Monday, November 2, 2009

Maybe PUNCHINFACE Shouldn't Be My First Instinct

There's a lot to love about being a parent. The newborn months, the pregnancy itself, and the days when your kid first starts learning to walk...

Wait, strike that. Those are the shitty parts.

But whatever, I'm not about to start complaining about why parenting is HARD. Instead I'm going to tell you that Halloween is indeed a cursed, wretched holiday, and maybe these Jehovah's Witnesses are onto something after all.

Here's Plus One exactly one year ago...moments before he left the house to go collect candy.



Here he is upon his return. With an extra lip. Also? Mute from being utterly terrified by those dicks up the street. But I'm RESTRAINING myself on that one.



Ahem. Moving on.

Here's Plus One two days ago. Again, moments before embarking on his candy-collection.



And, while I'd like to show you an image of the AFTER, I was too busy MOPPING UP THE BLOOD to remember to get a picture. So here's my recreation:


Click to enlarge. And to note spelling errors.

And really, this is the only reason why parenting ever sucks. Because shit like that happens.

Kid: [Innocent, pristine, full of freaking butterflies and sunshine.] I LOVE HALLOWEEN! THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY EVER!

Parent: [*swoon* *pride* *freakingbutterfliespeople*]

Kid: [*TRIP* *CRASH* *CRIES* *WHYISTHEWORLDSOCRUEL* *MAYBEI'MDYING*]

And in the end, you can't even punch life in the face for it all.

(Candy, though. Candy does remarkable things.)

10 comments:

  1. Maybe Halloween costumes in the future should consist of foam rubber helmets and nothing more.

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  2. I suggest that you start a grass roots movement to destroy every coffee table in America because thet hate children. When I was 23 or so, I was playing with my ex's son who was four at the time and I tossed him onto the couch, which is when he bounced back up into the air, which is when my mind took a snapshot of how his face looked that I still remember, and then he landed on the coffee table. Then he cried and I bought him a pony.

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  3. Precisely, TIM. I'm thinking mummy. *Lots* of gauze on the face, and maybe incorporating a pillow.

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  4. I have at least three scars on my head from battles with coffee tables in my youth. When Meg learns to walk we are going Moroccan and just having pillows on the floor.

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  5. NotBenny: Dude, I was piled that kid with so much candy, you could only vaguely see his ears.

    Libby: T9 is starting early, too. He's barely taking steps and already bloodies his mouth on a regular basis. The other day, I didn't even see/hear it happen. I just picked him up and when he smiled, it suggested CAGE FIGHTER.

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  6. I'd be more concerned about Hub in that outfit!

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  7. And at YOUR kids' ages, they don't even realize that you've taken THEIR candy!!!!!

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  8. Aw how cute...the friend's nephew who used to watch Baby Einstein with me was a dinosaur for Halloween too.

    When I was young and I hurt myself and started crying, my mom would hit whatever household object it was that I ran into, fell and bumped, etc. Like as if she was punishing it for hurting me. HAHAH I guess it worked because she said I didn't cry much as a kid.

    But I'm sure you were too concerned with the blood to be spanking the coffee table. Try it next time.

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  9. Maybe Halloween costumes in the future should consist of foam rubber helmets and nothing more.

    ReplyDelete