Friday, September 17, 2010

The Search is Over*

Ok, so here's the thing. I don't have much of a story going on in my head to share with you. There's that. Also, I haven't received one dang question for my Ask the Van series. So, there's THAT. Furthermore, I...well, I suppose that's it. Just those two things.

So this is me, improvising. It's not pretty, I'll warn you.


I was looking through my stats the other day because I like to see who's reading so that I can return the favor. Also, I find charts to be soothing.

But then I took a look at the search terms section. For those just joining that game, this is the section of google's free analytic tracking device that let's you know which search terms landed people on your blog. I'm not convinced it isn't also some kind of hacking software in the style of Girl With a Dragon Tattoo, but that's just because I'm not in touch with reality.

Anyway, what follows is some of the most entertaining or bizarre terms. And in an effort to make all my readers happy, even those who probably land on my blog for the wrong reason and quickly scurry away with their eyes wide and hands over their mouths, I'm offering some information that might put that searching to rest. Call me the Locator if you wish. For inappropriate things.

1. What is a twut?

Well, I'm afraid we might need to have a bit of a Latin lesson here before we proceed. Now, I'm no MJenks, but I think I remember a few things from the 10th grade. Are you familiar with the term conjugation? It's kind of like coagulation, but has very little to do with blood. Or fluids, for that matter. You with me?

Ok, next, let's look at an example of conjugation:

qui, quae, quod
quibus, quibus, quibus
quorum, quarum, quorum,
twit, twat, twut

You see? Well, sure it doesn't exactly give you a definition, but Latin is a dead language and no one will really know what you're talking about when you drop it in casual conversation. They'll just assume you're a Rhodes Scholar with a PhD. Trust me.

2. "house hunters" douchebags

Heh, well, this isn't as much as an inquiry as a statement, fella'. And I'd have to say, well, yes. Sometimes. My husband isn't particularly fond of this show either. The international one is especially irksome. It's like do you really HAVE TO flaunt the fact that not only are you buying A SECOND HOME, but IN A TROPICAL ISLAND TO BOOT?! MOTHERFU--

[Adjusts collar, straightens shirt.] Let's move on, shall we?

3. stuff no one told me

Well, where to begin, where to begin...First, you have a piece of broccoli in your teeth, and I'm pretty sure it's been there since last night. It's up top, next to the big one. No, the other side. Yeah, right there! No, you didn't get it yet. Still there. Oh...yep! Got it.

Also, those pants DO make your ass look big. I'm sorry your wife feels too silly to tell you. It's all very awkward for everyone, so do be forgiving. Maybe some more lunges?

Ok, now see...I didn't mean to make you cry...I'm just trying to be honest. You did ask for this, you know. Alright, alright. Seriously, I don't do well with the boogery, crying thing. Here's a tissue. I think that's enough for now. Pull yourself together for chrissakes.

4. foppotee pronunciation


(Seriously? No one could bring themselves to tell me about the rat's nest in the back of my head?!)

5. funny word for pit stains

Listen, there's not much funny about pit stains, but I will tell you this. One time I washed my white t-shirt with a fushia colored moomoo dress (hey, they were IN STYLE, ok?) and of course the color faded even though I'd washed the damn dress like a hundred times already. And guess where the color faded TO?

That's right. The armpits. I have pink-tinged armpits. And that video above? That's the shirt, pink stains and all. Because when people see me on the street with my pink-stained pits, they're prolly gonna be all, wow, I bet she burps glitter and farts scratch-n-sniff stickers!

And, I do, kids. I certainly do.

6. what causes yellow sweat stains in socks

Ok, so we're still on the sweat stains, are we? I'm sure there's better use of my time, but I'll go ahead and humor you here.

You peed on your feet. Next time, take off your socks before you pee on your feet. At least then there won't be evidence. Also, I hear it's good for foot fungus.

7. why do I stain the pits of my shirts?

I'm not sure what the fascination with sweat is here, but I think I've had just about enough. Wise asses.


Care to share any of your search terms? Let me know your gems in the comments below. OR, if you want to post about them on your blog, come back here and add your name to the list! This post will be up over the weekend, so come back tomorrow or something if you feel rushed. It's not like I'm pressuring you or anything.


(And to clarify, because I'm not so great with English sometimes, the idea is to put your name on the link list if you've posted your search terms on your blog. I don't want to bog the list down with dead ends is all. But maybe that's me. Being neurotic. In fact, I'm sure of it. But really, don't you want to make friends? OH MY GOD SOMEONE SHUT ME UP.)


*You were with me all the while.


  1. Your last line is awesome - when i saw the post title I immediately started singing the Survivor song but thought it'd be the only geek.

    Once I get home from work and out from under the suspicious eye of 'The Man' I will indeed look up my search terms. And I understand Twut perfectly well. In an effort to avoid using the wrong tense in my verbs I usually just throw them all out there every time..

    i.e. "I writ, wrat, wrote a new blog post last night."

    Does it make me look stupid? No.. I think it makes me look well prepared.


  2. Super :-)

    Im so glad blogs of note got their shizz together and featured you! I know everyone hates a kiss ass ( particularly in blog land!!) but you are brilliant and your blog always makes me laugh! Your closings are always epic, i agree with simple-dude etc above :-D loved the Fhuck one too..

    someone give this woman a tv show allready...!


  3. My big search term is "how to fold towels" because my husband doesn't know how to fold a towel (seriously).

    The second is "Shaun Cassidy". You do one post on a 70's icon and poof! You pop up in google as a search item.

  4. My 3 number one favourite search terms for my blog were:

    1. shress - this is a dress so short it might as well be a shirt. I love it because it brings loads of traffic to my blog.

