Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Nothing Says Christmas like "Unfaithful Whore"

The other day, my pal PetCobra posted a link to this hilarious dissection of a Christmas song. (Warning: clicking on that link will totally send you straight to Hell. There is dialogue that mentions "God" and "hand job" in the same sentence. With ILLUSTRATIONS.)

Anyway, it got me thinking of this one song that I want to stab in the thigh every time I hear it. (Which is quite often, unfortunately, because I'm already tuned in to that 24/7 Christmas songs radio station.)

(Shut it.)

But the SONG. Have you heard this one? It's called "Same Old Lang Syne" by this jackass Dan Fogelberg*. Listen, won't you? I DARE you not to laugh. Really. Try hard.



Right. (Though, special thanks must go to the slide-show aficionado that made this tasteless mocking happen today! Cheers!)

So, let's break it down for a moment. I'll lay out the setting for us all. It's Christmas Eve and we've got ourselves a married groupie and a washed-up singer looking for an open bar. Plus the six pack. And a car with steamed-up windows.



Can you feel the magic of the season yet? Alright, we'll keep going.

The toast to innocence? Does that do it for you? Oh. Well, probably because we've still got the unfaithful whore getting drunk with her music-man friend while her husband stays up late on Christmas Eve working pro-bono on that new Pediatric Wing at the community hospital. And the kids are all, "Where's Mommy with the milk for Santa's cookies, Poppa? She went to the store THREE HOURS AGO!"

Maybe if we listen a little, um, harder?

Ok, no. Let's just stop. Because when he tells me that their TONGUES were TIRED, I am suddenly mixing images of Jesus and soft porn. And that, my friends, is how you end up on the naughty list, I've been told. I know some people.



Ahem.

__________

*Whoops! Looks like Mr. Fogelberg has passed. Score one for the married architects of the world. No but really. That's totally mean and not in the spirit of Christmas. The infidelity, that is. Say hi to Jesus for me, Danny Boy.

30 comments:

  1. See you in hell. I mean, I was going Anyway, but I reckon now I'll bring an extra folding chair.

    Now, pass the Robitussin DM. Daddy's thirsty.

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  2. Well if all I have to look forward to in heaven is Buddha hand jobs, I want out.

    Dan Fogelberg needs to be dug up and told that he's a douchebag. I always like to celebrate my Christmas holiday with a completely inappropriate toast to innocence.

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  3. Please. Please don't get upset with me. I know we've had our differences in the past. But, please don't get upset with me.

    After reading this, I must say (after wiping tears of mirth and joy from eyes), I love you.

    In a totally non-creepy way.

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  4. Wow, I don't even know where to start, but I'm thinking Unfaithful Whore would make a great title for an Xmas song.

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  5. Of course Dan Fogelberg was a douchebag! He was a 70's soft rock singer! Someone had to make Kenny Loggins look manly...

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  6. Thanks.
    It's been YEARS since I heard that, and now I'm not going to be able to get that OUT Of my head for awhile. Perhaps another glass of wine will do the trick. And a straw...

    At least Dan Fogleberg told her that, "the years had been good to her." That's better than my ex the other day saying that I "looked tired".
    Loved the post!
    :-)

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  7. I HEART you sooooooooooo much right now it hurts in my pinky toe!!

    P.S. I love your new look!!

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  8. the song wouldn't end! it's still going.. i am commenting before it's done. i can't take it!

    L did a vlog. yours better be next.

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  9. Dan Fogelberg makes me think of Fogel from "Superbad". Except that Dan Fogelberg is the Anti-McLovin. Not sure where I'm going with this, other than Dan Fogelberg made Seals and Crofts look like Metallica.

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  10. Awww shit! This is funny!
    I am now a follower, because I need to piss my pants from laughing just a little everyday!

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  11. My brother and I have agreed that we're going to open up our own Comedy Club when we're in Hell.

    We'll save you a seat in the front row.



    PS.

    I love the new layout.

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  12. It should probably be combined with the 12 Days of Christmas...changed to 12 Methods of Whoredom.

    http://booshy.com

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  13. cIII: There's folding chairs in Hell?! SWEET! (I drank all the DM. Sorry.)

    ImnotBenny: Clearly I've been misinformed about this "innocense" nonsense for years.

    Apryl: And now YOU are now officially my favorite.

    TIM: Aw, Tim. That was a completely appropriate comment of praise. I'm proud of you. Or concerned about your meds. Either way, we're solid, my friend!

    Captain Dumbass: I'll be the vengeful wife in the video. You can be the washed-up musician. Deal?

    LL: I still confuse Kenny Loggins, Kenny Rogers, and some other guy who is probaly a figment of my imagination. I think this makes me what the elderly folks call a "whipper-snapper."

    f8: I had an ext tell me that I was only fun to be around 20% of the time. That's why they're exes. Because they're unintentionally wry. Bastards.

    Whit: As I said before. I want to apologize for hurting your feelings. And then point and snicker a little bit.

    Jules: Pinky toes are all deformed anyway. Just cut it off and you can love me PAIN FREE!

    J: There's a song about songs that never end...but I can't start singing it because it just goes on and on, my friend. I'll start singing it, not knowing what it was, and continue singing it forever just because...it is the song that never ends...SHIT.

    Jason: I'm not going to google Seals and Crofts because I'm lazy. But I think we can both agree that Fogelberg was in dire need of a stage name.

    BlackBird: Sometimes I piss myself just from sneezing! HAHA! Wait...

    Steve: Aww yeah. As long as there's no two-drink minimum. Hell would totally pull that kind of shit.

    Jessica: Not a bad idea. Though, I feel like the video for it may already exist somehow.

    Bella: Thanks! Much kinder than "Heathen" or "Hack" and such.

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  14. Oh good god. That Patten Oswald thing is... Well, his stand up comedy is scary enough WITHOUT the animation!

    And yeah, I think softcore porn might just be "naughty list" material. Just maybe!

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  15. WHO are you? And where have you been all my life?

    Although, I have to say, you make me feel like a total asshole because I LIKED Dan Fogelberg.

    And Seals & Crofts. And Stephen Bishop. But, you know, it was . . . what? 1978?

    Yeah. I really am THAT old.

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  16. I will never forgive you for the Jesus cartoon.
    Why is it when people animate Jesus, it always looks like its about to lock you in the basement, forcefeed you greasepaint, and then skin you alive?

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  17. Yeah, I'm totally confused and scratching my head on this one... WTF?

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  18. I was literally looking for a gun to shoot myself with in the first minute of that song. But then I realized I could just turn off the sound and read the lyrics. Whew! Crisis averted.

    Then I was waiting for the old BJ in the backseat of the car bit. Which never happened! This song is a cocktease. Alls I'm sayin'

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  19. This is so funny! Thank you. Jesus Christ. I even had the record, before you were born.

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  20. I've always thought that song was the least Christmas-y song on the planet. I felt sorry for him in the song and then even more sorry when I found out he'd died. Nothing like loneliness and death to get you in the Christmas spirit.

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  21. This is so funny! Thank you. Jesus Christ. I even had the record, before you were born.

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  22. I will never forgive you for the Jesus cartoon.
    Why is it when people animate Jesus, it always looks like its about to lock you in the basement, forcefeed you greasepaint, and then skin you alive?

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh good god. That Patten Oswald thing is... Well, his stand up comedy is scary enough WITHOUT the animation!

    And yeah, I think softcore porn might just be "naughty list" material. Just maybe!

    ReplyDelete