Monday, August 23, 2010

Makin' Friends is so Damn Easy

I'm starting to realize that my therapist's recommendation that I make more friends is pretty much the equivalent of me demanding that my cats make dinner for once.  Sure, maybe it's worth a shot, but c'mon.

The other day, I was at the playground with my boys, a neighbor, and her son.  The kids were happily diving off the many openings of the slide-climbing-death-trap contraption and tossing mulch into each others eyes and hair.  I was taking the opportunity to make me-talk-big-girl conversation with a bonafide, living adult.  I kind of hoped she'd offer to braid my hair or something, but no dice.  It was fun anyway.  And, a little later, you guys? A total stranger joined us with her young daughter, and I introduced myself! For real. Without puking on her. In fact, I was so proud, I made up a quick FIRST DAY OF MAKING FRIENDS sign and had her pose with me for a picture to show my therapist.

And really, for about ten minutes or so, we looked like a happy little group as long as you ignored the whining, shrieking children.  Well, after a while New Friend had to get going.  Sad, I know.  So we all stood up from the picnic bench to bid her a warm farewell.  I considered hugging, but figured maybe it was too soon.  But before she collected her kid, things took a turn for the worse.  Please reference the following diagram for the remainder of the story. Ahem.

(Please ignore utter inability to consider perspective & scale.)

In my peripheral vision, I noticed a woman getting out of her car and heading to the mailboxes that were located located on the other side of our complex's parking lot. But I paid little attention, because at that point I was probably turning my head, my hair moving in impossibly slow motion so as to highlight its sheen and volume, and saying something so witty that New Friend definitively decided I was going to be her New Best Friend Forever.  We all laughed and sighed and wiped tears from our not-too-little-and-not-too-much eye-lined eyes.

But then that blasted peripheral vision kicked in again in a manner that could only be likened to Spider Man's very own Spider Sense.  I. knew. someone. was. in. trouble.  It was at that point that the soundtrack to our lovely outing (I think we were on an old-school Rolling Stones track) screeched to a halt. I may have even raised a hand so as to silence New Friend.  She halted mid-sentence and furrowed her brow.  Probably.  I turned toward the parking lot and saw the woman's car slowly inching backwards.  SHE'D FORGOTTEN THE EMERGENCY BRAKE!  Shocked at what I was witnessing, I started to yell nervously.

"Oh my God! Her car! HEY! YOUR CAR!"

At this point, my friends have noticed this oddity as well and are nervously muttering, "Hmm, yeah, it kind of looks like her car is rolling away."  They may have chuckled.  Probably because they ALSO noticed that the woman was, in fact, not driving, but had gotten out of the passenger's seat. Her driving partner was backing up.  He was backing up, people.  But I had no time to notice such significant details.  The woman had clearly not heard me.

YOUUURRRR CAAAAAHHHHHRRRRR! 

Now, pointing.  Maybe waving furiously.  I was considering running over there to intervene.

YOOOOOOUUUUUURRRR CCCCAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHRRRRRR!

I think the woman glanced up briefly, to my disbelief, as she turned away from the mailbox and walked toward her runaway vehicle.  At this very moment, the car started to make that I'm-backing-up,-jackass turn.  It was only at this point that I noticed the reverse lights.

She leafed through her mail, climbed in the passenger's seat, and drove out of sight.

I turned back to my friends with my head down and laughed nervously.  "Wow. That, ah, that really looked like her car was rolling away, didn't it?"  And, to be honest, I don't clearly remember what happened next, guys.  I do recall awkward smirks and attempts to go back to the conversation we were having. You know, to pretend it never happened. 

It's just best for everyone involved. 

27 comments:

  1. After that, you should ask your cats for a souffle?

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  2. Oh My. I... I want to say something nice and comforting that'd be like a verbal hug but all I can say is... Oh My.

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  3. Oh. That's priceless. Were you mentally kicking yourself all the way home? And then later in the evening? And while you were trying to sleep? I would have been. I'm always making an ass out of myself in public. Which is why I try not to go out in public. *Sigh*

    If it's any consolation, anyone who's worth the effort of friendship would totally just laugh this off and never bring it up again. I mean, we've all been there, right? Right?

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  4. Kevin: After that, I start bribing my cats to befriend me.

    Bri: I'm thinking of seeking medical attention. Clearly it's a physiological ailment.

