Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Advice & Comments from the Peanut Gallery

I've been getting a lot (okay, like three) of emails and comments asking me how to become a famous and spectacular blogger. Initially, I get all defensive because I have low self worth, but then I get happy because I'm flattered, but then I get sad again because PSYCHE! JUST KIDDING! YOU SUCK!

But to address the question and to permanently end the issue for both you guys and myself, I'm presenting you my HOW TO BE RICH AND FAMOUS LOWER MIDDLE CLASS AND VAGUELY RECOGNIZABLE IN SMALL SOCIAL CIRCLES (and for all the wrong reasons) instruction manual.

And the introduction to this manual goes something like this: I have no frickin' idea. I don't "KNOW PEOPLE" or "HAVE MUCH TALENT" or "KNOW WHAT I'M DOING." But I suppose if I HAD to guess, I'd wager that my bangin' bod and/or  content has something to do with it.  Beyond my au naturel physique, I've been blogging off and on for the past five years and I've compiled some priiiittty good material.  For, ah, making fun of myself.  Ahem.

Therefore, the short answer is that you need to become an awkward social reject. The addition of children and/or pets will help progress your story line.  Having your cats do inappropriate or annoying things will help even further.  A husband that rolls his eyes at most of your commentary would put you in an even better place for such an achievement.  Now you just need to mix it all up and see what happens.

*Not my actual children. Or husband. Cats, however, are mine. Unfortunately.


That said, let's have a look at one of the questions I've received from a newbie blogger:

"i'd love to be a blog of note. any advice for your readers on how we can achieve this?"

Sure thing, kid.  First I'd suggest getting yourself out into the public eye. Take a big city for example.  There's lots of adventure to be had in the big city! I've always been fascinated by the architecture, street grime (and crime for that matter), and general hostility of fellow mankind.  One of my favorite things to do, however, is to ignore social interaction altogether and just look at inanimate, shiny objects. For instance, those revolving doors they have at the big office building are a great way to test your social aptitude.  I hear you're supposed to hop right in behind the stranger ahead of you so that you both have to do the shuffle in order to get inside without losing a foot.  'Swhat I do anyway.

If you're not up for travel, then you only need go as far as your local gym. In fact, once I made myself a gaggle of friends restraining orders when I tried a treadmill for the first time. My understanding is that they're for running, right? Well, APPARENTLY you're supposed to get up to speed first before you run.  Turns out that running at super slow speeds will only cause tripping and awkward fart noises and the kind of violent vibrations that could sent the entire occupancy of the building out the door for fear of an impending earthquake.

What's that? You're agoraphobic? Dude. TOTALLY understand. You can accomplish such humiliation without stepping foot beyond your property line.  Like I said before, I prefer inanimate things because they're less likely to reject you. In fact, this is why I have a garden. I figure the flowers are nice enough to look at and they may distract any possible visitors from their ultimate disappointment with my lack of social graces.  Plus, I used to think that making friends with bugs would be a good starting point. The thing is that bugs are wily little creatures and generally not very friendly.  A social outing with a bug will likely result in you being chased around your front yard Tom & Jerry style screaming profanities at those horrendously hideous things that people like to call dragonflies. And don't even TELL ME they don't bite because I have this policy against all things dragon, ok?  Plus, they're ugly and DID I MENTION TERRIFYING? And let's not even get started on cicadas.  

Where were we?  RIGHT.  Fame and fortune! So.

Follow these simple steps, and you'll be on your way to becoming the next James Frey! I mean, sure, it's not a direct line to a bonafide book deal, but I'm pretty sure Oprah owns Blogger. I mean, right? Her or Rupert Murdoch, that is.

...

Prolly Murdoch now that I think of it.  In which case, ignore the above information and build yourself a bunker at least one hundred feet underground stocked with food rations and gold bricks.

Best of luck, chap.

*****
This was so much fun. In fact, I'm thinking of making it a semi-regular gig around here. Have a question for The Van? Email me at waitinthevan [at] gmail [dot] com or just leave a comment below!

If you email, be sure to include your blog URL so I can link it up. Prefer anonymity? Sure thang. I wouldn't want to be associated with someone like myself either.

Ahem.


41 comments:

  1. oh my god. please, please do make it regular.

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  2. Whew...I thought no one would ever teach me that shit!

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  3. Why is it every.single.time. I see "ahem" in your blog I make the noise to go with it? ;)

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  4. I always thought it would be easy to become a world famous blogger. It's as simple as this:

    Become world famous for something completely idiotic like being a millionaire heiress / socialite or maybe a drugged out half-ass actor.

    Then just write about what happens to you in an average day. Like "I woke up, scratched myself and watched Price is Right. Then later I went to Starbucks and was totally dissed by having to stand in line. I mean, don't those people see how important I am?"

    Next thing you know, you'll have a million followers because there are so many mindless people out there willing to read crap from people they perceive to have talent.

    Personally I prefer the other way... start out with no fame or money whatsoever and write from the heart with a little wit. Then hope for the best!

