Monday, November 9, 2009

Chuck Norris & Too Much Lipstick (Somewhat Unrelated)

If you're not up on the Twitter, there's a lot I need to update you on.

1 a. Firstly, you should get up on the Twitter.

1 b. But also, something monumental came into my life the other day. I was driving along on my way to pick up my new specs when I saw a sign that would change the course of my life this blog my day's schedule the following Tuesday.

That's right, kids. CHUCK NORRIS is coming to town TOMORROW! Like Santa, but with less fat and more roundhouse kick.

Right now, the plan is that I will go and get one of his fancy new books and have him write something awesome on the inside cover. THIS has finagled me another appearance on the ol' Mantime Show. I'll have a chat about my life-altering experience with the Norris and possibly tell the tale of how I tried to hug him, but was detained by military officials and sent to Guantanamo Bay for a few hours before the Norris himself came to avenge my injustice.

Or maybe just how I took his picture and stuttered awkwardly.

Anyway, I'll be giving away the book on the Mantime Show (date TBA), which I plan to have him address to "Schmoopsie." So, if that's your name--or you'd like it to be *wink* *wink*--then stay tuned for details on the giveaway.

2. Okay, next we've got the premiere of my new specs! My son was asking to take my picture last night because I'm a stunning, lovable subject because he likes electronic gadgets and things that flash. So he took this:


Which is clearly unacceptable. So I told him that this kind of artwork just does not cut it in this world unless you're a drug-addict or a trust-fund baby. Which, I might add, Plus One is NEITHER. So he took a deep breath and channeled his toddler-angst for the hipocrysy of the modern art world. The result:

He's going places, that kid. But really. What about the specs? You love? The Hub hates, but he's a man of routine. As he scowled at my face the day I came home with them, I smirked and told him to say something nice. He responded, "They look expensive." I'm not sure this was a nice thing, since he has access to our bank account records.

3. LASTLY, I was mentioning--again, on Twitter...why are you not there?!--that I went to a big fancy party this weekend. One where they cut a cake with a sword, attendees wore fancy suits (and some, even blue hair), and the paparazzi followed my every move. It was hard not to pick my nose, I'll tell you. It gets really dry in November.

No, but I really didn't take many pictures because I invited my friends, one of which is a professional photographer with Magnum Photos. So, why the hell would I bother? That's what I pay him for I'm friends with him for! Heh. But the fact that I wore makeup and had BIG HAIR is something I cannot keep from you. So here's a glimpse of the awesomeness:


No, but really. That doesn't even LOOK like me. I never wear makeup! So go easy...I'm laughing at myself...but only on the outside. Inside I'm vexing my lipstick choice and love for hot roller curlers.

So, lets finish with a shot of us on our way home, exhausted from staying up until 11pm on a school night. This another picture I'd initially put up on Twitter (catch my drift?).

I love it because it highlights my new sunglasses, the stunning beauty of the region in which I live, and our area's curse of punkass fucking kids:

PHEW. Am I done talking now? Christ, I'm long-winded sometimes.

I feel like I need to recap:

1a. Follow me on Twitter.
1b. Chuck Norris book giveaway on the Mantime Show. Stay tuned for details.
2. I got new glasses. Fawn or make fun at your will.
3. I went to a party, danced to Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, and wore too much makeup. This is why I tend to stay indoors.

I rock, clearly. *TING*

18 comments:

  1. Chuck Norris doesn't need a bunch of special agents to protect him. He's going to kick your ass for the mere mention of this.

    But, your glasses look very nice. I like them. Despite what your husband might say, you're a very pretty lady. Especially with the big hair.

    Even if this doesn't put me on the inside track to the book giveaway, I still mean it. Honest. Really. Fine, don't believe me. *pouts*

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  2. The glasses rock ass. Though I imagine Chuck will make some comment about how you look too girly and all . . . Just catch him off guard and slap him across the chops. He'll dig it, before he kills you. Good luck!

