But before I begin, I want to be sure you don't get the wrong idea: it was a totally FUN trip. Lots of NICE people. I just wasn't fully prepared for the fact that mostly everyone else had brought their Xanax. (I didn't. In case that wasn't clear.)
It's the opening day of the conference, early Friday, and much of the attendees are gathered in this large ballroom eating muffins and awaiting the keynote. After getting my badge, I tried to locate TwoBusy and HomeandUncool by blowing up their phones with DM's and such. They're at the breakfast. Right. Ok. DEEP BREATH. I can totally do this!
TB: C'mon up to the breakfast. You can join us for bagels and scowling.
Me: Which breakfast? Newbies or established elite? Do I look for the blue crustacean?
TB: Three tables in front of the RH camera.
At this point, I'm all, The fucking Real Housewives are here?! Jesus. I mean, his recaps are good, but I didn't realize they were now working him into the storyline! He lives in Massachusetts for chrissakes! So I start to look for the camera that is bedazzled with rhinestones and smoking unfiltered cigarettes. Much to my dismay, there are TWO cameras, neither looking overly tanned.
Me: I don't know who I'm looking for. Find me? Looking lost...standing near a camera.
(Of COURSE I had no idea RH meant right-hand. I'm a jackass, remember? In fact, TB used it the next day during our second attempt to rendezvous, and I was all, "what is UP with these RH/LH codes?!", finally just assuming his fingers must get spazzy when he's nervous.) Anyway, I stood there, continuing to scan the crowd frantically. A man got on the microphone and told everyone to take their seats because shit was getting started in like minutes. God, THE PRESSURE. At about this moment, I started to notice the eyeballs. These people? These bloggers? At the conference? They're actual HUMANS! And they were trying to make eye contact! At this point, it didn't matter whether they were looking at me because they liked my necklace or because I had a booger hanging out of my nose. The problem was that THEY WERE LOOKING AT ME. I was done. Next tweet:
Me: Holy fucking claustrophobic social distress. Retreat! Retreat!
In the end, I hid out in the corridor by the food. After accidentally flinging food at someone's leg, nearly dumping coffee all over my MEETNEWFRIENDS! outfit, and suppressing my nervous farts, TwoBusy & HomeandUncool walked right past me. In their defense, I was probably under a table or something. It was a day later before I eventually found them. Which. Is probably good, seeing as I thereby attached myself to their calves with locked arms and legs for the duration of the conference.
They were quite gracious.
Stay tuned for the next installment of my trip to NYC where I tell you about how, as a representative of BlogHer11, I insult the locals and eventually flee for my life.