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com

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  5. Haaaahaha ohhh, this is the most interesting thing I've read yet!! And, unfortunately for my friend, all the reasons I've spent so much time convincing her to write about her horribly awkward social interactions at every turn!

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  6. Weird how much we are alike (kids, cats (they even look the same!), hubby, blogger, sarcastic (because I can't spell sarcasm or is it sarcasim??) Rockin bod, Van, Yet, you have 935 followers and I have 14. (don't get me wrong I LOVE MY 14!- but how much are you paying them again?? ;) Love your blog!

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  7. Would love this as a regular feature! I am new to the blogging "thing" and have found your blog to be the best of the bunch. (sounds ass-kissy but I swear this is the truth!) :)

    http://nevergonnaregretreadingthis.blogspot.com

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  8. My favorite thing about blogging is the fact that I can do it without wearing pants.

    Is that enough to make me famous? It's really all I have to offer.

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  9. LOL every time I see the word Ahem in your blog, I can't help myself from saying it out loud too. I love the fact that you have a garden. I also friggin HATE cicadas. Very cool of you to try and help fresh bloggers like me make it big like you.

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  10. Wow! You with out a doubt forgot about one small thing that you will need to be a GREAT blogger. This is something that looks like it just comes naturally to you, and that is the gift of gab.

    Keep up the good work and train us well.

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  11. Vittoria: Well, since you put it that way...!

    Jayme: Seriously. What the hell are they DOING in kindergarten these days?!

    Kristin: I'm not certain, but I bet it's because you're awesome.

    Simple Dude: Yeah, I tried it the other way, but there just weren't enough drugs to keep me happy. What?

    Libbets: You'll need to coax her gently. We *are* fragile creatures, you know. We also like chocolate.

    Kristen: Patience, my love. And unmarked bills.

    Carebear: I know not of what you speak, this "kiss assy" business.

    DP: Actually, that seems to be an even better attribute than what I've got going on here. Better coordination at least. Amirite? Wait, don't tell me.

    Rita: Clearly you are ALSO awesome. Or, it's the beginning of flu season?

    NMDA: You say "gab," I say, "verbal art," my husband says, "wife. keep it shh."

    Darshan: YOU just made me smile. xo

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  12. Girl you are funny!! Seriously though, I guess that's why you're one of the 'beautiful people' or at least famous enough to be a big league blogger.

    I have stopped counting how many followers you have (ran out of fingers and toes..), but how about sharing the wealth? Like, you could pick one of the posts from your fan club and award it the "WITV" award for, oh I don't know....'blog of hope'maybe?. Then everybody else from your cult following would see it and voila' another star is born.....
    Ok, better stop now, I'm making myself sick!

    Keep writing o wise one....
    www.alexsblogginglife.blogspot.com

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  13. I'm kinda bummed 'cuz now I know that I'll never be a big shot blogger. Got no eye rolling husband (or any other kind, for that matter) and I got no kids.
    I do have a couple of dogs, a cat and a goat. Will that equal out a little bit, maybe?

    Pretty funny stuff you got goin' on here, lady.

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  14. WHen I read your "ahem" I get all giddy and say to myself, "this is gonna be good."

    Question: how can I get a sharp dressed blog like this? How do you know what to design? My blog looks like I'm a red rosy cheeked rotund matron making rice krispie squares.

    Can you help me?

    You are all the sauce, and more.

    *ahem* is your mom still alive? *ahem*

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  15. I go for a more vulgar approach. I beg friends to beg their friends to visit my blog.

    Also, I buy blog friends! I host a blog that has no real income (Monetize, when will I get my $1.33?), so you can imagine how deep my pockets are. That's right! Pennies a day. But that hasn't stopped me from running an ad or two on Facebook in the hopes that some poor insomniac will get hooked on my blog. (That's www.NinjaMomBlog.com.)

    And by hooked, I mean just like I'm hooked on your blog, oh Blogger of Note. You're a laugh riot, girl. Please keep posting. And if you figure out how to get that book deal (or an infrequent magazine column), would you put in a good word with the editor for me?

    PS-I, too, have no idea how to make my blog prettier without resorting to posting pics of Brangelina. I'd love to know how you do it.

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  16. i started blogging 2 days ago. found you 2 days ago. you crack me up. i think i'm gonna take your advice and try and make friends in my yard tomorrow. I hope the cows appreciate it...if not maybe one of my 2 followers will. I'll update you if its worthy :)

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  17. I too found your blog in blogs of note and am a newbie to blogging :-)

    I really like your blog! Alot !! Your writing has such great tone and personality, this post is a big help too so thank you :-) ... I think the most important thing I have learned from you is to be sincere and honest, and maybe some people(s!) might like and or follow...

    anyways...

    blogging is so much fun for me, with or without "success"

    :-D

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  18. My question for you is with regard to making friends with bugs. Kristine, you asked for some questions in your post.

    Do you know what I am getting at? That is not my question.

    It is coming. I just must put it together. Before I say it let me just... or maybe not.

