Tuesday, September 28, 2010

On Why I Try to Limit My Shopping Expenditures

So, my husband and I have this yearly event we attend for his job. I suppose it's technically a "ball" since it's in the damn title, but there have been years when it seems like more of a glorified dinner party. It is for this reason that I tend to interpret the dress code loosely.  Well, that and because I'm kind of a punk.  Just ask my husband.

And as if the universe were trying to help me learn this lesson, the following events occurred the other day when I went shopping for this year's dress.

::cue Twilight music::

My SNF (shiny new friend) and I started off at some local consignment shops. Because we're thrifty.  And broke.  I picked out a few numbers with beads and a retro feel while SNF grabbed some more formal, long gowns.

She went first and I offered my obligatory praise and reassurance of proportionate butt and breast sizes. When I entered the dressing room, I already had a favorite: this flapper-esque black and gold beaded number. Clearly more appropriate for a night out in the city. For socialites. With toned bodies.  You see where I'm going with this, I presume.

But by the time I emerged wearing the dress, I had already pretty much decided I WANTED it. And OHEMGEE it's HELLA CUTE.  MINEMINEMINE.  And can't you just picture it with TALL BLACK HEELS?! And, no, of COURSE I cannot walk well in heels, silly! But it will look SO GOOOOOD!

After snapping out of my dressing room reverie, I asked SNF what she thought just to be safe. And to test her loyalty with mind bullets.

Me: Soooo, what do you think? [Then, quickly considering how awkward it'd be if she told me it sucked and I punched her right there in public]...I mean, I REALLY LOVE IT.

SNF: Yeah? [Sensing she may me in mortal danger, but unsure of my deranged eye twitching.]  You think it will work for the ball?

Me: Well, I mean, I never really get all that dressed up anyway... [Furrowing my brows more firmly.]

SNF: [Realizing I'm insane.] Then, I think it's great if you're not worried it will be too informal.

Me: But what about my boobs? There's not much structure up here. [Awkwardly sliding my bra down off my chest and around my waist, giving the appearance of odd stomach goiters.]  Do I look flat or manly?

SNF: [Looking somewhat frantic upon the realization that there is no right answer here.] ...

Me: ...

SNF: ...

Me: [Again, realizing I don't actually want to injure my friend.] Right, well, I guess I'll just go with the emaciated model thing. I'll just have to lose about 50 pounds in the rest of my body by November so it all matches.

SNF: [Unsure if I'm joking or serious, nervously laughs.] Hehe...

I quickly closed the door to change back into my clothes.  Suddenly having a bit of doubt, I first snap a picture of the dress with my phone to send it to my husband. Sexy, no? Then another text to clarify: I LOVE IT, OKAY? He doesn't respond, naturally, and I'm unsure if he's sleeping or devising an escape plan from our marriage.  I shrug this off and come out of the dressing room feeling victorious.  No sooner do I strike up a conversation with the shop owner, do I notice some odd marks on my t-shirt.

Me: What the...I think I have old candy or marker on my shirt...what is this red stuff?

Shop Owner: [Concerned grimmace.]

SNF: [Appearing suddenly mute after the dressing room experience.] ...

Me: Oh well.  So, I think I'm gonna take this....[Holding up the dress and noticing my bloody finger.] Oh, GROSS. It's frickin' blood. I cut my thumb in there!

I set the dress on the counter and inspected the damage. It was deep. And crusty. As if the very dress were trying to kill me itself. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the shop owner scan the dress for residual damage.  But I don't get too angry, because clearly it's a sign that THE DRESS WAS MEANT TO BE!

I mean...right?



But then the shop owner's foreboding comment falters my resolve.

Shop Owner: [Ringing up the purchase, speaking in a thick Eastern European accent.] You are brave woman to wear teenager dress!

Teenager?  This is a kid's dress?

I pay the woman and calculate the probability that I will actually be THAT GIRL at the ball this year. It's feeling kind of high at this point.  But I'm stubborn. My mind races with doubt and frustration. BUT THE DRESS IS CUTE GODDAMNIT. TIM GUNN WOULD LOVE THESE DETAILS. I AM A STRONG, CONFIDENT WOMAN. I CAN MAKE IT WORK! (??)

We drive home in silence with the haunted dress draped over the back seat.

After dropping off SNF, I walk through the door to see my husband sitting quietly in an armchair.  I approach him slowly, holding the dress up with an awkward smile.

Me: Did you get my text?

Him: ... [voice cracking] ...yes...

Me: ...

Him:  I didn't want you to get mad...but...

Me: ...

