Wednesday, September 1, 2010

A Club that Has ME as a Member?

A few pressing, unrelated issues in order of how they came to my in my dreams last night:

1. I got Blog of Note, you guys! I am so very flattered. I didn't realize it happened until I started getting all the spam comments alerting me of this great achievement.  Thanks spammers!  (Busy Friday night?)  Big, awkward hugs to the new visitors, too!  Thanks for stopping by!

Also, while I have you all here, how long until they forward the book-deal paperwork, does anyone know?  I've got some plans for my cash advance and they start with FUNNEL CAKE PARTY!

But while you're looking that up, I should also confess that I have the sneaking suspicion that every other recipient of this amazing achievement is suddenly feeling  They gave it to HER?!  Heh.  I KNOW.

Sorry guys. I have that effect on things.  (But get back to me on that book deal gig, alright?)

2. Next, I've had this song stuck in my head for about a week:

Dear god. It makes me sad for so many reasons.  Well, wait; strike that. It makes me sad for two very specific reasons:

a. It's so very awful and nerve-splitting, and I cannot hear the tune without picturing this unfortunate lunch-table mate of mine from the seventh grade who would do this awkward dance as she sang the lyrics.  There was a lot of movement with her hands.  And head.  And scrunched-up-sock-wearing feet.

b. It reminds me of the 90's. Do you KNOW what that decade DID to people?  Do you know what it did to me?  Aside from it taking my awkwardly proportioned body and making sausage casings of my legs with mustard-colored stirrup pants....

...maybe I'll take the rest of this up with my therapist.

3.  And finally, I'm coming to the realization that the left side of my body has been cursed from a young age, and does anyone know a good witchdoctor?  Now, while this is completely true (kinda), you'll need a bit of back-story.

a. We'll begin with my pinky finger. When I was in about 6th grade (oh god! the stirrup pants again!), we were playing kickball during recess. I was in the outfield praying the ball came NO WHERE near me, for fear I'd have to reveal my failings in the physically-strong-and-coordinated department.  But alas, the fates were giggling just as hard as my classmates that day when the ball came directly toward me.  I reached out my hands, spreading my fingers wide apart (I don't KNOW), closing my eyes and turning my head away with a grimace to shield my face from impact.  Well, the ball clipped my pinky finger and broke it.  Of course, I was too humiliated to admit this, so I chased after the ball (in slow motion, I'm sure) and tossed it about two feet ahead of me to the pitcher guy who just stood there blinking in disbelief.  I think he was on the basketball team.

Later that evening, when the doctor "broke" my finger back into place (yes. ouch.) he told me to do exercises.  But I was all, "Doc? I'm trying to make a name for myself with these here stirrup pants. I will have nothing of your silly finger jazzercising."  Now, my left hand pinky finger is a near-useless appendage that cramps up at will.  Quirky, no?

b. Next, we'll flash briefly to the one time I was in a doctor's office and the man told my mother that my left side was not being used enough (arm, leg...ear?) and that the muscles in my back were starting to affect my spine.  Let's get a WHOOP WHOOP for sedentary lifestyle!  Anyway, I think that part's fixed, but before I left the room, he pulled down my shirt gown and used my pre-pubescent boobs to make the point that the human body is not entirely symmetrical.  I am still recovering from *that* level of humiliation. 

c. And lastly,  I sprained my wrist about a year ago, the result of a wily one year-old who tried to lunge from my arms every time I picked him up and he saw something SHINY! TOY! KITTY! JUUUUIIICCEE!  Anyway, guys. Pro tip: put the unruly bastard down.  Do not.  I repeat: do NOT attempt to use the brute strength of your wrist to protect him from concussion or untimely death.  You'll be sentenced to a lifetime of intermittent brace-wearing. It will also seriously cramp your blogging style as the cramping will eventually convince you that wrist-jazzercising maybe isn't ALL that bad.


And before you leave, I want to thank anyone who has stopped by and taken the time to vote for my dear friend in the Pepsi Refresh Challenge.  You guys? THEY WON!  At midnight last night, they were in first place!  You know what this means?!  Well, sure, it means they get the money, but MORE IMPORTANTLY, you guys, it means that you get a VLOG (as gross as it may sound)! 

Brace yourselves, comrades.  It is coming.


  1. I was never very good at sports either and broke (or jammed) my fingers all the time; no matter how bad I was my parents never let me quit!
    Once I broke my pinky toe though in soccer and it's never been the same since T_T So I feel ya there.
    Anyways, congrats on being in the Blogs of Note! I really enjoy your blogs a lot. :)

  2. i didn't do well at sports, either. mostly because i'm a lazy, sloth-like creature and have always found more interesting things to do than running around sweating and hitting at sports balls.

    not that sports aren't important. just not for me to play. i prefer watching.

    also, congrats on being BONed (blog of note). i'm glad i found your blog - it's super funny and very real! i've been reading back some of the older posts.