    2. white tights male dancers - I feel like someone was looking for something illicit and sorta kinky. Instead they got the oversexed ramblings of a girl who couldn't stop looking at the bulges in the male dancers' tights at a performance of The Nutcracker.

    3. "why did people use to ware capes" - this searcher was so upset at finding my blog instead of the answer that he commented, calling me a talkin' ass bitch. Hilarious.

  5. Just to clarify, guys...the idea is to put your name on the list ONLY if you've posted ON YOUR BLOG. Miss T? You'll need to retake this exam. Don't make me flunk you.

  6. SD: I like the way you think, sir. And sing.

    ruairi: Has anyone ever told you how intelligent and insightful you are? Because really...(Want to come over and be my new best friend?)

    Kelley: That's why my American Idol post is so popular, I think. Just random google hits. Because it's actually not a very good post at all. It's embarrassing, really.

    MissT: See, shress sounds so close to stress that it makes me anxious. But that seems in alignment with how I'd feel wearing a short dress. Well done! I've yet to get an angry comment around here. I feel it coming, though...

  7. Dear Miss Van,

    I misunderstood the instructions. I would like to take advantage of the retest option, or submit something for extra credit. Check my blog again, please?

    Miss T

  8. Lovely, T: You get a hundred thousand percent with some scratch-and-sniff stickers that I may or may not have farted outta mah butt. Wanna hand back these papers for me?

  9. I don't know if this is cheating or not, but I just did a post last week on the random google search that brought in a reader from Russia. It was a big day for me. I'll put the link for that specific tale and just hope that I'm not making an ass of myself.

  10. Alicia: Man, I'm an idiot. I feel like I've done an excellent job of terrifying my readers. There is no cheating! Link away!

  11. WhoopWhoop...that's me being really excited. I posted about this...must say that I didn't have quite the searches that you had but I had fun...Love your blog!

  12. Mine are all pretty boring, which may reflect the status of my blog. Clearly I need to start throwning some random terms into my posts to attract more traffic. Top search term is "mud volleyball". Other terms were "capital city century", "Hannibal mud volleyball", "mom group Katy trail" (though I am not and never have been a part of any mom group until "spending summer vacation with my kids makes me drink" recruits me), "tuscola mud volleyball" (clicking on which would inflict upon them a picture of skinny boys playing volleyball in patriotic thongs), and "what's on my mind". Also notable are the misspelled search terms: "tuscola mud voleyball" and "bile kity trail" (not an area I would frequent).

    And I wasn't going to blog about that, but now that I've started writing about it, I think I will. But not til I get home. So don't think of this link as breaking the rules. Think of it more as me turning in my homework before it's completed. And in the meantime, between all your pit stains and my mud volleyball, perhaps we should swap laundry tips. Over margaritas. Wearing the new club tshirts.

  13. Crap. Or CRAAAAHHP. I made excuses for shamelessly plugging myself (ew, that sounds dirty) and then forgot to.

  14. Kristine: You don't scare me! And I mean that in an "I wasn't worried that you'd give me a lashing with ALL! CAPITALIZED! ANGRY! WORDS!"

    I'm not implying that you couldn't hold your own though, because you seem like you'd be quite scrappy. Actually, if we were in some blogger civil war or a death match of bloggers versus weathermen or something I would totally try to recruit you to be on my side of the battle.

    I'm just a stickler for the rules.

  15. You apparently attract a lot of stain traffic, huh? Strange.

  16. The only thing I get searches on is "lice photos." Yep. When people have the itch, they come to me to figure out what to scratch.

  17. I haven't been blogging long enough for the weird search terms. But after reading this I'll be looking them up in the future. Great read, I'll have to pop back in here again.

  18. Lucky #3. Love your blog...particularly the sarcasm and cursing!

  19. I'd like to play, but it's been proven that I'm too stupid to use Google Analytics. Plus I'm a little scared to paste new html code into my blog. If I mess it up, the world will disappear. I don't want to be responsible for that.

  20. "why do I stain the pits of my shirts?"

    OMG I am crying from laughing - and the tears are staining my shirt. Thank you for making me feel more human.

    This is a term that someone used which landed them on my blog:

    Dog fur yarn

    Uh, gross.

  21. I've only had two hits from search terms... the first was the phrase "in those conditions" and the second was "the human my latest gentleman"...
    Weird phrases to google, but anywho...
    Hope you had a great weekend!

  22. Awesome song, BTW. :)

    I signed up for the search thing, somehow my results will be all that interesting. Unless someone types in "dog snot", "Sailor Moon Dolls" or "Polydactylism" I doubt my name will come up at all. ;)

    "....when I look into your eyes, I can see forevvvvver...."

    ::ducks books thrown by other computer users at the library.......:::

  23. I have only recently started blogging on Blogger but I used to have a site quite a while ago and I used to do regular blog updates of my odd Google hits. My favorite was "Hot Granny web-cam" and for obvious reasons it also the one I find the most disturbing...I still can't believe people actually want to look something like that up! ...and hopefully those freaks weren't my regular readers ;)

  24. "why do I stain the pits of my shirts?"

    OMG I am crying from laughing - and the tears are staining my shirt. Thank you for making me feel more human.

    This is a term that someone used which landed them on my blog:

    Dog fur yarn

    Uh, gross.

  25. I haven't been blogging long enough for the weird search terms. But after reading this I'll be looking them up in the future. Great read, I'll have to pop back in here again.

  26. WhoopWhoop...that's me being really excited. I posted about this...must say that I didn't have quite the searches that you had but I had fun...Love your blog!