Monday, December 7, 2009

'Tis the Season to be Heavily Medicated

With all the treacherous blaspheming I've been doing lately, I think I'll show some restraint today with a nice, OCD-infused list. That's right, kids: no more picking on Jesus--just me. (That might be a good New Year's resolution, come to think of it. Therapist might disagree, however.)

Anyway, here's an update on my life. Try to remain seated. It's exciting shit.

1. I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that my new mustache trimmer is forcing me to break out with monstrous zits. So now I have to choose whether I'd like go around looking like a pre-pubescent teenaged girl or a hairy, elderly old woman. I haven't yet decided which is hotter. I imagine NOT having the upper-lip-hair gene would be hottest.

2. Last night as I was falling asleep, I realized that I was pretending to be J-Lo and giving an interview to a reporter about Perez Hilton. Like, I was having a conversation with an imaginary friend that included coherent questions and responses. With myself. As someone else.

This is what I do with my time, people. WHEN I'M NOT EVEN TRYING.

3. The other day, I was driving the kids home from Grandma's when I saw this truck on the road.


I was way more excited than my three-year old son who is kind of obsessed with trucks. As in, I totally took a picture with my cell phone. As in, maybe I clapped a little. So yeah, way more excited. The point here is that I haven't yet decided if this means I'm lame or if he is. I think it's me. (Refer to #'s 1. and 2.)

3. I had an appointment with a new shrink the other day and I was struck by the fact that he looks EXACTLY like the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I can't even tell you how remarkable it was. It took all my will power NOT to tell the man how much he looked like this nameless 80s icon. In fact, I was concentrating so hard on what not to say, that I forgot to pay attention to what I was saying. At one point I told him that the fact that he's booking appointments so far in advance must mean he's got a surge in clients. And, that's "great!" You know, for business. The business of crazy people.

(That includes me. He gave me a prescription.)

20 comments:

  1. If you're excited about that truck you should totally check out my post from yesterday. There was a lighted truck parade down the street from my house. I posted a video.

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  2. Sorry to go against the flow, but if that truck came down my street I'd pour Pepsi in his tank, and then wee in it.

    It's an advert

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  3. I would have been excited AND taken a picture too. It's ok.

    I love therapists. Need a new one. You should have told him so he could look at you in disapproval.

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  4. You SAW that truck????????? THAT is completely awesome!!!

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  5. but you're married...so does it really matter? zits or a 'stache?

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  6. It's the dark hair.

    You're doomed to a life of plucking, which isn't nearly as good as words the rhyme with that.

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  7. are there two number threes? or is that just me? i'm all distracted now. anywho, you TOTALLY need to tell him he looks like the principal! i can't even imagine something so cool. i don't even know *why* i think that's cool. now i feel awkward.

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  8. Do you have that nifty little gadget from Solutions dot com for your mustache? It's like a little coil, and you twist it over the offending areas and it YANKS out those nasty whisker-type hairs. My sister-in-law told me about it. I think Oprah mentioned it. Costs about $20. I love mine.

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  9. EXFOLIATE. Basically, sand paper the lip before tweezing hell and for 2 or 3 days after. TADA: No zits:)

    #3 F-ing rocks.

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  10. Ah the shrinks. They have no sense of humor. I hate shaving and my face has way more hair.

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  11. hey... where are you?

    that is all.

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  12. You seriously make my effin day

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  13. So in that moment, did your shrink almost look like Dirty Harry?

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  14. i want a new prescription for christmas too!

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  15. EXFOLIATE. Basically, sand paper the lip before tweezing hell and for 2 or 3 days after. TADA: No zits:)

    #3 F-ing rocks.

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