Monday, August 2, 2010

BIZZZYBIZZYBIZZY!

That's right. It's a busy week.

First, tomorrow's my anniversary. On my anniversary, I'll be heading to my hairstylist so she can fix my hair. When I made the appointment for Saturday morning, it was to get my usual brownbrownblackbrown, not brownbrownblazingredbrown. Staring in the mirror as she styled my mop, I noticed something was awry and started to feel a bit weepy. Yes, about my hair. Why? Because I don't have the BALLS to deal with this stuff, people. Confront her?! *gulp* After some time developing anxiety hives, I timidly mentioned my concerns to her avoiding eye contact through the mirror.

Me: Doesn't it look a little light here? [pointing to my roots, freshly dyed a totally different color than the rest of my head.]

Her: No way. You're sitting under these spotlights, is all. It's the same color!

Me: Yeah? It just...I dunno...

Her: You're so crazy.

To this, I had no retort. Because, well, yes--I am crazy. But also, I tried to tell her, "Um, you totally fucked up my hair mere DAYS before my departure for BLOGHER, and SHUTUP don't tell me YOU don't know what a BLOG is EITHER!" It's just that it came out more meek. But during the drive home, I started to feel more brave. Or at least, more deeply depressed and full of rage. I planned to call her from home after staring at my roots in the master bathroom. My husband had eyed me suspiciously, but more or less seemed utterly frightened and locked himself in the manroom. With the courage that only telephone transactions can muster, I phoned her and apologetically demanded she fix her error. I finished her off with about three or four thankyouthankyousorrysorry!'s and a cheerful farewell.

So, the redo is tomorrow morning. I really hope she doesn't charge me, because that will be an UGLY scene. When I get home, that is, and tell my husband that I paid her submissively and tipped her generously for her troubles.

After this, there will be the we-managed-to-avoid-divorce-this-year! celebration. I think we'll see Inception. Maybe eat some food and try to stay awake long enough so as not to beat the sun to bed. We are rockstars, I tell you.

After tomorrow, there is the countdown to BlogHer. Which, really--in theory--shouldn't take up any excessive amount of time. But, ah, it will. Let's eye the list, shall we?

1. Pack four outfits and two pairs of shoes in a shoulder bag. Find out how to use public restrooms to change gracefully and without contracting flesh eating virus. (I'm staying at the Hilton one night, you see, which means I can't check in 'til afternoon, and must check OUT late morning. So much of my time during these two full days will be without a home base. Feel sorry for me, will you?)



2. Review BlogHer schedule and find out if I'll be attending the sessions or enjoying the silence of my hotel room. And, uh, don't expect any live-blogging or any of that bullshit. I will be carrying my UNDERWEAR with my to most of these sessions, so my laptop simply didn't make the cut.

3. Mentally prepare for social interaction. I'm gonna try to do this without the aid of alcohol, people. I don't do the drink all too well. (As in I am a control freak, ok? Don't judge me.)

4. Prepare the children for my departure. Oh hell, they'll have a blast with Dad who doesn't wrench his hands at the thought of YOU'RE GIVING THEM ICE CREAM?!

5. Make about 500 lists and scenario screenplays, pack diaper bags ahead of time for possible outings and survival situations, and attach spreadsheets of children's schedules to every wall of the house. Brace for impact when more-than-capable husband becomes enraged at my emasculating tendencies. (Control freak? I told you.)

6. Remember the camera. (I will totally forget the camera.)

So, that about sums it up. I was thinking of giving you a hypothetically-possible-or-likely-awkward-social-encounters-while-at-BlogHer post, but I think giving you a rundown of the real thing upon my return will suffice. In fact, I'm sure of it.

__________

*Do you hear a certain animated Christmas character when you read this? Guess! I have no prizes to give away, but we can pretend.

18 comments:

  1. I don't know whether BlogHer is the third circle of Hell, but if it isn't I bet it's twinned with it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. hahaha..so glad I came over from i can't remember where. "mentally prepare for social interaction w/o the aid of alcohol."

    this is one I'll be using...can't wait to hear how it goes. ....

    ReplyDelete
  3. BlogHer sounds like Comic-Con, but with fewer Jedis.

    ReplyDelete
  4. London: You're aiming for, what...the second layer? Don't worry. With a bit more self-confidence you'll get the invite! (But seriously, what do you take me for? One with self confidence? Let's not make assumptions, darling.)

    Empress: Thanks for reading! I'm sure to have some lovely anecdotes to share next week!

    DP: Fewer Jedis and MORE neurosis! Sounds...FUN!(?)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have stared at that comment like a magic eye picture, but the punchline's still not jumping out at me. I'm always crabby at bedtime, mind you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. London: "Purveyor of smut"? Second level of hell? IS TO Third level? Self-indulgence? BlogHer?

    Oh GOD, I'm explaining my jokes. This does nothing for my dwindling self-confidence.

    foxes: I will certainly try! :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. You mean I should get my hair done for BlogHer? Damn!

    See you there.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'd like to go to BlogHer someday. Just as soon as I get over my paralyzing fear that no one will talk to me. Maybe next year I'll follow you around like an annoying puppy?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Have fun and DON'T FORGET THE CAMERA. (See, I'm being helpful!)

    Can't wait to hear all about it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. WORD.
    to allllllllllllllllllllllll of that.
    i mean, i don't have kids to worry about and i'm not staying at the hotel BUT commuting both days to the conference has me wiggin' out simply bc i am NOT fond of driving in NYC AT. ALL. so i've been studying my google maps print-out like it's the Torah and i'm about to be "mitzvahed".
    in short, if at any point you want to duck out of scheduled events and drown yourself in spirits rather than be faced with the crushing anxiety of social interaction with strangers, i'm with you...

    ReplyDelete
  11. OWO: Now if only I could pack you in my suitcase...

    steff: Dude. I've been emailing my phone number to strangers all week. Can't remember if I sent it to you...but the answer is YES I'll be ducking! Let's rendezvous! IMMA email you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Your passive-agressive nature is badass in a polite way.

    Have fun at Blogher.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Can't wait to find out how it went! I LOVE your writing! Keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Your passive-agressive nature is badass in a polite way.

    Have fun at Blogher.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You mean I should get my hair done for BlogHer? Damn!

    See you there.

    ReplyDelete
  16. hahaha..so glad I came over from i can't remember where. "mentally prepare for social interaction w/o the aid of alcohol."

    this is one I'll be using...can't wait to hear how it goes. ....

    ReplyDelete