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  3. TIM: To clarify, The Hub thinks I'm pretty, just not the glasses. But even then, I think he's just seeing dollar signs and not the cost of beauty.
    Also, I hope Norris doesn't break them. :/ And tune in when I'm on that show and you'll have your chance, Schmoopsie.

    CoG: My goal is to NOT die, here. I just hope I don't accidently sweat on him or something.

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  4. Chuck Norris said he is gonna marry me so I can get you lots of signed copies of stuff. Well, ok so maybe I will just pretend we are married and it will really be my forged chuck signature but whatever. Same difference.

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  5. The glasses complete the MILF package.

    Chuck Norris RULES!

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  6. I like them! I wore glasses for years myself, and for whatever reason (three surgeries) my eyes have mostly come to a point where I don't need them anymore. But I still kind of want to start wearing them again, just because I miss having something to fiddle with. You know, for dramatic effect. Seriously, think about it. How many situations do you encounter where the effect of taking off or putting on your glasses would enhance the situation? Look out for them and try it, you'll love it.

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  7. I don't need to win the prize now that you've called me Schmoopsie. *starry-eyed*

    Hubs should ignore the dollar signs and just start referring to you as his dirty little secretary. Or something like that. As long as it makes up for saying your glasses looked expensive.

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  8. With facebook, my blog, multiple myspace (myspace blows) pages (one for me, another for my craftiness and another for my awesome gang)I don't think I could possibly have one more thing to remember a password for.....I have yet to be sucked into the world of twitter, but if I were there, I'd totally follow you.

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  9. Look how pretty you are all glammed up!! (Did that win me the book?)

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  10. Be honest, I saw you mouthing the words to Miley Cyrus too.

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  11. I dig them. Your glasses have the Imnotbenny "Sure, I'll look at a face wearing those" seal of approval.

    In other news, your son is going to be an artist. Like a picasso kind of artist where in THIS day and age people will be all "meh", but in years to come they will be all "looks like art to me. I'll pay a billion dollars for it."

    So that's pretty sweet.

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  12. Your glasses are sexy and Hubby know and fears that CHUCK NORRIS will think so too and that's why he doesn't like them.

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  13. Come on... no mention of your hot shoes?!

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  14. Aw, you're so cute!!

    Thanks for reminding me about my new glasses. I made sure to get an eye appointment done before I graduated since I didn't think I was going to find a job and was going to be without any type of health insurance. I got these metal frame ones that make me look all scholarly and smart, and what not and now I can't find them.

    ... wow I SERIOUSLY can't find them. I hate looking for things when I can't see (took my contacts out.)

    I'm with Martin. How can you not talk about shoes!??

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  15. But wait...people cut cakes with SWORDS? Really? Where have I been? Why have I not witnessed this? Oh right. I don't ever go to fancy places. I'm not allowed. I'm not allowed on the furniture either but that was an accident...

    I think your new glasses look ROCKING. How could he not like those? They suit you magnificently. I wear reading glasses and think I look all goddamn Tina Fey cute. But really I look like a deranged librarian serial killer.

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  16. But wait...people cut cakes with SWORDS? Really? Where have I been? Why have I not witnessed this? Oh right. I don't ever go to fancy places. I'm not allowed. I'm not allowed on the furniture either but that was an accident...

    I think your new glasses look ROCKING. How could he not like those? They suit you magnificently. I wear reading glasses and think I look all goddamn Tina Fey cute. But really I look like a deranged librarian serial killer.

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  17. I don't need to win the prize now that you've called me Schmoopsie. *starry-eyed*

    Hubs should ignore the dollar signs and just start referring to you as his dirty little secretary. Or something like that. As long as it makes up for saying your glasses looked expensive.

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  18. Chuck Norris doesn't need a bunch of special agents to protect him. He's going to kick your ass for the mere mention of this.

    But, your glasses look very nice. I like them. Despite what your husband might say, you're a very pretty lady. Especially with the big hair.

    Even if this doesn't put me on the inside track to the book giveaway, I still mean it. Honest. Really. Fine, don't believe me. *pouts*

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