Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Don't Hire a Pervert to Do an Artist's Job

I'd been to this diner countless times before. Much of my teen-aged nights were spent devouring their cheese fries and gravy. But last night, when The Hub and I grabbed an impromptu meal at the local diner, I could hardly contain my excitement when the waiter lead us to our booth.

Why?

Well, because we had been seated next to the dick mural, people. As in, an ornate, wall-length mural. With a gigantic dick in it. At the local family diner. This was going to be the best date night we'd had in months.

Take a look at the evidence I captured. Do you see the bulge? It's about the length of his forearm, people. I can only imagine his back pain issues. Perhaps that's why he's smoking what appears to be the worlds longest (and droopiest?) joint. Who cares about elephantiasis of the dick when you've got marijuana! (I'm sure it helps some; I don't judge.)


Clearly everyone else in the picture is not fooled, however. The man on the boat is all, "Fuck this port! Anchors up! We can't compete with that dick!" And what about the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus? Mary's all, "Immaculate is best. Immaculate is best. Immaculate is best..." and Jesus is all, "Friend or Fiend?! FRIEND OR FIEND?!"

I'm pretty sure even the inanimate statue is perplexed.

By the time my BLT had arrived, I was starting to contain myself. And by "contain myself" I mean, starting to look more at my husband than the cartoon dick on the wall. The Hub was mildly amused and only slightly more embarrassed:

The Hub: "Where's the other profane part of the mural?"

Me: "You mean the dude with the camel toe?"

Yes, there were two gems in this diner. I was suddenly tempted to interrupt some old dude's dinner to get a capture of the other one. JUST FOR YOU GUYS.

The Hub: "Ah yes. The man-mel toe."

Me: "Mammal toe? Is that what you call a dude with a camel toe? Where would I be without you, darling?"

A man to my right, with visible gang tattoos, eyeballed me suspiciously. I smiled and nodded toward the bulge.

In the end, I was too interested in devouring my cheese fries to hunt down the man-mel toe. Or, rather, The Hub and I were too busy playing Mancala on our iPhones.

(Just give us some inappropriate artwork and a couple of gadgets and we'll call it an evening. Romance, my friends, is alive and well.)

18 comments:

  1. Why does it appear to start at his belly button?

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  2. I like mammal toe, but we always called it Moose Knuckle... But in speaking of Moose Knuckle, you always have to do the moose mating call every time it is mentioned... It makes for good diner conversation (and suspicious eyeballs from strange tattooed men) as well.

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  3. Classic reason why one should always carry a camera/camera phone with them.

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  4. I just loved this! I wonder if that diner has many customers? I'm going to track this painting down, for the sake of art, of course!

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  5. OK, I have had the worst day ever, and once again you make me giggle with your inappropriateness.

    A kindred spirit! In the words of the great Wayne and Garth...SCHWIIIIIIIING!

    http://aprylsmindshowers.blogspot.com/

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  6. Hopefully we'll see the other part of the mural in a future installment.

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  7. Wow. Ouchie. Mmmmm, cheese fries.

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  8. Nice catch! I love finding inappropriately perverted aspects of otherwise normal things. I have to say, the guy in the boat does look a little impressed, possibly jealous.

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  9. Hot damn! The only mural in my local restaurant is of some old guy with a cane chowing down on a cheeseburger. I want a dick mural. Why can't I have a dick mural? I think it's subconscious advertising. You see that schlong and you think "I'd really like a giant hot dog about now.

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  10. This is so funny. And it sounds like you guys had just about the cutest couple's date ever!

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  11. On the west coast we refer to said male labial condition as a "mangina".

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  12. This was a portrait I commissioned of myself but a famous amateur artist, and was obviously stolen and placed in your local cafe.

    And was made into a mural.

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  13. Stumbled on your blog, You made me laugh out loud with your mural story..... Great thoughts....

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  14. Stumbled on your blog, You made me laugh out loud with your mural story..... Great thoughts....

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  15. Hot damn! The only mural in my local restaurant is of some old guy with a cane chowing down on a cheeseburger. I want a dick mural. Why can't I have a dick mural? I think it's subconscious advertising. You see that schlong and you think "I'd really like a giant hot dog about now.

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