Monday, November 16, 2009

I Doth (Dost? Doest?) Protest Much

You're in for something completely different this week, folks. You see, over the course of the past week or two, I've been finding myself in situations where I've said, "Well, that makes me sound pretentious." And I've heard that these kinds of situations are good for self-reflection.

Eh, I'll try anything once, right? What I've done, then, is taken the aforementioned pretentiousness (pretention?) and attempted to suss it out. (Did I use "suss" correctly? I'm not British. But that seems like the perfect time to use the term "suss." Radiohead used it once so it must be cool. Go ask Mr. London.)

Right. On with it then...the sussing:

1. On my designer jeans.

I know. EW. You're totally vomiting from the classism already. Last week, when I was on the Mantime show, I was asked about my stance on designer jeans. And I was all, "Oh em gee, boys, I'm a design-label WHORE" except I said it totally differently and really just rambled on about the ass-pockets and how pretty they are. The truth of the matter is that I own a few pairs of such jeans, but that exactly two of them have holes in the thigh-crotch region as a result of my thundrous thighs eating away at the fabric over the past few years. And I still wear them. I just keep my legs crossed and stuff, because that's classy which goes ahead and cancels AGAIN the un-classiness.


Where does that leave me? Right. As a chubby woman who thinks jeans will make her look slender as her thighs scream for mercy. Lovely.

2. On my trip to the nail salon

I also recently built up this party/event thing I went to in an effort to make me look glamorous, but also, pretentious. Well, you know what I mean. Maybe. Anyway, I went to get my nails done because the fungus on my toes looked like maybe it needed a little more than just a chisel. When I got there, I was totally out of my element and I totally ordered some special pedicure that I was certain was going to come with a happy ending. I spent much of my time in the chair wondering how to say "No, thanks!" politely, but FIRMLY in Korean. Or maybe it was Vietnamese? I don't know the difference; I'm pretentious, remember?

So, I totally spent $45 on my nails, but I totally gasped when I got the bill and promptly smudged one of my fingers as soon as I got to my car. In conclusion, would you call a cursing, over-spending, smeared woman pretentious?

...

Oh. Well let's move on to the last suss, then.

3. On being a blogebrity. Or having 100 followers.

If you recall, I have this love-hate relationship with that "followers" button over there. I love (in the loosest sense of the term) each and every person that has (been begged to) clicked that button, but my obsession with the number is unhealthy. Sure I'm not a therapist, but I can pretty much hear her voice in my head constantly. Which is an example of something that IS totally healthy.

Anyway, now that I'm all famous with over 100 followers and stuff, I'm wondering if I should UP the pretentiousness (pretention?) a bit. Like, am I supposed to badmouth other bloggers now? Join the anti-mommy-blog network? Stop responding to you in the comments section? Talk about my traffic and ad revenue?

Well, first, I find it more fun to badmouth myself, so I doubt the first will happen. And while there's a wave of hate spiraling about the Internet, I kind of dig Mommas, even if I want to stab their writing in the eyeball. And I'm too self-absorbed to stop responding to your comments, though if I had traffic and ad revenue, I would TOTALLY be smearing that in your faces. You can count on that one.

I'm not sure how that one boils down, but it might be less "pretentious" and more "delusional" or "in need of anti-psychotics."

*****

So, how was that? I'm not sure what the final verdict is, so I've made a pie chart. If you could crunch the numbers for me, that'd be great.

Either way, I feel refreshed. But just in case, I'm thinking about doing something silly and I'd like your feedback on the matter: Have you heard of the site Sexy People? OF COURSE YOU HAVE! Me suggesting you haven't and then smirking pompously is so PRETENTIOUS! Anyway, I'm totally thinking about submitting an old school photo of me to that site What do you think? Vote in the damn poll!

11 comments:

  1. You should switch to designer accessories. Can't wear a hole in sunglasses and handbags! I don't think...

    You know, it's funny about the follower thing. I didn't care until I actually started getting up there in the triple digits. Now I'm all "why the eff am I stuck at 119, that number sucks". I'm so ashamed.

    P.S. - I voted for the fart thing because I was compelled by the word "fart". I grasp every immature opportunity that comes my way...I think it's a young mother hang up. My actual vote is "let's see the picture first".

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've done the nail smudge thing more times than I care to remember...
    I should just do them at home and smudge them myself. No one I know would know the difference.

    Oh, except that I get about 45 minutes of pure blissful silence whilst I'm there.
    Is the use of whilst pretnetious?

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Aw, thanks for the name check! But there's nothing cool about Radiohead since they lost the tunes and the plot around the time of Kid A. Besides, who wants to hear Thom Yorke wailing away like a cross between a wonky-eyed stroke victim and a car alarm?

    Yes, now you're in triple figures you should start slating other bloggers and mommy blogs in particular. I know I did. Unless you saying this is a way of subtly slating bloggers like me who get into triple figures and... in which case well done!

    ReplyDelete
  4. My dog decided that it was a good idea one day to chew a hole in the ass pocket of my not only designer jeans, but brand new designer jeans. I just patched it up with my mad seamstress skills and continue to wear them to this day. It doesn't get classier than that...except I forgot to mention that while wearing these jeans, perfect strangers will often come up to me, poke me in the ass and say, "what's that?" as if they've never seen a patched up butt and I STILL continue to wear them...OK, NOW, that's as classy as it gets...

    ReplyDelete
  5. You DIDN'T get a happy ending for $45? You need to find a new salon. AND bring your new Passion Toys with you next time.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wait, are you saying that you are a celebrity once you hit 100 followers???? Holy crap, I am totally famous and didn't know it!

    ReplyDelete
  7. OWO: I've ruined purses, so I'm thinking I just need to go cold turkey. I also think I'll start a Followers-Obsessive support group. Wanna be the VP?

    Zibbs: Do I at least get a fucking t-shirt? I feel cheated.

    f8: I think there's a fine line between classy and pretentious. I think "whilst" is classy. Along with "fucking" and "Jesus H Christ!"

    Mr. London: Anything clever I did is completely coincidental.

    Harna: That's when you tell them that they're CUSTOM.

    Jules: I have no idea what you're talking about.

    Miss Y: You are totally bragging, aren't you? But, yes. Fame. Isn't it obvious over here? Tell me, how are you dealing with the paparazzi? You meet Rob Pattinson yet? I found him to be a bit uptight, that one.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I know it's "Thou Dost", but fuck me if I know how to use that with "I" instead of "Thou".

    Also, just do what I did: buy a t-shirt that says I <3 Hot Moms. I don't know what that will do for your followers, but I guarantee you'll get lots of "So do I's" from gas station clerks.

    ReplyDelete
  9. My dog decided that it was a good idea one day to chew a hole in the ass pocket of my not only designer jeans, but brand new designer jeans. I just patched it up with my mad seamstress skills and continue to wear them to this day. It doesn't get classier than that...except I forgot to mention that while wearing these jeans, perfect strangers will often come up to me, poke me in the ass and say, "what's that?" as if they've never seen a patched up butt and I STILL continue to wear them...OK, NOW, that's as classy as it gets...

    ReplyDelete