Thursday, November 5, 2009

Maybe I Need Conservatorship. Like Britney.

The other day I went shopping for new eyeglasses. If you recall my recent trip to the ophthalmologist (Or is it optometrist? Whatever.), it didn't end so well. I was finally able to establish that I am incapable of wearing contacts--ever. I just didn't know it was because my EYEBALLS are dirty.

So much for those daily alcohol washes. I guess wine doesn't go to the eyeball, eh?!

HAHAHA! Heh. (I don't really drink. Maybe I should start.)

Right, so it took me about six months to realize that no, people would not be able to tell that my eyeballs were in fact dirty (unless you announce it on the Internet). So I finally went to pick out some new frames when I got my updated prescription. But this was the first time I'd gone by myself for such a monumental purchase. I'd have these badboys for the next five or ten years, likely. Could I trust myself with picking out ones that didn't make me look like Sally Jessie Rafael? (The answer to this, sadly, is "no" because the Asian women behind the counter had to calmly but firmly remove the red plastic frames from my hands before I made the connection.)

So I decided that I would take pictures of perspective frames and post them to Twitter. Surely an audience of relative strangers with a predilection for sarcasm wouldn't steer me wrong.

At the store, I browsed through the rhinestone-studded frames, the rimless (TWSS?) frames, and evidently, the SJR frames. When I finally found a "maybe" pair, I walked up to the mirror and took a picture as some of the other patrons silently mocked. The picture took, but then my phone, um, crashed.


It's the highschool nightmare come to life, people. My face broke my camera. Naturally, I took to Twitter to find solace. Or just publicly announce my humiliation. No one really responds to me on Twitter:



So I was left to reflect upon my hideous features and--more importantly--choose my frames BY MYSELF. I picked out a pair after an hour of indecision and trying to decipher if the nice Asian lady was telling me that she loved them or if they were, um, "rough." (No really. Still not sure.) I get them next week. I'll post a picture then and you can let me know.

17 comments:

  1. I love the frames in the picture. Very Lisa Loeb - they kind of look like mine, so of course I think they're awesome.

    Also, your jawline is totally kick ass.

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  2. Maybe you were trying to break your camera? I mean, you have that intense concentration expression going on, and it reminds me of the expression George Clooney has on HIS face in that trailer for the movie where he kills that goat with his mind. Is your phone made out of goat? Cause in trailer, that goat totally dropped dead.

    So, you know, if your phone is made out of goat, then you might have super powers, and that's pretty cool.

    Oh yeah, I forgot the point of this: I liked those frames. :)

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  3. Shoulda gone with the rhinestones because sparkles equals fancy! The picture looks like maybe it was taken backstage at Lilith Fair. Is that a compliment? I'm pretty much an enigma.

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  4. Those frames make you look smart. Like someone who could have fixed her cell phone with nothing but a gum wrapper and some Moxie.

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  5. My buddy, the Brewing Optometrist, assures me that Optometrists are being trained as Opthamologists, thus eliminating the confusion within the next few years.

    However, Optometrists check your eyes out. Opthamologists do surgery on your eyes. Soon enough, they'll be one in the same.

    Oh, and your glasses? Totally look great. Your looks? Also, totally look great. Freakishly large hand? An artifact of the lens.

    Did you mean to underline your boobs, or was that just a happy accident when you were writing out "fashion sense"?

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  6. Miss Yvonne: I've been emulating your style for some time now. I'm glad you don't want to sue me.

    NotBenny: I was trying to pretend I was SO COOL that it in fact WASN'T dorky for me to be taking my picture in an eyeglasses store. I don't think it worked very well. I didn't end up getting those frames, but something similar. Hopefully you're not all "OH. Those are ... nice, too" when I post 'em.

    Kurt: I think maybe you called me a lesbian, which is not necessarily insulting to ME, but probably all the dykes. Good going, Kurt.

    Libby: I'm all about images. The kind that suggest me to be something kind of like a MacGyver figure.

    TIM: What does he have to say about eyeball filth? And yes, I underlined my boobs to point out that they do exist.

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  7. Exactly why I rarely take pictures of myself with my camera... I paid way too much money for it to treat it so shamelessly!

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  8. "...you try to give away a keeper or keep me because you're so scared to loooooose. and you say...."

    awwww...i like them. don't listen to the dumb ol camera phone.

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  9. Either get the laser surgery, or wear a monocle!

    How awesome would it be if you wore a monocle?

    How much are glasses anyways? $200? $1000?

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  10. Those glasses say, "I could be a VP candidate or a SNL cast member, but you'd still do me."

    I totally would, too.

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  11. TWSS. I thought I was the only one that said that. (Using initials I mean)

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  12. Kristine, you look hot. Sometimes the truth is just the truth. Maybe your phone couldn't take it. :)

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  13. CatLady: Well, I really want an iPhone, so maybe this was my subconscious trying to speed up the process.

    J-Face: Don't get me started on my stalker, Lisa Loeb. Bitch has been on my case for YEARS.

    Mr.C: I don't really mind wearing glasses at this point. And I'd probably look funny without them. Think about the people you know that wear glasses all the time...then picture them without them. NAKED.

    Ed: Thanks for the compliment. I'll try not to let it make our friendship awkward.

    Dr.Z: I can't tell if you're joking. But I'm pretty sure I stole that from like the 50,000 other people that do it. You know, the cooler people.

    Sally-Sal: I cannot handle the truth, lady. And neither can my phone.

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  14. Wow - You're pretty. I'm not sure we can be friends anymore.

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  15. Such a funny post! You have a knack for sarcasm :) I really like your frames, they make you look like a sexy librarian!

    ~Elizabeth
    http://confessionsfromaworkingmom.blogspot.com

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  16. Sorry. I can ask him about eyeball filth if you'd like. Usually, I can squeeze in some eye-related questions between fart stories.

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  17. My buddy, the Brewing Optometrist, assures me that Optometrists are being trained as Opthamologists, thus eliminating the confusion within the next few years.

    However, Optometrists check your eyes out. Opthamologists do surgery on your eyes. Soon enough, they'll be one in the same.

    Oh, and your glasses? Totally look great. Your looks? Also, totally look great. Freakishly large hand? An artifact of the lens.

    Did you mean to underline your boobs, or was that just a happy accident when you were writing out "fashion sense"?

    ReplyDelete