Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I Make Faces Better Than I Write


"Ermm." That kind of looks like what I'm feeling, but it's a bit too guttaral. Also, dweeby. I wish I could just make face for you because that would describe my mental state much better, and I'm totally fucking awesome at making faces. In fact, I've spent much of my life thinking I should be in the entertainment industry for this talent alone. I'd make some great album art. I could do videos, too. I've always been pretty good at signing to my mirror and flailing my arms around while pouting seductively.

Clearly, I need to get into this video-blogging business. In the meantime, I am feeling "ermmm" because I have SO MUCH to tell you, but NO TIME. So you get a list. Of half-pieces of information. And half-sized humor. Also, annoyingly short sentencs.

1. Holy SHIT my reunion was NUTS. But I'm not sure who reads this (or how much I can tell you). So I'll tell you EVERYTHING anyway. There was a possible sham of epic proportions (read: can you un-do gay?), the Nautica chick was TOTALLY there (dodged that bullet with some remarkable cowering and lip-quivers), and they definitely showed some random chick's "music video" which looked remarkably similar to porn and made me exclaim with glee. (Kind of like Rudolph would if he got some free nose tweaks at a bar.)

2. Nancy at f8hasit made me her follower of the week. Which was totally nice and everything. However, now I feel pressure to write something funny for all the people she's sending over and FUCK ME because I ate too many cookies and I can't write good when I'm farty.

3. My baby turned one. ::sad face::
My baby turned one and is now THAT much closer to crapping on his own ::happy face::

4. Someone sent me a text the other day that had a number I was supposed to call to get some free gift cards for Black Friday. I never shop on Black Friday and I barely knew this person. Naturally, I called immediately. It was a porn line, people. Bitch texted me a fucking porn line.

5. My friend was telling me this story the other day and it was SO hillarious that I'm stealing it, but it's okay to steal it because she doesn't have a blog and we'll just pretend it was me anyway. Ready? Here I am, stealing a story:

So the other day I was feeling a little hoarse after my reunion and I was a little nervous that maybe I was getting sick. So I grabbed some of that Airborne shit from my duffle bag. I didn't really feel like going all the way downstairs for water and I hate that fizzy medicine taste, so I just popped the whole tablet in my mouth. I didn't think it'd be a big deal. Whatever.

Well let me tell you, it's totally a fucking big deal. That shit started like foaming up like a mother and tasted like a foaming mother. It was entirely too turbulent--like Pop Rocks on PCP. Naturally I was kind of annoyed by this turn of events and tried saying "What the fuck?" but my mouth was too foamy. But I am so much more hardcore than foam, so I tried to tough it out and resisted getting any water.

Well, it turns out that foam is totally more hardcore than I am but only because it's so fucking gross and I let it win. Besides, no one can tolerate that much PCP, even if it's not really PCP and more like disgusting medicine that's been administered improperly. So, I eventually put it in a glass of water and it wasn't all that bad.


(Did that make the post better? It works pretty well in the cartoons my kid watches.)


  1. I thinjk I can kick foam's ass. Great post. Nancy has not been wrong yet when recommending a good read.

  2. You are ALWAYS funny so you don't EVEN have to try!
    I'm glad you had fun at your reunion (you definitely looked like you did in your picture.....)!!! ;)

  3. I don't even know what to say here. Cookies make me fart, too?

  4. I only write good when you are farty. It's pretty much a Law of Physics that I just made up.

  5. Dude! All your friends in that pic have some serious jaundice.

    What kind of sickly reunion was this?

    Farty. Bad times.

  6. It's hilarious how people will actually stick an Airborne tablet straight into their mouths.

    I was out studying with my roommates one evening. One happened to be sick and the tablet was too big to fit into her water bottle, so we told her to just stick it into her mouth and let it dissolve. We didn't think she would have listened to us, but since two of us are pre-med she trusted us. We screamed and told her we were just joking.

  7. So was the porn like Thanksgiving porn?

  8. Yay! Happy Thanksgiving!!!
    I found your blog through Nancy's blog. Don't worry, you're funny just the way you are. Read a couple of posts and I'm lovin' what I'm readin'. Come visit me:

  9. Ha!
    Airborne as PCP! I'll have to try that, or not try that? Yeah, I'll just take their word on it. I foam at the mouth regularly anyway. We don't want to freak anybody out more than they already are when they see me...
    Great post. (and you are welcome...)
    Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

  10. the real gold in this is the faces you drew on the reunion pic. the mean face made me laugh a lot, thank you for that :)

  11. I only write good when you are farty. It's pretty much a Law of Physics that I just made up.