Monday, August 9, 2010

The Bastard of the Ball

Well, here comes my recap of BlogHer10, guys. And if you're already sick of hearing about BlogHer, then don't worry, because I AM TOO.  Why?  Mostly because it invokes the kinds of feelings of embarrassment and regret that climax with me in the fetal position, rocking myself to sleep.  The good news is that much of my experience can be summed up in this brief anecdote.

But before I begin, I want to be sure you don't get the wrong idea: it was a totally FUN trip.  Lots of NICE people.  I just wasn't fully prepared for the fact that mostly everyone else had brought their Xanax.  (I didn't.  In case that wasn't clear.)

It's the opening day of the conference, early Friday, and much of the attendees are gathered in this large ballroom eating muffins and awaiting the keynote. After getting my badge, I tried to locate TwoBusy and HomeandUncool by blowing up their phones with DM's and such. They're at the breakfast. Right. Ok. DEEP BREATH.  I can totally do this!

TB: C'mon up to the breakfast. You can join us for bagels and scowling.

Me: Which breakfast? Newbies or established elite? Do I look for the blue crustacean?

TB: Three tables in front of the RH camera.

At this point, I'm all, The fucking Real Housewives are here?! Jesus. I mean, his recaps are good, but I didn't realize they were now working him into the storyline!  He lives in Massachusetts for chrissakes! So I start to look for the camera that is bedazzled with rhinestones and smoking unfiltered cigarettes.  Much to my dismay, there are TWO cameras, neither looking overly tanned.

Me: I don't know who I'm looking for. Find me? Looking lost...standing near a camera.

(Of COURSE I had no idea RH meant right-hand. I'm a jackass, remember? In fact, TB used it the next day during our second attempt to rendezvous, and I was all, "what is UP with these RH/LH codes?!", finally just assuming his fingers must get spazzy when he's nervous.)  Anyway, I stood there, continuing to scan the crowd frantically.  A man got on the microphone and told everyone to take their seats because shit was getting started in like minutes. God, THE PRESSURE.  At about this moment, I started to notice the eyeballs. These people?  These bloggers?  At the conference? They're actual HUMANS!  And they were trying to make eye contact!  At this point, it didn't matter whether they were looking at me because they liked my necklace or because I had a booger hanging out of my nose. The problem was that THEY WERE LOOKING AT ME. I was done.  Next tweet:

Me: Holy fucking claustrophobic social distress. Retreat! Retreat!

In the end, I hid out in the corridor by the food. After accidentally flinging food at someone's leg, nearly dumping coffee all over my MEETNEWFRIENDS! outfit, and suppressing my nervous farts, TwoBusy & HomeandUncool walked right past me.  In their defense, I was probably under a table or something.  It was a day later before I eventually found them.  Which.  Is probably good, seeing as I thereby attached myself to their calves with locked arms and legs for the duration of the conference.

They were quite gracious.

*****

Stay tuned for the next installment of my trip to NYC where I tell you about how, as a representative of BlogHer11, I insult the locals and eventually flee for my life.

11 comments:

  1. I, for one, can't wait to find out what happens.

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  2. Wow. Do I feel bad about all those bad things I told you about Texas now.

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  3. Your therapist will be sooo proud.

    At least you went.

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  4. Considering it was a convention of bloggers, and considering how many bloggers blog because they prefer it to face-to-face interaction, I'm willing to bet you were not the only person in a mental fetal position at the big gatherings.
    Was Xanax not in the swag bags?

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  5. Never suppress nervous farts. That causes cancer.

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  6. TB: I hope you've got a good lawyer. These are things...that cannot be unknown.

    AH&UC: I didn't want to bring it up, but I've been having nightmares about abandoned towns ever since.

    Ed: Baby steps. Like the agoraphobics do.

    DP: You would THINK, right? I feel like I may have been the only one hiding under tables. I hear Xanax will be making a solid representation next year. In my luggage.

    Cat: Cancer for me or CERTAIN DEATH for those in close proximity. I have a hard time making that call sometimes.

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  7. "Holy fucking claustrophobic social distress. Retreat! Retreat!" I'm gonna have to steal that line. Because it's kinda like you described my life on a bumper sticker. *fist bump*

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  8. Jeezus, you're bringing my first conference experience back to me.

    If you need me, I'll be the one in the corner sucking my thumb.

    (Great meeting you!)

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  9. *sigh*
    i am really, make that REALLY, upset that i was too stupid/clueless to check/know how to access twitter from a mobile device so that i would have seen your tweet and we would have saved each other from the crippling anxiety-filled hell that BlogHer can be when you're a misanthropic newb. like, REALLY.
    knowing that you were ALSO at the bloggess session makes me think we probably stood next to each other (while avoiding eye-contact OBVS) at some point during the weekend and didn't even know it.
    i can affirmatively say that i did learn a lot... of what NOT to do at BlogHer. hopefully i will be better prepared next time.
    IF there is a next time...
    i still haven't fully recovered from the failure that was this one yet so only time will tell.

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  10. Oh, this would be me, supressing the nervous farts and all...except I couldn't , cuz of 3 kids and all, that muscle's kinda weak.

    One of the best recaps of BlogHer. Thank you.

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  11. *sigh*
    i am really, make that REALLY, upset that i was too stupid/clueless to check/know how to access twitter from a mobile device so that i would have seen your tweet and we would have saved each other from the crippling anxiety-filled hell that BlogHer can be when you're a misanthropic newb. like, REALLY.
    knowing that you were ALSO at the bloggess session makes me think we probably stood next to each other (while avoiding eye-contact OBVS) at some point during the weekend and didn't even know it.
    i can affirmatively say that i did learn a lot... of what NOT to do at BlogHer. hopefully i will be better prepared next time.
    IF there is a next time...
    i still haven't fully recovered from the failure that was this one yet so only time will tell.

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