Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Can't Stop What's Coming

No one likes to admit it, but let's be clear: we're all slowly turning into our parents.  Sure, we note some of their failures (My god, mother...kill 'em with KINDNESS? in MIDDLE SCHOOL?) and try to improve upon them for the sake of our children (Here, son; take these nunchucks), but still.  The mannerisms. The angular, wrinkling face. The unfortunate wardrobe malfunctions.  The incontinence.  The Type 2 diabetes.  It's all coming.

Recently I've become more in tune with some of these traits that I inherited from my mother.  [Husband? You can go ahead and stop reading now, mkay?]  She is just as wonderfully awkward around new people as I am, has an undeniable and insatiable sweet tooth, and cries at the most ridiculous and innocent of images, memories, and holiday greeting cards.  To this day, I still cannot watch Animal Planet for fear of breaking down and screaming for THE ANTELOPE! THEY'RE EATING HIM ALLIIIIIIIVE!  WHY IS THE CAMERA MAN JUST WATCHING! AHHH GAAHHHHDD NOOOO...

But just yesterday I noticed something that I'd hoped I wouldn't develop until I was old, substantially more gray, and possibly senile since these elderly milestones offer opportunities for excuses and dismissal of odd behavior.  But at age 31, with a head of hair that can still be plucked of its gray interlopers, and a mind that is only slightly clouded by medication and sleep deprivation, I have no excuse for the emergence of this Home Remedy phenomenon.



No, it's not Windex.  It does not involve whiskey.  Hell, I don't even call upon the need for witch doctors, priests, or herbal concotions.  No, my go-to is water.  That's right. Water.  The other day I caught myself prescribing the substance for about the sixty hundredth time.  Observe:

Husband: Man, I've had this headache for at least two days now.

Me: You probably need to drink more water.

***

PlusOne: [calling from bathroom] MAAHHM! I can't go POOOPEE!

Me: Well, did you drink all your water this morning like I asked?  Wait there; I'll bring you something to drink.

***

Me: [Thinking to self] Fuck, why are these cats being such assholes?!

...

AH. They probably want some fresh water.

***

T9: [Gagging on an overstuffed mouthful of pancake]

Me: Geeze, kid, chew! Swallow! Here, have some water.

***
Mother: I can just feel my blood pressure rising; this whole mess is stressing me out.

Me: No, mom; stop exaggerating. You're probably just drinking too much water.  [Smacks glass out of her hand, sending it shattering to the floor.]  There.

I suppose that it could be worse. And there's a good chance my family has yet to pick up on this pattern, thereby writing off my every word to OLD AGE and secretly researching affordable nursing homes.  However, I'm on red alert, just to be sure.  And denying my husband, children, and cats of any future water intake in an effort to suppress future urges. This should do the trick.


33 comments:

  1. While water seems to be the ultimate cure-all for you I prefer ice cream myself. "Here kid, quit squalling, and eat some ice cream" works for me every time. ;)

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  2. Maybe a finger of brandy mixed in with that water would do the trick. Does for me.

    SD
    http://www.simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

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  3. Words of wisdom, Kristine. I knew I was turning into my mother when I freaked out a little over my daughter's boyfriend having a mohawk!

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  4. You know you turned in to your parents when you start freaking out about them jumping off a moving swing...etc. You know we all did it when we were there age.
    Here have some water.

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  5. Why do those Islamic extremists hate us? Dehydration. A few Marshall Planish air drops of Aquafina on the Middle East, a little more access to our Poland Springs -- problem solved.

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  6. I *wish* I would turn into my parents! Instead I feel like I'm turning into my sister. My crazy, inappropriate, scatterbrained sister. Maybe I'm just disoriented from the dehydration. Lemme grab another coffee.

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  7. You and my husband with the water thing...he's like the clear liquid nazi.

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  8. Don't feel alone, I'm 23 and I tell Ass-band all the time to drink more water - though his lifetime consumption of water before he married me could equal less than a quart and I think I have an obligation to his kidneys to catch him up.

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  9. so what's the cure for having to pee all the freakin' time?? :)

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  10. At least you're not DRESSING like her! I've spent my lifetime mocking her predilection for brown only to look at a sea of khaki in my closet. My butt is still smaller, though, so at least I have that going for me. Sigh. For now.

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  11. I'm giggling and all I can think of is that part in My Big Fat Greek Wedding with the Windex dad.

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  12. I'm 22 and I'm already turning into my dad ... mentally, not physically ... that would be like a Stephen King book. OMG NO ONE TAKE THAT IDEA IM WRITING IT NOW ... ;)

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  13. Hello, my name is Kristen and I too subscribe to the water remedy - HOWEVER, I didn't know it would work and the idiot cats -I'll try it next time! At my house, my kids call "DEX" my other man b/c there is never a picture without the windex bottle in the background....

