Eh, I'll try anything once, right? What I've done, then, is taken the aforementioned pretentiousness (pretention?) and attempted to suss it out. (Did I use "suss" correctly? I'm not British. But that seems like the perfect time to use the term "suss." Radiohead used it once so it must be cool. Go ask Mr. London.)
Right. On with it then...the sussing:
1. On my designer jeans.
I know. EW. You're totally vomiting from the classism already. Last week, when I was on the Mantime show, I was asked about my stance on designer jeans. And I was all, "Oh em gee, boys, I'm a design-label WHORE" except I said it totally differently and really just rambled on about the ass-pockets and how pretty they are. The truth of the matter is that I own a few pairs of such jeans, but that exactly two of them have holes in the thigh-crotch region as a result of my thundrous thighs eating away at the fabric over the past few years. And I still wear them. I just keep my legs crossed and stuff, because that's classy which goes ahead and cancels AGAIN the un-classiness.
Where does that leave me? Right. As a chubby woman who thinks jeans will make her look slender as her thighs scream for mercy. Lovely.
2. On my trip to the nail salon
I also recently built up this party/event thing I went to in an effort to make me look glamorous, but also, pretentious. Well, you know what I mean. Maybe. Anyway, I went to get my nails done because the fungus on my toes looked like maybe it needed a little more than just a chisel. When I got there, I was totally out of my element and I totally ordered some special pedicure that I was certain was going to come with a happy ending. I spent much of my time in the chair wondering how to say "No, thanks!" politely, but FIRMLY in Korean. Or maybe it was Vietnamese? I don't know the difference; I'm pretentious, remember?
So, I totally spent $45 on my nails, but I totally gasped when I got the bill and promptly smudged one of my fingers as soon as I got to my car. In conclusion, would you call a cursing, over-spending, smeared woman pretentious?
Oh. Well let's move on to the last suss, then.
3. On being a blogebrity. Or having 100 followers.
If you recall, I have this love-hate relationship with that "followers" button over there. I love (in the loosest sense of the term) each and every person that has (been begged to) clicked that button, but my obsession with the number is unhealthy. Sure I'm not a therapist, but I can pretty much hear her voice in my head constantly. Which is an example of something that IS totally healthy.
Anyway, now that I'm all famous with over 100 followers and stuff, I'm wondering if I should UP the pretentiousness (pretention?) a bit. Like, am I supposed to badmouth other bloggers now? Join the anti-mommy-blog network? Stop responding to you in the comments section? Talk about my traffic and ad revenue?
Well, first, I find it more fun to badmouth myself, so I doubt the first will happen. And while there's a wave of hate spiraling about the Internet, I kind of dig Mommas, even if I want to stab their writing in the eyeball. And I'm too self-absorbed to stop responding to your comments, though if I had traffic and ad revenue, I would TOTALLY be smearing that in your faces. You can count on that one.
I'm not sure how that one boils down, but it might be less "pretentious" and more "delusional" or "in need of anti-psychotics."
So, how was that? I'm not sure what the final verdict is, so I've made a pie chart. If you could crunch the numbers for me, that'd be great.
Either way, I feel refreshed. But just in case, I'm thinking about doing something silly and I'd like your feedback on the matter: Have you heard of the site Sexy People? OF COURSE YOU HAVE! Me suggesting you haven't and then smirking pompously is so PRETENTIOUS! Anyway, I'm totally thinking about submitting an old school photo of me to that site What do you think? Vote in the damn poll!