    OBG: Dude, for DAYS I kept thinking about it. And really, mostly laughing at the absurdity of it all. My life is like a walking cringe-comedy show.

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  5. That is damn funny. Your story is the kind of thing that would seal our friendship forever cuz I'd know that you would be a regular source of entertainment. If bored, just wait and see what you do next... :)

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  6. I personally don't think my life is going to be complete until someone runs at me yelling, "YOURRRR CAAAAAAHHHHRRRRRR!"

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  7. Wow: I'm not sure everyone would take that as a compliment, but I totally do. Now, if you could just move to my neighborhood so I can count you on my therapist's approved list of real-life friends.

    Kerri Anne: My calendar is pretty free for the rest of this month...

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  8. Haha!! I just found your blog and am so glad I did! I love your writing and the description of your shiny hair & perfectly lined eyes. That description so reminds me of me. (Right!) Hey, what happened to you has happened to us all. Well, not really, but what do you want me to say? :)

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  9. Well thank goodness your eyeliner was at least perfect. Because otherwise? Total disaster.

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  10. MY GOD. I could not love you more.

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  11. haha! just think about what a good person screaming at that woman in her not-really-rolling-backwards-car makes you and not how neurotic it proves you are.
    i kid. great story though, it figures something would happen JUST as you were enjoying THE FRIEND ZONE.
    i'll never forget when i burst into a one-man version of "Sunshine Day" or whatever it's called from the Brady Bunch movie on the playground in 7th grade complete with dance moves.
    that's right, i DANCED. by myself. in front of like 25 12 year olds.
    and yet i remained clueless as to why my quest for popularity was so damn elusive...

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  12. that is exactly why I would've gone straight home and braided you a friendship bracelet. In your favorite color, that I would've asked you about the moment you started screaming "yourrrrrrrrr caaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr!"

    Tell your therapist you made a friend.

    We're real. She doesn't have to know where we come from.

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  13. At least you don't run them off by asking if they put their kids in the closet. At least you were concerned about the car.

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  15. Oh nooooo!!! I literally almost died laughing with this story.... That would be something that would have happened to me.

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  16. Kelley: Exactly! Ha. There's not much to say. Cringing is good enough.

    Miss Y: Who the fuck am I kidding. I probably smudged it with my helicopter arms.

    Cat: :) Let's make out.

    steff: You an I would've been thick as thieves in 7th grade. Probably still now, really.

    The Empress: Dude, mail me the bracelet and I will wear it proudly to therapy. Ahem.

    OWO: Are you trying to tell me something. This is a safe place...

    RB: I'm glad you laughed...with me, of course...right?!

    Becky: Thanks. I try.

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  17. Oh my gosh, you are so original. Loved this. And that part about you taking a pic to show ur therapist ur new friends...priceless. Priceless. If only there were more peripherally gifted folks like you in the world.

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  18. LMAO....I found you on Blog Of Note and then decided to check out some older posts from you..I could not have picked a funnier one! This is exactly the kind of shit that happens to me. I don't care if no one else laughs..it gives me entertainment in my head for days!

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  19. Rita: Gifted! Yes! Could you have a word with my husband, please?

    Holly: Can you imagine if they gathered us all up in a gymnasium for a day? The SHENANIGANS!

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  20. I laughed out loud at this sentence: because at that point I was probably turning my head, my hair moving in impossibly slow motion so as to highlight its sheen and volume,

    You are too funny. Totally something I would do.

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  21. Just joined and man ... that was funny - I was laughing and crying and laughing ... you should bottle it and try to sell it ... eau de laffatme

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  22. Maybe this makes me a bad person, but I am so glad awkward stuff happens to other people too! Seriously that story is so funny, I emailed it to my husband to read, and then made him listen to me telling it to him while I laughed. Too hard. Therapeutically hard, I think.

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  23. "I'm starting to realize that my therapist's recommendation that I make more friends is pretty much the equivalent of me demanding that my cats make dinner for once."

    I laughed at this. My therapist has told me the same thing, and I told him I have friends, lots of them, and then he countered with "human friends - you need human friends."

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  24. Just joined and man ... that was funny - I was laughing and crying and laughing ... you should bottle it and try to sell it ... eau de laffatme

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  25. Oh My. I... I want to say something nice and comforting that'd be like a verbal hug but all I can say is... Oh My.

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