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  14. please pass me a glass of water :)
    http://becca-mycrazystuff.blogspot.com/

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  15. I am 30 and I am well past the point where I can pluck the grays out-they all grow on one side of my head-the side that is stressed out-so if I did pluck them all out I would have a funny little bald spot up front. Perhaps if I poor lots of water on this spot they will clear up? or will this just wash out my hair dye?
    http://rotdujour.blogspot.com/

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  16. I try to drink as much water as I can every day, and you know what it does? Makes me have to piss every 5 minutes. So there.

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  17. Ugh. I find myself transforming into my mother quite frequently. It's the most frightening thing ever. Sometimes I say things and then all sense disappears from my head, I look around, and I ask, "Mom? Is that you?" When I realize it's actually me, I hide in the corner of the room, curled up in a a little ball, rocking back and forth, chanting, "I will never wear holiday sweatshirts. I will never wear holiday sweatshirts."

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  18. Ahem, I guess I'm the weird one here. I WISH I could be more like my mama. She's got her shit together like you won't believe, and she can do..like...everything. She can sew stuff, knit, cook, make a household work while having a full-time job and still manage a film club membership, visits to the theatre, serious gardening (we're talking plant rearing and stuff) and having evening tea with a good book. And, yeah, she rides her bike to work. At sixty-four. In the winter. In SWEDEN. I am shamefully undeveloped compared to her.

    Oh, and she's got good taste in clothes too.

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  19. It could be much worse... MUCH. If home remedy water prescribing is the worst you've inherited, you're in good shape :-)

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  20. When I read the title, I thought it was going to be a post about Ray Charles' sex life.

    Maybe I need to drink more water. I hear it helps prevent making crazy assumptions.

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  21. I do the water thing too, a lot. But did you know you can die of water poisoning? So let's use it but not abuse it....chocolate we can abuse though!

    Btw, I swear I'm not turning into my mother, she used to tell me I would get frogs in my stomach if I kept drinking too much water.....

    http://alexsblogginglife.blogspot.com

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  22. This one time, my wife said something that sounded like something her mom would say. I casually said, "Hey, you sounded sort of like your mom just now," and she turned and looked at me...

    ...and laser beams shot out of her eyes and burned holes in my face. It hurt.

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  23. Ugh. I hate water. You know what fish do in that, right?

    I tell folks "Those aren't gray hairs--they're blonde ones in disquise"

    ROFL
    Scratch

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  24. Ha!! This made me laugh so hard and for so long that I became dehydrated and needed water. Thanks a lot! Loved it. :)

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  25. We are kindred spirits...it all comes down to fresh water. I don't know why no one else gets it.

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  26. I am so very guilty of this same thing. For my wife's every ailment, my first thought is H2O. So glad I'm not alone.

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  27. Just found your blog and love it!! And the water thing... hilarious.

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  28. My first thought while reading this was, "Holy crap, we have the same mother and we've both become her." But then I figured you're much to nice to be my sister. I do the same thing to my husband, but he really doesn't drink enough water.

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  29. OMG. Water. That is my cure-all/answer-all. . . tired? Drink water. Thirsty? Drink water. Headache/backache/neckache/tummyache/etc.? Drink water. . . Sick? Drink water.

    And now that I have a kid, everything I didn't think I'd EVER say to my kids, I find coming out of my mouth - I literally AM turning into not just my mom, but my dad as well. I talk to random strangers, I laugh at my own stupid jokes (esp. when no one else is laughing), and I will probably embarrass the hell out of my kid when she's older.

    http://lookingforloveinla.blogspot.com

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  30. http://committedtoprimetime.blogspot.com/

    my mom teaches kindergarten, so her thing is:

    me: mom, my stomach hurts.
    her: do you need to go to the bathroom?

    me: mom, i don't feel good.
    her: do you need to go to the bathroom?

    me: mom, today is not a good day.
    her: do you need to go to the bathroom?

    me: mom.
    her: do you need to go to the bathroom?

    that's her 'solve all' solution. i guess she's had to clean up too many 'accidents' to count.

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  31. I love that you shared your "ah-ha!" I-am-my-mother moment... I had mine just a few weeks ago. A friend moved into a new apartment in a new city and I found myself advising her to "leave your apartment door open so you can make new friends! The neighbors will stop in and say 'hi!'" Wait a second? Who has said *that* to me before?...

    www.smellingthesneezeweed.blogspot.com

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