

    ReplyDelete
  8. BENNY! Jesus, where have you BEEN.

    I've been...ahem...working things. Clearly.

    ReplyDelete
  9. the picture is stellar for sure. particularly the hot black cop. is he black? he looks blacks. whatever.

    i wish someone would lock me in my bedroom.

    ReplyDelete
  10. All cats should wear berets. Just sayin.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hilarious. I wish my neighborhood was that exciting. Also, thank you...I have had that stupid song stuck in my head all day. :-P

    ReplyDelete
  12. This is all very complicated, but it's obvious that everything you mentioned is connected in a mysterious way. Your life is like every episode of Lost that I never understood.

    ReplyDelete
  13. AWESOME POST! I think your blog ROCKS!!

    Steve
    Common Cents
    http://www.commoncts.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. Nice blog and cool post. Congrats on the blog of note status! :D

    If you're interested, this is mine: http://thestoriesofwhitegloves.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  15. okay, from this day forward, when the children - or the husband for that matter - wants something from me LIKE NOW when I am clearly doing something (and yes, reading my twitter stream is something!) I'm gonna yell "I'M FLYING AN AIRPLANE, WOMAN!" Sure, they won't get it, but I'll probably snort with laughter. so there's that.

    ReplyDelete
  16. The house I live in was hit by cars two different times within a couple years before I moved in... not sure if they were drunk or just plain stupid.

    Fortunately nothing as exciting as that has happened in the 4 years I have lived here... but I'm always ready to duck and cover just to be safe!

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  17. another great post i love your blog. makes my day :)

    http://becca-mycrazystuff.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  18. Omg, you are much too funny! Maybe YOU should be locked in a room. OR...maybe you ARE locked in a room and THAT'S why you're so funny!!! Wait, no, if you were locked in a room, you wouldn't have seen the truck on the porch. Oh well. Anyway, love your blog!!!

    glitterfrog.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ok, I found you on blogs of note (yay!!), so I'm gonna follow 'cause I think you're funny, don't let me down now, God knows I need a laugh....I'm a school teacher....

    Check out my blog
    http://alexsblogginglife.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  20. I had fun reading your posts..... Thanks. And I like your skin......have you modified it? Congrats on your bon status. Please send me your autograph ;-)

    Chris.

    ReplyDelete
  21. You are hill air eeee us! I'm a follower!

    ReplyDelete
  22. If I pick up some Wendy's drive through, will you keep telling me funny stories?

    ReplyDelete
  23. What the hell have you been huffing, girl? Cat scratching = child drawing? This, of course, coming from the girl (moi) who concludes that the fwup, fwup of the ceiling fan in the bedroom means that it is moments away from flying off of whatever holds it to the ceiling and chopping her up into bloody bits. Which is why I can't sleep at night. Well, that and the cricket I am convinced lives in the central air system. Whatever. As always, you rock. Congrats on the Blog of Note and the new followers. I love that I can say,I knew here back when. Or something like that.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I wonder when inhalants will be the "in" drug.
    They're like PCP, all you ever hear are bad stories. No one's like, "I had this great time on PCP last night." It's always more like, "I vomited in a baby carriage and then stabbed a cop."

    No fun. The sun will go out. Mayonnaise in a bottle. Confessions of a fatty. All on my blog:

    iamyourblog.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  25. Heh heh. I like you. Neighbour. Mr. Rogers really made that word sound dirty. You know who would be great to play him in a movie? Steve Carell. I don't know why I just thought of that. Anyway, I read some of your posts. But I'm being efficient (read: lazy) and posting one comment here. You are a funny chick. See ya 'round the 'hood!

    mizdinah.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  26. hey! i have just discovered your blog in my blogs of note section. lovely blog & funny thoughts:o)

    http://livingthroughthespiritofmydreams.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  27. Just found you and have fallen head over heels in love - will you marry me?
    If you lived in my neighborhood it would be wayyyy less scandalous, my closest neighbor is the cow out back that tends to poop a lot and stink really bad. I've tried to evict him but he will. not. go. away.

    ReplyDelete
  28. That's not a crime.

    That's a remodel.

    ReplyDelete
  29. nawww... it's not THAT weird...

    haha :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. Inhalants while driving!?!

    That's the best idea ever.

    3-year-olds fighting in the backseat over an imaginary toy? *puff, puff*

    Tractor trailer tailgating you? *huff, huff*

    Really, it's genius.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Hi Kristine. :)
    I stumbled upon your blog through blogs of note and enjoyed your post immensely! It made me smile & lol which is VERY GOOD medicine for me. Much better than the actual meds I'm on! LOL'n
    You're a wonderful storyteller with vivid pictures! :)

    ReplyDelete
  32. This is the method/format of humor I aspire to achieve!
    A wonderful telling of collision of events, occurances, and epiphany. :D

    And I love the van.


    http://becausefishdanceonshootingstars.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  33. She had no further details. Worthless- pffffffheheheheh...I say that all the time to my boxer when he won't move out of my way when i'm backing out of the driveway. He never knows any details either...worthless.

    ReplyDelete
  34. There were some fantastic changes of direction in that post. I'm not sure I kept up. In fact, I might have driven into a porch.

    ReplyDelete
  35. seriously lady...you are hilarious!! I was in a constant state of what the fuuuuhhh while reading!

    ReplyDelete
  36. fuh.. wut ahha

    gigefrog.blogspot.com

    SRS SH#T FO REAL ABB M&*$@FUCG(!

    ReplyDelete
  37. These things happen :) I like your blog alot,well done!

    ReplyDelete
  38. I'm going to have to start wearing protection for adults when I read your posts. No matter how prepared I am, I end up on the verge of leakage. Your writing is fabulous. Keep her coming.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I’d have to say that it was a sign! I do believe that some people can sense other things that are going on around them. The best part of it is when everything starts to come true and you get the eerie tingles on the back of your neck and goosebumbs; and even a little knot in your stomach sometimes. I’d say to stick with it and be sure to post any other type of premonitions. You sure do have a great way of explaining your stories to where some people can relate to them. It really keeps the reader interested!

    ReplyDelete
  40. *lol* thx 4 sharing, and yep, it's blog worthy! you should become a private eye, and... keep us posted!

    ReplyDelete
  41. well this news is more intresting than whats been going on here

    ReplyDelete
  42. I lol'd at the last part of your post - seeing as how I didn't remember your other post about a car rolling away on it's own, I was in a state of confusion, but quickly brought up to speed.

    Browsing around looking for some good (new to me) blogs, and found yours funny. Can't wait to read more.

    Feel to check mine out - but it isn't half as funny as yours - more serious. http://lookingforloveinla.blogspot.com

    Thnx!

    ReplyDelete
  43. I’d have to say that it was a sign! I do believe that some people can sense other things that are going on around them. The best part of it is when everything starts to come true and you get the eerie tingles on the back of your neck and goosebumbs; and even a little knot in your stomach sometimes. I’d say to stick with it and be sure to post any other type of premonitions. You sure do have a great way of explaining your stories to where some people can relate to them. It really keeps the reader interested!

    ReplyDelete
  44. fuh.. wut ahha

    gigefrog.blogspot.com

    SRS SH#T FO REAL ABB M&*$@FUCG(!

    ReplyDelete