Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Also, Burn JOCK JAMS CD (with fire)

I've been trying to work on my COOLness lately, because I'm pretty sure that it's directly correlated to my unfunny issues.

In doing so, I've compiled a list of some DO's and DON'Ts. Here's what I've come up with so far:

DO's:

1. Do get an online job. This makes you sound technologically savvy and hip, and not-at-all socially repressed, possibly grossly deformed, or utterly anxiety-ridden and ruled by your children's sleeping pattners. Ahem.

2. Do post pictures of yourself that in fact prove you're not grossly deformed or keeping children locked in the closet:


*TING*

3. Do highlight how awesome your children are because this will ultimately reflect upon you. Everyone knows that the cool gene is transmitted from the mother. Also, the chubby cheek gene, but whatever DARWIN. (Asshole.)

4. Do drop hints that you will be the first ever female guest poster at a previously male-dominated blog, without even having to fellate anyone.* (I know, the obvious joke, but it's not often you can use "fellate" in a sentence, and I am not the kind of person to let these life moments pass me by.)

DON'Ts:

1. Don't wrestle giant tents in a windstorm. In your pajamas. As your children watch. Also, the neighbors.

2. Don't add BITCHES! to the end of your statements. Especially when talking to colleagues. Or your mother. (Also, children.)

3. I suppose we can expand this to omit all "COOL" phrases from high school as a general rule. Because, let's face it, I'm freaking THIRTY and they weren't even cool when I was 18, drunk, and cellulite-free.

4.*Don't admit that you had to Google "verb form of fellatio"

Ahem.

27 comments:

  1. These are some rules to live by! lol

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  2. Wish I was cool enough for an online job like that!

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  3. I think anybody who pool-wrestles is cool, BITCHES.

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  4. Fellate.

    Just to help you.

    This ought to turn up some tasty google searches.

    Heh. I made a pun.

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  5. How fun it will be when your children are old enough to read your blog. Show and tell will be a hoot!

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  6. I am just so impressed that you used fellate in a sentence as well, that I'm...well, speechless.

    Sounds like you got the 'cool' thing happenin'. MInus the tent/pajama incident.
    :-)

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  7. pretty sure from that pose your baby boy will be President one day. Seriously, that's a massive badass sweater.

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  8. so i read the title of this post and immediately thought of the LFO cd you bought b for his birthday that one year :)

    guest posting is fun!

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  9. When did they make the "no bitches" rule?

    Does this mean it's no longer cool to show up at my Grandma's birthday dinner shouting "Let's get our food on, bitches!"

    "Where do you bitches keep the booze?"

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  10. I have a hard time not cursing in front of children. And then when I do, I curse because I cursed, so I curse some more then and a vicious cycle plays out, inevitably traumatizing whatever child happens to hear me. Hell I don't even know how to treat children like children. I speak to them and treat them the same as anyone else. They make me awkward.

    I shouldn't be allowed around kids, really.

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  11. TwoBusy: And color me unqualified!

    Court: I try to share what I learn so that others might also live cool-ly.

    CatLady: Art you trying to tell me that you're grossly deformed?

    BigGlasses: Wait...was that a backhanded compliment? Sigh.

    TIM: I knew "fellate" would bring you back around.

    Cortico: Dude, try not to point out my careless parenting! We run with the River Denial in these parts.

    f8: Story of my life, really. My coolness always canceled out with my fumbling. I'm pretty much a star football player.

    j-face: He is his mother's son...his goofy faces will always cancel out the cool (it IS cool) sweaters.

    Lana: I forgot about that! I found that mess in the $.99 bin! Does he still have it?

    NotBenny: It hit me hard, too, dude. And by "it" I mean Grandma's cane upside my head.

    HHH: See? We DO have something in common.

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  12. So, great. Can you give me something else to tack onto the end of my sentences? Bitches worked so well.

    Adorable picture.

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  13. I have three of those vest things and I never know how to wear them. They are just hanging in the closet, looking sad.

    Congrats on the dadcentric thing...and the not fellating thing.
    Excellent on both parts.

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  14. I just posted this list on my fridge. I'm sure to be cool now . . . BITCHES!

    *lowers head, consults list again*

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  15. OWO: I cannot. I'm still fumbling with it and often just give up altogether in the middle of my...

    erin: Mail them to me. Clearly I am a fashion DIVA. And thanks! (I think.)

    gina: My love! It does take practice...I also have mine on the fridge next to a picture of me in a bikini (okay, maybe it's just a monkey in a bathing suit.)

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  16. I should probably work on my coolness too. My three year old already has told me "you're embarrassing me".

    This post is a good start. Thanks.

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  17. Shit. Now you tell me not to add "Bitches". I'm screwed.

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  18. I really worried that the "chunky calf" gene came down through the mother too, but my daughter seems to have escaped.

    So not fair.

    (That baby is the cutest kid I've seen in forever!)

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  19. I'm trying to come up with a reason to say "See you, Fellalater!" and drawing a blank. I guess I'm just not that cool. Bitches.

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  20. um what's wrong with adding "BITCHES!!" to the end of your sentence? especially while wrestling a tent in your pajamas... but only if you win.

    you're added to my reader. i adore you already.

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  21. Tex: My mother actually said that to ME the other day.

    Jules: You and me both, kid.

    Vic: Freakin' spoiled kids. I'm bummed I didn't have a girl to curse with the post-18 cellulite curse.

    Kurt: Sorry. I don't write the rules--wait. Nevermind.

    Ginger: I hear it's too classy for us commonfolk or something. (The feeling is mutual.)

    CD: Abso-diddle-utely! (You can still use that one, too.)

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  22. um what's wrong with adding "BITCHES!!" to the end of your sentence? especially while wrestling a tent in your pajamas... but only if you win.

    you're added to my reader. i adore you already.

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  23. I really worried that the "chunky calf" gene came down through the mother too, but my daughter seems to have escaped.

    So not fair.

    (That baby is the cutest kid I've seen in forever!)

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  24. I just posted this list on my fridge. I'm sure to be cool now . . . BITCHES!

    *lowers head, consults list again*

    ReplyDelete
  25. I have a hard time not cursing in front of children. And then when I do, I curse because I cursed, so I curse some more then and a vicious cycle plays out, inevitably traumatizing whatever child happens to hear me. Hell I don't even know how to treat children like children. I speak to them and treat them the same as anyone else. They make me awkward.

    I shouldn't be allowed around kids, really.

    ReplyDelete