    Here it is: what are some difficult aspects of making friends with bugs?

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  19. Alessandra: I am not qualified for such gift-giving. I think you need a doctorate for that.

    Rebecka: Dude, a goat? I think you just one-upped me.

    Empress: My love, I have no design skills whatsoever. If it weren't for a chance introduction to a generous and amazing relative-of-a-blogger, my blog would be...um...just as special as yours? As for my mother, she got a call from the governor at the last minute.

    Nikki: See above re: prettiness. I am not skilled. Also, I promise to have a also-sign-all-my-followers clause in any writing contract I attach my name to.

    Michelle: I'm sure there's some amazing material there. I happen to be terrified of cows.

    ruairi: Exaaaahhhctly. No magic potion or promotional tricks here. Just do what you love.

    Podcast: You are big on self-promotion and linking, I see. I'm not sure this is the best question you can come up with, however. Dig down deep, my friend. What does your SOUL want to know? (Not that I can answer, of course. Just curious.)

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  20. ...so....any chance of a So You Want To Become An Awkward Social Reject e-book coming out in the near future?

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  21. Aaawwweeesssooommmeee!!!

    Can I at least ask how many of you live in your pretty little head? (I have at least 3 roomies.)

    Check in later for more enlightenment...

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  22. I am not quite understand the meaning of this article because I am from Chinese,but I I understand the gist of this article.I subscribe to your blog's purpose is to improve my English.Although now I just to understand the effect,maybe some time in the future I can fully understand your articles.I am also a newbie blogger,here is my blog:thisisyangguang.blogspot.com.Unfortunately,this blog written by Chinese because my english is soso and I don't want to my blogs are full of mistakes!LOL

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  23. can i just say that i LOVE that the above commenter says he subscribes to you to improve his English. not that im saying your English is BAD. your English is awesome. oh man, now this is awkward. you probably think i was dissing you just there. hmmmmm... ok, to clarify? NO DISS. you are awesome and i abso ADORE your blog. like, as much as your cats love doing inappropriate tricks. basically what im trying to say is that i love your blog to an inappropriate extent. which is really the best way to love ANYTHING. right?

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  24. So here I am and totally waiting in your Van. Umm....or I'm a New follower! That was way more dorky (or creepy) than I intended. Sorry about that. But I like what I've seen already and pumped to read more. Be back soon!

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  25. Now I may be missing something, because I'm English and as you know we are renowned for being repressed and all that drivel; but are you suggesting going and seeking out blog content?

    If so, being a famous blogger is not for me since I just write about things that happened (either in life or in my head) without me trying.

    Or did I interpret your sage advice wrongly?

    Is it critical to be uproariously funny? (is that sentence an oxymoron?). If so, I fear I will fail on that front ;-)

    Cheers
    J.J.

    http://dreamsandreality-jj.blogspot.com/

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  26. Am I a poser Wait in the Van fan because I found your blog via Blogs of Note? I feel like I could be... which would mean you've really made it big, because now you have authentic fans, and us other people who are just fans because its... trendy? I'm getting carried away here...

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  27. love your way with wit and words! keeps me laughing!

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  28. Nice blog.

    I'm famous for strangeness and have awarded you the "Strange Men in Pinstripe Suits Blog Award."

    Good Luck!

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  29. THanks for the info... THere is some funny stuffff on here... Can you hook me up?

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  30. I have no sense of humor, I can't even tell a knock knock joke without screwing it up. Is there hope for the non-hillarious types?

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  31. Just as the rich get richer, the more famous become infamous. . . and well, internet celebs just gather more followers. Crazy, we're always following other ppl.

    Anyway, another great post! I'm definitely hooked. . . can't wait to read another post. :)

    http://lookingforloveinla.blogspot.com

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  32. Oh wow, I just scrolled past 10 perfectly good comments to see if Kristine had answered the Chinese guy yet. Sad.

    http://glitterfrog.blogspot.com

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  33. haha, I just did the same thing Vicki did.

    Stumbled on your blog from Blogs of Note, and found it to be hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.

    Lai
    http://newyorkprism.blogspot.com

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  34. You have just made me laugh so hard I think I did myself an injury. Keep it up, I look forward to reading more :)

    D

    http://eatingglitter.blogspot.com

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  35. Kristine, thank you for complimenting somebody. It is good to stay in touch.

    I shall ask no question though because, as you say, you cannot answer it. They are also interested in questions.

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  36. Your wisdom is immense. I am in awe. I'm sure one day soon I'll be begging you to do a guest lecture for my course/blog. Until then, please keep making your cats do inappropriate things.

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  37. Not to sound like a complete butt kiss but you are a fantastic writer and I think you should compile everything for a book. I´d buy it.

    http://realitybites247.blogspot.com/

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  38. Kristine, thank you for complimenting somebody. It is good to stay in touch.

    I shall ask no question though because, as you say, you cannot answer it. They are also interested in questions.

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  39. Whew...I thought no one would ever teach me that shit!

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