But to address the question and to permanently end the issue for both you guys and myself, I'm presenting you my HOW TO BE
And the introduction to this manual goes something like this: I have no frickin' idea. I don't "KNOW PEOPLE" or "HAVE MUCH TALENT" or "KNOW WHAT I'M DOING." But I suppose if I HAD to guess, I'd wager that my bangin' bod and/or content has something to do with it. Beyond my au naturel physique, I've been blogging off and on for the past five years and I've compiled some priiiittty good material. For, ah, making fun of myself. Ahem.
Therefore, the short answer is that you need to become an awkward social reject. The addition of children and/or pets will help progress your story line. Having your cats do inappropriate or annoying things will help even further. A husband that rolls his eyes at most of your commentary would put you in an even better place for such an achievement. Now you just need to mix it all up and see what happens.
|*Not my actual children. Or husband. Cats, however, are mine. Unfortunately.|
That said, let's have a look at one of the questions I've received from a newbie blogger:
"i'd love to be a blog of note. any advice for your readers on how we can achieve this?"
Sure thing, kid. First I'd suggest getting yourself out into the public eye. Take a big city for example. There's lots of adventure to be had in the big city! I've always been fascinated by the architecture, street grime (and crime for that matter), and general hostility of fellow mankind. One of my favorite things to do, however, is to ignore social interaction altogether and just look at inanimate, shiny objects. For instance, those revolving doors they have at the big office building are a great way to test your social aptitude. I hear you're supposed to hop right in behind the stranger ahead of you so that you both have to do the shuffle in order to get inside without losing a foot. 'Swhat I do anyway.
If you're not up for travel, then you only need go as far as your local gym. In fact, once I made myself a gaggle of
What's that? You're agoraphobic? Dude. TOTALLY understand. You can accomplish such humiliation without stepping foot beyond your property line. Like I said before, I prefer inanimate things because they're less likely to reject you. In fact, this is why I have a garden. I figure the flowers are nice enough to look at and they may distract any possible visitors from their ultimate disappointment with my lack of social graces. Plus, I used to think that making friends with bugs would be a good starting point. The thing is that bugs are wily little creatures and generally not very friendly. A social outing with a bug will likely result in you being chased around your front yard Tom & Jerry style screaming profanities at those horrendously hideous things that people like to call dragonflies. And don't even TELL ME they don't bite because I have this policy against all things dragon, ok? Plus, they're ugly and DID I MENTION TERRIFYING? And let's not even get started on cicadas.
Where were we? RIGHT. Fame and fortune! So.
Follow these simple steps, and you'll be on your way to becoming the next James Frey! I mean, sure, it's not a direct line to a bonafide book deal, but I'm pretty sure Oprah owns Blogger. I mean, right? Her or Rupert Murdoch, that is.
Prolly Murdoch now that I think of it. In which case, ignore the above information and build yourself a bunker at least one hundred feet underground stocked with food rations and gold bricks.
Best of luck, chap.
This was so much fun. In fact, I'm thinking of making it a semi-regular gig around here. Have a question for The Van? Email me at waitinthevan [at] gmail [dot] com or just leave a comment below!
If you email, be sure to include your blog URL so I can link it up. Prefer anonymity? Sure thang. I wouldn't want to be associated with someone like myself either.