Friday, September 24, 2010

Strike That

It may come as no surprise to hear that I have self-image issues. I deflect compliments, avoid flashy clothing, and more or less cry myself to sleep in a puddle of mascara on a regular basis. Totally unoriginal, I know. But still. And as much as I love my glasses (eyesight! I haz it!), they often draw much more attention than I'm comfortable with.

Take for example, a few years back. For a while I was especially irked by my MINOR resemblance to Lisa Loeb. Rather, I was irked by those who chose to point it out. Because I didn't in fact look like her. It was just THE GLASSES. I suppose you're going to tell me that all myopic people LOOK THE SAME?! Rascists.

Anyway, about five years ago, on my old blog, I posted this as visual evidence of my anti-Loeb manifesto in an effort to put this unwarranted fuss to bed. I would bare my face for the world if you would JUST SHUT UP ALREADY. I used letters to highlight how our features are in fact, not very similar at all and maybe even through up a graph or two for good measure.


Circa 2005

In the end, it all kinda backfired and one of my husband's acquaintances still refers to me as Lisa. Dick.

Now let's cut to present day. After recently watching an especially horrid M. Night. Shyamalan movie, I was informed by none other than Mark Wahlberg that our features NEVER STOP GROWING. As in, our noses get longer, chins broader, ears...hairier (?) as we age.

(What? It's in a movie! A MARKY MARK movie, no less! Plus, Hollywood never lies.)

And now, years after the Lisa Debacle of '05, I realized that my struggle has only just begun. Because as I sat there before my television screen, noting the boom mics appearing in nearly every frame (really, Shyamalan?) and picking stray popcorn out of my crotch, I started thinking about how, COME TO THINK OF IT, my nose IS seemingly pointier these days and that chin IS so goddamn ANGULAR and OHMYGODOHMYGOD:

Circa half-way through The Happening

Forget my mother. I've become fucking Spiderus. I think I'll need a moment.

33 comments:

  1. I used to hear how I resembled Tom Selleck. Why this bothered my enough to get rid of my mustache isn't even clear to me to this day. ;) But I did.

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  2. I avoid cameras like the plague. Sure it may be nice to have photographic proof of my life but I don't want to see photographic proof that I am getting old! Especially if my features are growing...??? creepy!

    If I were to ever go missing or get kidnapped and they had to put my photo on the news my family would probably have to put a little league photo of me up there with a message...

    "imagine this guy, but a little taller, a little thicker, a little less hair and generally much more of a smart ass."

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

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  3. That's exactly it! You captured it. I know I've become pointier and more angular and I thought it was Jay Leno I was morphing into.

    I'm much happier feeling it's Spiderus.

    You are hilarous.

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  4. Does EVERYTHING! keep growing? Bonus!!!

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  5. this made me laugh :)

    everyone always tells me I look like someone or other. i must just have one of "those" faces. you know, that reminds "them" of "someone." sometimes it's nicole kidman, sometimes charlize theron, sometimes it's their 2nd cousin once removed (for the record, i do NOT look like nicole or charlize). if you ever want to be INconspicuous in an airport, do NOT wear sweats, sunglasses, and carry a guitar case.

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  6. Spiderus is described as "somewhat sulky and overly touchy" ...least there's no correlation as far as personalities go! great post!

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  7. This makes me laugh because I was just freaking out a couple days ago that my nose seems pointier than it used to be. : ) Love it!

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  8. I love how you liken your future appearance to a character from Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends. I seriously doubt you'll end up looking like Spiderus.

    P.S. I didn't have to look up where Spiderus was from. I knew that already...and I don't have children to use as an excuse...how sad is that? lol.

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  9. You should meet my wife. She edits out her wrinkles in all her scrap book photos and leaves every one else to age naturally. I'm not complaining. It's cheaper than a face lift.

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  10. Get contatct and avoid plastic surgeons, that way you don't get the plastic like, i.e. Spiderus.

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  11. As far as I can tell, you don't look anything like Spiderus. So no worries. Besides, that cartoon is creepy...

