Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Say it With Me: FUHCK

I know you might have a hard time believing this, guys, but I think I made myself a shiny new friend.  She moved into the neighborhood with her family a week or so ago. It just so happened that her and her girls and me and my boys were at the swings one day at the same time.

And by some stroke of wild luck, and probably heavenly intervention, I managed not to make an ass of myself.  That day, anyway.

Ahem.

A few play dates later (hoo-boy), she invited the whole family over to her house for pizza night.  Sure! I'll bring the salad! And some caffeine-free soda!  And, maybe even some brownies!  Of COURSE they're from scratch!

And, it was so.

Unfortunately, however, the husband got a bit held up at work.  Which meant I'd have to go over there.  Alone.  After a serious pep talk with the mirror including things like, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, WOMAN and maybe some slapping that was surprisingly painful, I lugged myself and the boys over a little early, hoping that he'd join us soon thereafter.  I may or may not have sent some frantic texts (Listen, I know you're in an airplane, but they've got a big back yard...I'll get some flashlights.) along the way.  Even then, after such a social snafu, there was only the occasional awkward silence and inappropriate yawn. On my part. Making salad is hard.

I'm not gonna lie, getting this far without an inappropriate utterance, gesture, or bodily function? I was kind of waiting for lighting to strike me dead. Maybe a froggie rainstorm or something.

After stalling for my husband long enough (I SAID LAND THE DAMN PLANE! They have PARACHUTES, right?!), we set the kids up on the back porch to dig into their dinner without too much assault on the beige carpeting.  At one point, my friend's husband went outside to check on the kids and make some smalltalk.  Start 'em young, is what I say.

He turns to T9 (aged practicallytwo), my youngest.

Neighbor: How's that food, little guy?

T9: Yep!

Neighbor: Good, huh?

T9: Dah-dee?

Neighbor: No, he's not here yet...but soon!

T9: FUHCK.

...aaaaahhhnd, record scratch.

Now, I didn't hear all this as it happened, so the neighbor politely wound up the smalltalk with my son and meandered indoors for a polite inquisition.

Neighbor: Ah, is he trying to say...uhm...I can't tell...that word he just said...

I knew before he needed to add further detail.  This new word of his had just presented itself about a week ago.

Me: OH. Did it sound like...um...?  It was probably sock.  Or fork.  Was he trying to say fork? Good lord, it sounds just like, well, you know..

Neighbor: Yeah! Clear as a bell!  [To his wife.] You gotta come hear this!

Me: Heh...yeah, well, it's...

Neighbor: [To T9] Whatchyou got there, little guy? Is that a fork?

T9: 'POON.

Me: Oh, yeah, well sometimes it's a spoon, I suppose...heh...

At this point, I was starting to get scratchy because, OH HAI ANXIETY HIVES!  (Abort mission! Abort mission! Red alert! Sky out!) The neighbor began to add some details, seemingly desperate to make sense of this corrupted, cursing little child.  It was then that my eyes get wide with recognition.

Me: OHH! He was saying TRUCK!  Anytime you ask him if his dad's at work, he invariably says TRUCK right after that. 'Cuz he knows he drives a truck. Like, to work.  Then he usually says RUHN because he knows his dad goes for...no, really...I'm not sure exactly where it came from....but, you know...uhm...[SCRATCHSCRATHSCRATCH-HIVESHIVESHIVES]

Neighbor: [Unconvinced.] Ohhh.

And, well, yeah, OF COURSE it doesn't make any sense!  HE'S PRACTICALLYTWO.

It didn't help when, later that evening, T9 picked up a plastic golf club and smacked the screen of the dude's plasma TV. Twice.



Fuhck indeed, little boy.

35 comments:

  1. at least it wasn't "f*ck me". My kid likes to say that.

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  2. leave it to our children to always speak their minds.

    True intelligence comes from knowing how stupid you really are.

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  3. OMG! Haha I love it. Kids are so innocently inappropriate sometimes, aren't they? And you...I loved "Making salad is hard". I so agree! LOL

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  4. It's alright. My wife taught my son the same turn of phrase. Except she taught him the gerundive form.

    See what I did there? Gave you an excuse to flaunt your MASTERS for everyone to see!

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  5. I got lucky...when my daughter was that age, she only used her, umm..."special" words on me. Usually she called me "mean ol' bitch" when I made her go to bed!

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  6. mom taught us at a young age that there was talk for our house and talk for grandma's house. sure, i could say 'hell' at the dinner table. if grandma caught me saying it, i'd probably be drawn and quartered.

    personally, i think children cursing is adorable. i don't have any of my own, though. i have cats.

    of course, if - AND WHEN - i teach my cats to curse, i'll have mega famosity and may or may not be able to take over the world with them.

    http://justanotherwastedday.blogspot.com/

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  7. My brother (being a whole 11 months older than me) liked to make me his parrot when we were little. He'd say "Say mommy" and I'd say "Mommy," etc. One day we were out somewhere, at the park or somewhere, and apparently - I'm too young to remember, or else I blocked it out - he came running to my mom screaming at the top of his lungs, "Mommy! Mommy! Allison said SHIT!!!" Everyone within a 2-mile radius heard him (and stopped to laugh, I'm sure). She was mortified. This was the early 80's too...extremely socially unacceptable. ;-) Oh well. He told me to. I think in the end, HE was the one who got the spanking.

