Saturday, February 6, 2010

Then He Said, "You Can Release My Finger Now"

I don't really know where to start, but maybe I should just start crying. It seems to work in therapy.

How 'bout my wrist? Because, really? Yes. I am about to write a post about my wrist. And just like that, I've lost my twenty-something readership.

(But my WRIST! ::whine:: It hurts!) Did they come back?

I'd like to tell you that this was the result of a fantastic sports injury that involved me miscalculating that parallel bar after having pole vaulted my way to the gym.

But that didn't actually happen. Nor did I injure my wrist after having wrestled a burglar into submission using only a paper towel roll and a cat.

Nope. None of those things. Sadly, I just, um.....woke up. It's kind of like telling people that you threw out your back and now need surgery and OHMYGOD WHATHAPPENED?! Oh, I just sneezed. But this is way lamer. Because you have to wear this:

According to my doctor, there's a gang of cysts living in my wrist, and I'm getting kind of pissed because haven't gangs done enough damage to this nation already? Now they need my fucking wrist? All I know is that if they are tagging shit up, I am fully doing a drive by. Or at least flashing some rival gang signs. Or not. Because MY WRIST HURTS.

Anyway, even writing this post is getting e grouchy because OUCHOUCHOUCHOUCH. Especially after yesterday when the doctor was all,

"Does this hurt?"


"How 'bout this?"


"And this?"


Then he had me do this thing where I was supposed to squeeze his fingers except then he wanted me to stop, but I didn't realize that. So there was this awkward "Um, let go of me?" moment.

I hope I don't get sued for sexual harassment.

(Maybe we'll just stick with my wrist-story for this post.)


  1. I have no Cyst Gang but I was attacked by a wad of Clumsy Dumbassery yesterday when my pants fell off and I fell down on the curb (with cars WHOOSHIN' by) and sprained my wrist...

    Least it's not that...


  2. I hope I never get struck with hydrocephalus and have to resort to a life of crime because I can't go out in the daylight without making children cry.

    You should have just given him the cat. I bet that robber needs a friend.

  3. I rock a matching set of those bad boys while sleeping each night. It could be an indicator we need to spend less time on the computer....wait that's just crazy talk!

  4. i had those in my wrist and fingers! my doc said they call them bible thumper cysts because in the old days the docs used to get a big bible out and hit them really hard to break them up. he said if i was brave i could hit myself with a hammer. no could do. the good news is if you immobilize it long enough, it goes away. the bad news is they usually come back. fuckers. all that to say - i feel your pain.

  5. That's almost as lame as having to tell people that you hurt your wrist because you are on the Internet too much. But still it sucks really bad..never heard if wrist cysts before!

  6. I always like to think up dramatic and impressive ways that I really injured myself. It makes me sound so much more interesting. So next time I do something klutzy, I'm calling you to do up some pictures of me to explain it away.

  7. Oh wow, maybe you should just give people the made-up reasons instead. Makes everything seem more interesting; you could even throw in a superhero or two.


  8. Ooh, that's really gotta suck! But look on the bright side, at least it's not a gang of ants (not aunts because really, imagine a gang of aunts sitting on your wrist. not pretty) or a gang of fairies playing bagpipes. Now THAT would be annoying.

    Hope you feel better soon!

  9. My doctor has a similar procedure, but he makes me kiss his neck when I feel pain. That was okay when I was 13, but c'mon, I'm a grown up now. How embarrassing.

  10. Bedazzler? Have you heard of Vajazzle? Just wanted to share something I learned off another blog.

  11. My doctor has a similar procedure, but he makes me kiss his neck when I feel pain. That was okay when I was 13, but c'mon, I'm a grown up now. How embarrassing.