Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Camel Toes Make Me Sentimental

Okay, so a grand SIXTEEN of you voted in my poll, which is simultaneously hurtful and embarrassing. It's a good thing I don't consider this blog the center of my support structure and emotional stability. That's what my, um, "friends" are for. Got lots of those. You know, friends.

Ahem.

So, the poll. I'm totally not kidding about this Sexy People business. The only thing is that the REAL prize gem--the one I'm certain would get published--is one of my brother and I in matching holiday sweaters when we were like 15ish. It's a forced, friendly pose with awkward tilting of our heads to avoid glasses glare. No joke. I believe there's some haze in it, too. But as I said, my BROTHER is in it. And I was just about to email him to request he build a game-computer for my kids in exchange for living too fucking far away and missing their first years of life. The picture thing international scandal might cancel out all that guilt I plan on piling on.

In the meantime, I found a few other gems. The fact that you want to see them ahead of time kind of defeats the purpose of a grand reveal, you numbnuts. But I think if I doctor them a bit with my amazing "PhotoShop" skills, I can maintain some sense of intrigue. Let's have a look at this spectacle:


Dear Lord. I am so sad for my former self. I tend to think of her as a young, innocent child that needs a nice hug, some reassuring companionship, and perhaps the BRAVO channel on her cable lineup.

(Try to ignore the garbage that I'm sure we were supposed to bring outside after my mother made us pose for this endearing first-day-of-school shot. Lovely, mother.)

But on to the bullet points:

A: The hair? Permed. And kept in place with a padded, suede headband. And you better believe there's some White Rain hairspray working that forehead bump.

B. This t-shirt was bought to match (as opposed to coordinate with) the jeans. And, uh, headband, evidently. I remember, however, that it was not the exact same color. So it pretty much just looked old and faded. The absence of shoulder pads, however, should be noted as a major milestone. I wish I were kidding even a little bit.

C. Neon pink backpack with a single strap. I had have trouble letting go of the 80's. I was probably a little disappointed that my spandex-neon-pink-cropped leggings no longer fit. Because yes, I totally owned a pair. They looked really rocking paired with my orange Harvard t-shirt.

Moving along...

D. Listen, I was totally young and innocent so don't even get all giggly because it looks like I have a camel toe in my pink denim jeans. That would be WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE. It's totally just because of the pleating. And the high waist. And the fact that they were giving me a wedgie. They appear to have been freshly pressed, however. Surely that cancels out the fact that they went up to my boobs. (I still cannot BELIEVE my mother let me go out like this.)

E. The poorly executed tight-roll. Tsk-tsk.

F. No, they're not clown shoes. I just had really big feet back then. And insufficient arch support. There may have been a brief stint with planters warts, but let's not go there, okay?

So, in summary, taking a look at my awkward middle-school years gives disappointing previews to my awkward middle-aged years. OR, my mother had no idea what camel toes were and I've been in and out of therapy ever since.

But really, why the hell am I doing this? Posting these humiliating pictures of myself for everyone to point and laugh at? Mostly, I'm not sure and I like to waste time. But also there is part of me that thinks that this pays some serious homage to that young lady up there. She was way cooler than she ever thought she was.

Even with a camel toe. And especially with a neon-pink backpack.

(You can hold up your lighter now.)

23 comments:

  1. Holy crap, you moved the furniture around in here and painted! I'm digging it!

    So I, too, was a tight roll wannabe. My friend Eric's dad wouldn't let Eric do the tight roll because he thought it was a secret sign that meant "I do drugs", like all of us used the tight roll to hold our stash of pills inside our pants and we'd sound like a bunch of maracas running around all day.

    I honestly think that the what makes the picture an instant classic is the garbage. I'm going to go listen to some Bananarama now.

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  2. You had really big feet back then? What about now, they shrunk? Hah.

    I used to make girls cry in school by calling them waterskis.

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  3. What's up with the shirt? Not the color but the way it's pulled all over to one side there. Were you twisting your jeans on?

    Anyway, I voted. I'm your friend. I guess. But, this is fantastic break down and analysis of your first day of school wardrobe. Kudos.

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  4. i didn't even realize there was a poll. BAD BLOG FRIEND!
    anyway ... uh ... you're brave. so so so brave to post this picture, haha.

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  5. i had those same keds!! they always looked best with a tight roll, well done.

    and i like bro's neon orange watch.

    ps. nice digs! see, you can be a good hostess when you want to be :)

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  6. I think we were so much more awesome than we thought!

    This is great!!

    .....your brother used both straps....doesn't that make you cooler?

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  7. You're definitely way cooler than your brother with the one strap swagger. And thank god your feet were only that big in your teens. Can you imagine what it would be like if you still had those big feet today? (Spoken by someone who has size 12 feet.)

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  8. Aw, used to love those high-waisted pants. And did we say, or even think, "camel toe?" My daughters say it all the time now (no, not about me).
    You were adorable!

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  9. This post made me pee my pants a little not gonna lie.

    As a fashion victim *cough* of the 80's myself who could have easily been mistaken for Punky Brewster a time or two, I feel your pain.

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  10. I remember those pants. They were drom the Limited, weren't they? The Outback Red collection. Ah, memories.

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  11. Dude. That's you TODAY isn't it? Just admit it and things will be cool. :)

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  12. That letter D looks suspiciously like it's ringing a damp patch.

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  13. You could totally have used a cuchini.....you gotta look that shit up it's AWESOME!!!

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  14. Don't feel bad. I had a mullet AND a Kevin Bacon Footloose.

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  15. i know someone who always has camel toe. so bad that it looks like it would be work to pry it out. now here is my observation and question. We all can see it. Can't you FEEL it??

    missed you K...

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  16. i'm pretty sure the camel toe is to thank for holding onto our v-cards longer than the girls do these days.

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  17. You ever listen to the Bob & Tom show, syndicated nationwide? Or online? They did an excellent song several years ago about Camel Toes to the tune of Kokomo by the Beach Boys. Track it down. You'll laugh . . .

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  18. You've got kind of a Jennifer Grey in Ferris Bueller outfit going on...I would've sought you out for fashion advice had I gone to your school.

    I think I'm developing adult-onset camel toe. My mom has it pretty bad, I guess it's genetic.

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  19. You've got kind of a Jennifer Grey in Ferris Bueller outfit going on...I would've sought you out for fashion advice had I gone to your school.

    I think I'm developing adult-onset camel toe. My mom has it pretty bad, I guess it's genetic.

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  20. i know someone who always has camel toe. so bad that it looks like it would be work to pry it out. now here is my observation and question. We all can see it. Can't you FEEL it??

    missed you K...

    ReplyDelete
  21. I think we were so much more awesome than we thought!

    This is great!!

    .....your brother used both straps....doesn't that make you cooler?

    ReplyDelete