Well, the other day I had a moment that seemed to suggest that if we are not cosmically related, then maybe his antics are actually contagious.
(In summary, either we're super awesome, or I'm Not Benny needs to be quarantined.)
Right. So, this weekend I noticed that a neighbor had put out some furniture by the road with a FREE sign attached to the grouping. At first, I didn't look too closely; we've pretty much got enough shit to sit on around here.
But on my way back from the store, I realized that the chairs they'd set out match our dining set perfectly. Who doesn't need some extra chairs? FREE ONES?!
I told my mother to remain behind since the kids were asleep and generally, it's good for children to remain supervised. There were only three chairs. SURELY I could manage that on my own.
Well, getting a grip on three pieces of furniture is remarkably challenging, as it turns out. For me, anyway. I weaved some fingers around two chairs and grabbed the remaining one with my left hand. After about five steps, I realized that this was a stupid, stupid idea as my hand was simultaneously feeling broken and asleep. Should I set them down and reposition?
No. Of course not. Instead, I started to run. It seemed better to just get the whole ordeal over with. It's kind of weird to be taking someone's stuff, anyway, right? What if he came out proclaiming, "WE'VE CHANGED OUR MINDS! THAT WAS GRANDMOTHER'S FAVORITE!"
So there I am, jogging down the street with someone else's dining room chairs clanking about my thighs, all the while muttering "ouch, mother fucker!" under my breath. It was at this point that I think I heard the neighbor shouting behind me to see if I wanted some help. Perhaps THIS made me stop? Pause? Reposition?
Nope. Not a chance.
I was too far gone people. Too. Far. Gone. So I kept running down the road, up my driveway, and directly into the garage. Where I hid until I was certain he went back indoors.
I should let you know that later, my mother decided she wanted the table. THIS predicament involved a neurotic dog, a FREE sign taped to my mother's back, and more nervous, hurried shuffling while fingers broke free from our hands.
This time, we were caught red-handed:
Neighbor: Hey! The dog was going crazy in here...need some help? I think I saw you with the chai--
Me: [Clearly needing help. Also, denying/ignoring association with chairs.] Oh, I don't think so! Gosh, this feels silly, huh? I'm not stealing am I?
Neighbor: [Noticing sign taped to my Mother.] Is she free, too?
Mother: [Nervous laughter.]
Me: [Nervous laughter.]
Neighbor: [Awkward, forced laughter.]
Me: [Thinking I can make a quick exit with a 200 pound table and an ailing mother.] Alrighty then! Thanks so much for the stuff! See you around! [Hurried shuffle. Mother complaining. Me biting at her under my breath.]
[After moving about 3 inches.]
Neighbor: Yeah...you SURE you don't need some help? I mean, I can...
Me: Nope, good as gold! Thanks! [To mother, whispered] Get a damn GRIP woman; let's MOVE it!
Listen, my mother's strong-like-bull so don't get all weepy on me. Plus, it's good to work for something that's free, right? Don't want her to grow up just EXPECTING things to be handed to her! But, really, the neighbors are moving soon, so I'll be in my garage until the whole thing blows over. Could someone check on the kids for me?