Monday, May 3, 2010

Momma Always Said to Wear Clean Knickers*

Today I learned that there is a reason why I have so few friends, and apparently it all boils down to my crotch.

I mean, am I old fashioned to think that it's not such a bigfreakingdeal to flash your crotch to your unsuspecting neighbor, and possibly her infant child?

The thing is, SHE came over to say hello. It's not like I was putting myself out there. I *know* I'm prone to such spastic behavior. But I'd been planting flowers for like 16 days yesterday and so she came over to see if I'd heard "all that cursing come from my front yard."

"Must've been the cats," I told her.

But before I continue, you'll need some back story. Because, yesterday, at about hour 3 of my 16 days of planting, when The Hub was all, "did you put on sunscreen?" I was all, "well, I mean, I wanna get *some* color."

In the end, I was (am) red like rocket, complete with speckles of white where the dirt had stuck to my sweaty, unshaven legs. I mean, I wanted COLOR, not PATTERNS.

Fucking sun apparently has a Tim Gunn complex.

Anyway, when she came over, I started getting twitchy right off the bat because she's super social and I'm a hot, medicated, socially-anxious mess. So after about 30 seconds, I pretty much ran out of things to talk about.

So I lifted my dress to show her my sunburn. And, um, my underwear.

I mean, at least I *think* I showed her my skivvies, based on her pained grimace. (They were *clean* for the record.)

Thank *god* my son ran into the road and nearly collided with a school bus. I think he did it to save me from the awkward silence after the I-just-showed-you-my-undies-how-does-that-make-you-feel-? moment.
Love that kid.


*My mother NEVER told me this. In fact, I think she used to spew some shit about "saving money" and "we can't afford detergent."


  1. Oh, my mother told me that. Cuz you know if you got hit by a car and wound up in the hospital God forbid your undies weren't clean.
    Wear your sunscreen!!

  2. My motherfucking cats always get me in trouble with the neighbors too. Goddamnint.

  3. You're like the best neighbor ever. She should be thanking her lucky stars she lives next to you and not "weird lady who puts the garbage out without wearing a bra and then asks the neighbor boys if they want to play a pick up game of basketball who may or may not be me".

  4. If only we lived closer to each other. I would stop over on a regular basis just to see what you would do next.

    And then we could share our anxiety medicine.


  5. At least you weren't commando. Life might get really interesting then...and by life I mean, stories the neighbors tell behind your back!

  6. You ARE lucky that your kid almost got hit by a bus! WHEW! You don't hear many parents say that!!! Nice one! ;)

  7. You were just being neighborly.

    Geez...some people.

    This all reminds me of a song Mr.Rogers used to sing at the beginning of his show. Although, he skipped the part about crotch shots.

  8. Awesome. I wish we were neighbors. I'd totally bring you drinks and baby oil if you wanted to curse in the front yard and get color.

    Also? "Crotch shots" should totally be like body shots, only taken from the crotch.

    Like, you lie on a bar, spread your legs in the air, and put the shot glass in your hoo-ha. Then, the person taking the shot has to take it with his mouth.

    What? WORD.

  9. If it's any consolation, I get socially weird around super talkative kids too. Weird little creatures.