I've spent the past few weeks stressing about this presentation I had last Friday. I'm sure you recall. (Well, CORRECTION, I spent the past few weeks obsessing about the HIVES my presentation would induce. Though, they're probably medically referred to as NERVOUS SPLOTCHES.)
So, Friday morning I leave about three hours earlier than I need to (really). You know, so I have time to stop for gas and coffee. And perhaps perform my car's 20,000 service tune-up, rotate the tires, and resuscitate any potential accident victims along the way.
Clearly the directions I printed out were compiled by a giant pile of shit, because they resulted in me getting off at the wrong exit (ALRIGHT, I take about 7.25% of the blame), accidentally getting back on the Thruway THREE GODDAMN TIMES, and resisting a very powerful urge to Tweet, "LOOK KIDS, THERE'S BIG BEN AGAIN" as I whizzed past my destination ON THE HIGHWAY. I very seriously considered parking on said highway and scaling the small fence and moderate brush that lead to the parking lot. Because, clearly, after 45 minutes, this was the only entrance I could find.
Until, of course, I found the normal entrance. And that worked out pretty well, too.
Now, I have to back up a bit to tell you that I had to pay $150 for myself to present at this thing. Why would they make their own presenters PAY, you ask? Well I wondered the same fucking thing! And I came up with these answers:
First, because I'm not employed so don't have a school to trick into footing the bill. Second, because, I don't know? I live in New York? But I told myself it'd all be worthwhile beacuse 1: it's impressive resume shit and 2: I'd totally get some awesome FREE SWAG! I mean, I read about all these bloggers and their conferences and I'm like, man, I want to go just to get all that fucking FREE SHAMPOO!
Yeah, well, those answers sounded great, but MY conference, people? The non-blogging kind-and-therefore-no-chance-of-free-advertising-kind? They gave me a fucking eco-friendly carry tote. WAIT--correction--they gave me TWO fucking eco-friendly carry totes. I got an extra one for PRESENTING.
I considered stealing a coffee mug from the hotel to make up for insult, but then I realized they were free to EVERYONE and just got even more pissed.
Anyway, I still had about an hour and a half to kill before I went on. So I wandered around the atrium, looking at the booths that all these publishing companies had set up. At first I was all, OH! HERE'S THE FREE SHIT! But then I saw a cash-register. So I stole something about dinosaurs for my kid.
Moving quickly, I found a bench near my presentation room and tried to look scholarly, employed, and supremely fashionable. It kind of worked. The following are excerpts of some exchanges I had:
"You know, the bus doesn't stop here! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Oh, hello...[stares at my
At 11:28, I addressed my audience.
ALL FIVE OF THEM.
"I guess that yoga class [Yes, really...they had a fucking yoga seminar.] is really stiff competition, huh?"
"Ok, let's get started, then!"
It didn't help that I was in the very last time slot on the very last day of the conference, either. Did they think I was going to lure people into staying? I mean, my boots WERE fucking hot, but still. Amateurs.
But anyway, that was it. The end. I did my schpeal and everyone seemed interested/awake/alive and then I went home.
It was so fucking anticlimactic. I kind of wanted to pull a Kanye.