  3. Congrats on being a Blog of Note! I didn't even know such a thing existed until I read it here and now I'm super jealous and itchy because now I want it.

    p.s. The itchy thing is because of a skin condition, not because of your newfound twitter recognition. Just thought I'd mention it.

  4. Congrats on being a Blog of Note! This is my first time reading your blog and I have to say it's great! Going to read up on older posts now....

  5. Oh my heck, I love you already...for the "[blank] times a lady" joke. See, that's one of my classics. If I'm ever counting something, like if I ever say, "Yeah, like once or twice," then I will finish it, "Three times a laydaaaaayyyy." And sometimes I'll throw in a "And I looooove yoooooouuu." No one ever gets it but me. But I think you will get it. Won't you? I will be back for your answer.

  6. I don't know why, but as soon as I heard that song I envisioned someone with headgear dancing to it, too.


  7. Desiree: Thanks! I managed to do volleyball well enough, but we were a hodgepodge group that never won. So, maybe I didn't, after all.

    Steph: BONED! I like you already.

    Miss Y: I have a cream for that...

    Bianca: Thanks!

    Nicole: DUDE. I DO THIS INCESSANTLY. But, with like, any song ever. You say three words that are in my memory bank as lyrics? I sing. My husband hateshateshates it. Which makes me do it more, of course.

    Wendi: Thanks for coming over! I'm sure after I got that gem of a tune stuck in your head, you'll be back on a regular basis, right?

  8. Awesome and deserving. You're the 2nd BoN person I've known in the last month. I feel unworthy to comment here.

    But I will. Thanks Kristine and all of your readers and friends who helped Cure JM. We are in your debt.

  9. Kristine: ME TOO. Creepy. Anyway, luckily my memory has been failing lately and fewer song lyrics remain in my head.

    I also like the name of your blog. It sounds like something my aunt said to us when she had a van full of kids and she had to stop at Bowman's (grocery store) to get just a few things. "Wait in the van." "NOOOOO, we want to go in with you." "I just have to get a few things..." Two hours later she'd come out with ten bags of groceries.

    That was back in the olden days when people didn't get arrested for innocent things like leaving their kids in the car while they shopped for groceries. Haha.

  10. it's okay dear we uncoordinated people will stick together

  11. Congratulations on your Blog of Note. You definitely deserved it. Your blogs make for a great read.

  12. I will make 15 times a lady. I like the star background. It's stellar. I played baseball awkwardly for many, many years.

    This blog is an attempt to make up for my awkwardness:

  13. WHAT?! YOU ARE SO FUNNY. sorry i wrote that in all caps. but I'm not that sorry.

  14. Never read your blog before...I love your random quirkiness and altogether sense of "odd yet charming". I will follow you now. That is all :)

  15. What lovely spam you have here. Congrats on being a blog of note. Greetings from New Zealand.

  16. HELLZ to the YEAH! blog of note!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!
    you totally deserve it bc you are hilarious and fabulous and all that jazz. i will say i am violently jealous of you success however and it makes me wish i was on Blogger just so i could be ultimately disappointed bc i would NEVER win blog of note, bc seriously? yeah, my blog? needy and immature? definitely noteworthy? notsamuch...

    oh and one more thing:
    yes, please.

  17. Congrats!

    On the flip side... Texas.


  18. Kevin: No way. It was so great just to be a part of something so amazing.

    Nicole: I clearly remember walking around the car while my mom drove us on rode trips. It a wonder any of us survived.

    becca: Sweet. Let me know when you come up with the secret handshake. Don't make it too complicated, for the love of god.

    Rita: Thank you!

    Insectman: Thanks for stopping by. And for your shameless plug.


    Crystal: Aww. Thanks for the "charming" part. It's an acquired taste I think. The "odd" is quite potent.

    KB: Right? I think it means I'm on my way! know...not.

    steff: Um, but needy and immature is my platform. Hello? Don't worry, we can still break funnel cake together.

    TwoBusy: You sonofa...*SOB*

  19. Congratulations! Also I'm so jealous. xx

  20. Hey from a newbie!

    My old hospital still have my old health record featuring a snazzy little doodle my docotor once did to illustrate to my my mum a particularly embarrasing childhood issue ON THE FRONT COVER.

    I also regularly attempted to catch balls by vaguely waving my hands infront of my averted face and squealing slightly. So you're not alone.

    Hope it helps!

  21. Hey from a newbie!

    My old hospital still have my old health record featuring a snazzy little doodle my docotor once did to illustrate to my my mum a particularly embarrasing childhood issue ON THE FRONT COVER.

    I also regularly attempted to catch balls by vaguely waving my hands infront of my averted face and squealing slightly. So you're not alone.

    Hope it helps!

  22. Never read your blog before...I love your random quirkiness and altogether sense of "odd yet charming". I will follow you now. That is all :)