Him: I don't really like that dress.

Me: ...

Him: ...

Me: ...Yeah, I don't either...

19 comments:

  1. i, too, feel the need to run all clothing purchases past my husband. i routinely fall in love with things in the dressing room that i put on at home and then hate. and never wear again. and then sell on ebay, new with tags. so i make back, like, 20% of my outlay.

    which, you know, is not so good.

    http://justanotherwastedday.blogspot.com

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  2. Funny!

    I end up returning A LOT of stuff I buy because I try it on for my husband and he gives me "the look", like he wouldn't be caught dead with me in that outfit...

    http://andthenifoundtwentybucks.blogspot.com/

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  3. Oddly enough I like shopping more then my girlfriend. I am not a great shopper though - occasionally buying things I don't like 3 weeks later. But I am also cheap so I can't justify getting rid of something just because I don't like it. That equals a closet full of stuff I won't wear.

    Sigh... It's not easy being me.

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

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  4. I just don't show him a thing, they don't know what fashion is.

    And, mortifying about the murder dress,,,,it wanted to come home with you, I don't like that.

    Take care!

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  5. Obviously, the previous (teenaged)owner recognized its inherent danger and left it on the door of the consignment shop one night. Flee! Flee! (I live in a 'hood with a bunch of consignment shops and since I hate trying things on, I have to buy stuff, take it home, hate it and then go give it to a different consignment shop. It's taxing.)

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  6. Too funny! Your friend should have told you the truth, from across the room!

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  7. My husband is brutally honest. Which is why I don't care to hear his opinion. What does he know, anyway?

    On the other hand, clearly the universe...and shop owner...and friend...and dress...were trying to tell you something. But I think you can pull off most anything worn with enough confidence. Right?...I think...

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  8. You might want to destroy that dress, as it seems to be haunted. But maybe not till after the ball. First, post the photo you texted to your hubby. I have impeccable taste, and will tell you what you want to hear.

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  9. ARGHHH! Did my comment just get lost? Dammit. It was wise and pithy and it involved flinging finger blood everywhere AND there was a WEREWOLF in it.

    I'll never be able to recreate it. NEVER.

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  10. I have to admit I was expecting fireworks there at the end. I couldn't but laugh, out loud, and loudly. Thankfully I live alone and only I know how it sounded. :)

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  11. I hate shopping WITHOUT my husband. Who else will give me honest opinions? He knows how my butt looks at its worst and best. Still I cannot go on auto pilot. I do not want to repeat of the time I was super sleepy one morning and he dressed me in my sleep and I had to go out looking like Goth Hooker Barbie.

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  12. Now I just NEED to see that dress to get on with my day.... :D

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  13. I have problems with people trying to buy me clothes. While this is nice of them, they tend to think I'm smaller than I really am, and so I...ahm..stick out in places I'm not comfortable with. I mostly wear slightly baggy jeans and oversized shirts even though I'm only lke 115 lbs or so.... Nice, but let me buy my own stuff, TYVM.

    Scratch

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  14. My whole problem is that I don't have any SNF's to go shopping with...so I'm forced to make clothing decisions COMPLETELY ON MY OWN! That is some scary shit right there. A lot of times, what I think looks good and what society thinks looks good are two VERY different things. I'm always asking my younger sister for her opinion (she's almost 19.) Usually she gives me this look that says "If you leave the house wearing that, I am going to pretend I don't know you." But she's at college now, and only home on the weekends, when I'm not. And my boyfriend refuses to go shopping with me. I try to persuade him to come by telling him we'll have a quickie in the fitting room, but his ass-hole puckers at the thought of that much PDA, so it's a no-go. *sigh* So I know how you feel about that dress.

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  15. oh no! do you really hate the dress now? hopefully it wasnt TOO expensive and, worst case, you can use it as a costume or something*.

    *1920's boudoir roleplaying?

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  16. Doesn't sounds crazy. It sounds womenly. I guess that's the same thing though.

    I like the dress if that helps.

    But I also liked the PJ's you wore in your vlog.

    Maybe you could wear those and be really informal.

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  17. Obviously, the previous (teenaged)owner recognized its inherent danger and left it on the door of the consignment shop one night. Flee! Flee! (I live in a 'hood with a bunch of consignment shops and since I hate trying things on, I have to buy stuff, take it home, hate it and then go give it to a different consignment shop. It's taxing.)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Funny!

    I end up returning A LOT of stuff I buy because I try it on for my husband and he gives me "the look", like he wouldn't be caught dead with me in that outfit...

    http://andthenifoundtwentybucks.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete