Wednesday, October 28, 2009

(Well it's Not Like I'm Making Fun of the Jews)

WARNING: This post may appear to be making fun of religion. And well, I--okay...it kind of is. But really, the religion part is being played by the role of innocent bystander...I'm more making fun of a solicitor, you know? So let's just think of it that way, instead. Because, really, it's OKAY TO LAUGH at serious things sometimes. ESPECIALLY RELIGIOUS SOLICITORS.

Ahem. Now, let's begin.

Have you guys ever heard of this FreeCycle thing? It's a listing where you can either get free shit that someone doesn't want anymore, or give away your shit instead of tossing it in the trash. You know, good for the environment and everything. Except, I totally use it because I'm lazy. You see, I COULD lug my old clothes down to the Salvation Army. Or I COULD try to sell my impulsively bought purses on eBay.

But I'm too fucking lazy.

So, in summary, you can use it to be GREEN, or you can use it to be LAZY. I like things with options.

Anyway, The Hub and I recently went through all our books, trying to organize them. I tried to persuade him into the Dewey Decimal system...I had the label-maker all fired up and everything. But he rolled his eyes and uttered something about "archaic systems" and "being a dork."

So I wept silently instead and pulled out my old pregnancy books. Since I'd recently given away all my maternity clothes, the books were now also unnecessary. Later that night, I put the listing on FreeCycle and within a few days, my books were on the front porch waiting for some lady to come and pick them up.

When I came home later that afternoon, I saw the books had magically disappeared. And I didn't even have to DRIVE anywhere! Ahhh...I love being LAZY GREEN! I walked over the the bench where the books had been and saw a little note.

It read [Ahem]:
Kristine,
Thank you very much
for the books. I just
wanted to give you
a gift in return.
I really enjoyed
this magazine about
families, [sic!] I hope
you do to [sic!!].
Truly,
[Redacted]
Me: A GIFT! FOR ME?! Well, eh...a magazine? For me? I guess that's kind of like a gift...but, this feels more like newspaper...and...wait...what the hell...what IS this? This isn't a fucking magazine! Where's the fucking Robert Pattinson headline!?

But, then I heard a chorus of people in my ear telling me that I'm a bitch and stuff, so I repressed my urge to shake my fist at the heavens for such a SHITTY GIFT. Ask not/want not or something, right?

So I took a moment to look past this "MAGAZINE"'S nauseatingly quaint cover. And I browsed. There were lots of stories about families that have found success. Sure. That's great stuff. Who doesn't want this? Of course I want my family to be rich and famous! (Wait, is that not what you meant? Whatever...I'll keep reading.) Just then, this one story about divorce caught my eye:

Okay, now it's very hard for me to suppress the bitch and keep up with this BE NICE crap. I was totally going to give you the benefit of the doubt, SOLICITOR LADY, but since when does ANYONE think divorce is EASY? Or, um, COOL to do because it's ON TV?! Are we talking about married people or teenagers, here?

Moving along. Next, I discovered that PORNOGRAPHY is DISTURBING to CHILDREN. HA!? Did you know that?! Fuckin' A!

Also, Chuck Norris is in the hizz-ouse. And he is fucking yelling at me. Presumably because my family is not successful. Or I'm not, you know, AWAKE.



So, in summary, WHAT THE HELL? I gave you tons of free shit! And you repay me by suggesting my family is unsuccessful and that I can't wear my fucking awesome boots anymore?! AAAAND, you get Chuck Norris all riled up about the porn? What's WRONG with you people*?!

Sigh. I guess I just give off that heathen vibe. What can you do, eh?

__________

*Clearly, by "you people" I am referring only to Chuck-riler-uppers. Not Jehovah's Witnesses. Those people are pleasant and thoughtful I'm certain.

10 comments:

  1. And THIS is why Hubby and I do the battery taste test thing in private AND just sit our unwanted goods in the alley out back.....

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  2. Dude...Chuck Norris is the gift that keeps on giving.

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  3. I'm sorry...what part of this was "making fun of religion"? You pointed out their head-in-the-sand way of thinking, that's all. And it was funny. And awesome. Fawesomenny.

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  4. And now she knows where you live? You are soooooo screwed.

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  5. If you could work those boots with Chuck's wrist bands that'd be two tonnes of HAWT.

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  6. 1) Bwuahahahahahahahahaha! *hauls fat pregnant ass off of floor, resumes typing* 2) We do FreeCycle, but in our area, all the good shit gets snapped up in like, five minutes. "Look, honey, a coffee table. Ooop, no, wait, it's gone." I'm sorry, I have better shit to do than babysit the listing page, frantically refreshing every 30 seconds. Get a life, people.

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  7. and just because you give off the heathen vibe...I will follow you. Plus, your funny.

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  8. and just because you give off the heathen vibe...I will follow you. Plus, your funny.

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  9. I'm sorry...what part of this was "making fun of religion"? You pointed out their head-in-the-sand way of thinking, that's all. And it was funny. And awesome. Fawesomenny.

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