The banner and layout before you has been months in the making. And clearly, I had no hand in the matter. I don't think Microsoft Paint comes with Godzilla images.
It all started when I made a casual comment on how I loved Captain Dumbass' new header. What happened next was a conversation I can only imagine resembled how the early Mason's chose the next President...OF THE WORLD. Or you know, a normal person trying to get through to a common idiot.
Me: DUDE! (Yes, I say dude. In real life. Now my kids do, too. Heh.) I love your new header!
CD: Thanks. I know some people.
Me: Um, yeah, I know people TOO, Dumbass. (That IS his name, guys.) Are you making fun of me, you goddamn bully? It was just a fucking compliment.
CD: No, I'm trying to be discreet here. I mean I know PEOPLE.
Me: Jesus, Dumbass. I'm not into threesomes, ok? Especially threesomes with the mafia. This is inappropriate. And while we're at it, I'm not a fan of Donkey balls*, either. Or vaginas**.
CD: Do you even know who I am? You're thinking of SMUK and Mayopie, I think. I'm the guy who does cool lego reenactments and has my children hold inappropriate-yet-hilarious-so-it-kind-of-cancels-itself-out signs.
Me: Ok. I'm confused. I hope I've at least communicated that the mafia is not my thing. Though, I still like your header.***
He abruptly stopped talking to me, but a few days later I got an email from HIS PEOPLE. The rest is, well, plastered all over this here site. And on my Twatter page. And while this artistic goddess does not yet have a page that I can link to (so that you can throw praise, money, and male strippers her way), I'll let you know when she does. Because she was a freakin' saint (Her: So, what are your ideas? What would you like to see? Me: I'm sorry, "ideas"? I'm not familiar with this term.) In the meantime, I was planning on begging you to [REDACTED] so I could [REDACTED] before they send me MY GODDAMN CHECK and then I could send her some hush money because I hear that's what you do with PEOPLE, but then I heard about this brouhaha where apparently that's all against the rules. [HENCE ALL THE REDACTED-ING]
So you know, [REDACTED]. *wink* *cough* *fart*
In the meantime, be sure to check out my other blog, which I'm pretty sure gets about 0 traffic. Other than me, checking to see if anyone has commented. Besides, this week I tell you how I taught my son to curse. It's a tearjerker. Don't say I didn't warn you.
*For the record, I love donkey balls.
**Still not a total fan of vaginas, however. Good thing Mayopie doesn't have one, I suppose.
***This conversation never took place. Dumbass' lawyers made me disclose this. Also, maybe his wife.