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  8. I shudder when I think of all the things my children will probably say...me and the boyfriend don't have the cleanest language, and we're not always careful about when we say things. At least his niece hasn't picked anything up yet...

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  9. Kids I tell you!! Too funny...so glad I found this blog!!! Perfect morning reading

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  10. See? This. THIS right here is why I am forever devoted to you.

    I rarely laugh out loud when I read blog posts, even funny ones. But this one got me. Laughing. Out loud. I'm not kidding. This was a killer entry.

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  11. BAh HaAhahaA! Thank you for giving me a needed guffaw for the day! I was hoping the FUHCK would transition to a blossoming friendship between you all, but I think he sealed the deal with clubbing the plasma.

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  12. I shudder to think what my kids are gonna say if they ever decide to speak. Actually, they both say something that sounds a lot like "douche." It's either that or "durch," which means "through" in German. I definitely don't want strangers thinking we go around speaking German at home.

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  13. hahahaha gotta say that was funny but not for a mom i guess......oops!!

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  14. It's a dog eat dog world. Curse or be cursed at. Your little guy's gonna be just fine...

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  15. you are my new hero because i wouldn't have even allowed either one of my children (2&3, yeah I'm an idiot at birth control)to handle a "fuhck" at the neighbors...i bow to you

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  16. Hilarious! Little Mr. T started saying something very similar the other day. Luckily it was just me and Gator Guy!! Hopefully you took enough embarrassment for all of us :)

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  17. ya know...if they don't love you for your cussing child and crude comments...then THEIR LOSS...cause in my house? You'd totally rock...and my six year old (who knows better) would probably yell "what the fuhk" while he walks in the house mad at me. Seriously. Here, you'd be at home and TOTALLY welcomed. :D

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  18. Excellent story, you seem to get as nervous as I do when socializing.
    My daughter used to say, "I want some fucky-fried chicken!"

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  19. I do the exact same pep talk when I'm forced to head out into social situations without significant others. You will NOT embarrass yourself. You will be charming. They will love you. You will not trip and fall with legs splayed on the kitchen tile THE ONE DAY you happen to be wearing bright red underwear.

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  20. I'm storing this right next to "Mommy, why is that man so fat?" and "I said I want an f'ing cheeseburger" to the waitress. O.O

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  21. That's freaking awesome!!!
    My boyfriend's kids (4 of them under 7years) have an array of colourful language which they use to specifically wind people up...
    Dunno where they've learnt it!!!
    "Daddy, you're a f***ing c***. Mummy says so", was a particular highlight!

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  22. They always go for the plasma tvs -- always! It's like Murphy's Law for mortified moms.

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  23. Two is a good age for the word FUHK, I guess. When my oldest was two she toddled down the hall to join us in the living/dining area. I heard her say fuhk, plain as day, and stunned, I quickly asker her, "what did you say?" to which she replied just as quick, "I said frog"...Frog, also spoken clear as a bell and which also sounded nothing like the previous word uttered. They're quick on the cover up, I'll give 'em that.

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  24. AH AH what a crack up. I could almost picture you trying to cover up your kid's spontaneous expressions, but was that what he said when he found out his name was T-9? Maybe I'm missing a piece of the puzzle, or those brownies you ate were really from SCRATCH....
    Keep it coming...

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  25. My brother used to say fruck but the r was barely distinguishable. He was only practicallytwo as well. I think it's cute.

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  26. HA!!! THIS IS EPIC löl !!!

    I have heard a few cases of babys breaking tv screens, onece with hammer...it must be the facination with the moving picture...or their desire to make the parents life hell...!!

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  27. charming account ...but who makes brownies from scratch?!

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  28. i don't even have kids yet and already i have dread for the forced socialization requirements of playdates.
    i bow down to you and your great strength in such dreaded situations.
    you can do it! fuhck yeah!

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  29. At that age my son's two favorite words were truck and ship. I'll let you translate those into toddler.

    Salad is hard, play dates are harder.

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  30. Holy crap, you guys are cracking me up in these comments. I'd reply to each of you, but I waited too long, and I'm lazy.
    xo

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  31. oh boy your gonna have to start teaching him thats not an appropriate word to say while hes still little.but thats up to you to teach him that

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  32. Hilarious! Little Mr. T started saying something very similar the other day. Luckily it was just me and Gator Guy!! Hopefully you took enough embarrassment for all of us :)

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  33. hahahaha gotta say that was funny but not for a mom i guess......oops!!

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  34. It's alright. My wife taught my son the same turn of phrase. Except she taught him the gerundive form.

    See what I did there? Gave you an excuse to flaunt your MASTERS for everyone to see!

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