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  12. Only very bad people have evergrowing facial extremities - you're too cool and funny to be bad. You win!

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  13. Wow. Is it sad that I recognize Spiderus in the last pic? LOL! I agree w/Amber - that cartoon - or at least that character is creepy.

    Ears and nose may continue to grow, but I think it's more noticeable on men than women - so maybe ppl will see it on your husband and not even notice on you. It's all about the angles anyway. . . so if you continue to take pics, just learn your angles - Hello. Lady Gaga does it (have you seen her side profile?!)

    http://lookingforloveinla.blogspot.com

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  14. You are too much, woman. I have been enjoying the hell out of your posts so I had to give you a shout in one of my posts today. I'm kinda just starting, but your pain has been an inspiration. LOL.. I also sent the Van a question.

    Krissy

    http://talkativetaurus.blogspot.com/

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  15. At least you get compared to an attractive celebrity. For the past dozen years or so, people have been confusing me for Nick Nolte's mugshot.

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  16. Lmao at what Don said!

    Oh...sorry, yeah I was commenting on your post, wasn't I??? You do NOT look like that thing. You look like Tina Fey. So there!

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  17. Wait until you're in a Dr's waiting room, for stress no less, and have a crazy man with magnifying glasses telling you you look ten years older than you are: http://diaryofellie.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-i-aged-10-years-in-30-minutes.html

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  18. Waterproof mascara is a myth.

    There's a man who comes into the shop that I work at and I always think he looks like William Shatner (but the poor version). I've come close, but now am quite pleased with self that I have never mentioned it.

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  19. i used to get scarlett johanssen. i wish i actually believed them.

    i also wish my blog was half as funny as yours. maybe one day. http://committedtoprimetime.blogspot.com/
    (shameless plug)

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  20. Why-oh-why would you ever watch an M. Knight Shamma-lamma-ding-dong movie? That hack makes my vomit-producing organs grow to epic proportions.

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  21. Looks HAWT to me.

    I love the nerdy brunette look.

    Lisa Loeb, Tiny Fey, Sarah Palin, etc.

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  22. Could be worse.

    In high school I bore a disturbing resemblence to Alyssia Milano. So I got a perm, and the resemblence, unfortunately, got worse.

    But you know, if you're any good at singing, part of your therapy may be to appear in public as a Lisa Loeb impersonator.

    "....You sayyyy I only hear what I wanna hear...."

    X-D
    Scratch

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  23. Eh, there are worst transformations. Spiderus has bitchin' eyebrows.

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  24. Let me just say, I stumbled on your blog this morning and it is so the find of the day! I am in love, keep it coming!

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  25. Dear Spidaris,
    Can I get your autograph for my son? He loves you!

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  26. I would gladly take being confused with Lisa Loeb over not being able to wear ANY eye wear. I look horrible in EVERY kind of glasses (every kind of glass?) Even though supposedly the new thing is to wear those librarian glasses and every girl is instantly a sexpot. Well, not me. So I just say consider yourself lucky that you can pull off glasses so nicely. Jealous!

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  27. I keep finding single very long white hairs growing from my ears, its very strange but the temptation to pull them out is too much to resist.

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  28. you had me at marky mark. he's a goddam medical genius and don't you ever question his intelligence. :::drool:::

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  29. you had me at marky mark. he's a goddam medical genius and don't you ever question his intelligence. :::drool:::

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  30. Let me just say, I stumbled on your blog this morning and it is so the find of the day! I am in love, keep it coming!

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  31. Looks HAWT to me.

    I love the nerdy brunette look.

    Lisa Loeb, Tiny Fey, Sarah Palin, etc.

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  32. At least you get compared to an attractive celebrity. For the past dozen years or so, people have been confusing me for Nick Nolte's mugshot.

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  33. I love how you liken your future appearance to a character from Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends. I seriously doubt you'll end up looking like Spiderus.

    P.S. I didn't have to look up where Spiderus was from. I knew that already...and I don't have children to use as an excuse...how sad is that? lol.

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