Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Well, Splinter My Timbers!

So, the Hub came home from work the other day and seemed unusually focused. I was in the living room with T9 as he hustled down the hall, his hand limply out before him, palm to the sky.

Me: What's wrong?

The Hub: Eh...well, it's just a splinter.

Me: [Unconvinced, perhaps mocking.] Want me to get a tweezer?

The Hub: No. I've got it. [Marches down the hall.]

A few minutes have passed when I hear the Hub's voice echoing down the hall. It seemed like the voice of pain twinged with frustration. But I'm all, really? Over a splinter? I make my way to the bedroom with T9 to investigate further.

Not a full 5 seconds am I in the bathroom when I am, well, ordered out.

The Hub: Please just leave me alone! [Self-control was evident, so I realized this was loose for KINDLY GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.]

Stunned, plotting my revenge, I head back to the living room where I begin a mental list of how much MORE pain I've EVER been in MY WHOLE LIFE and how in each instance--despite the fact that I may not have known him--I NEVER SNAPPED AT HIM. (Okay, maybe upon prodding, I could remember an instance or two...)

But remember, this was a SPLINTER.

I gave birth to babies, mkay? No drugs, kiddos. Just like that. I never even called him an asshole or any of that other annoying YOU DID THIS TO ME bullshit.

So, I mulled about, occupying myself while the clinking and clanking down the hall continued. At one point, the Hub even went into the garage to FETCH A TOOL, then went back to the master bathroom. My scowl never wavered.

Finally, he emerged. With an apology. Then he showed me this:


This? People, he cut his fingernail off to free a 2x4.

This looks much more painful than childbirth. And this is my public apology for all those mind-bullets I fired at him.

20 comments:

  1. I scream like a bitch when I get splinters... and that one looks like it would have had me in hysterics.

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  2. I think you're right- you married a bad ass.

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  3. What kind of tool did he use?

    Wait...don't tell.

    It will only add to the legend of your husband's splinter tale.

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  4. Whoa! That ranks right up there with paper cuts!

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  5. I'm thinking some type of tool that would clamp down on the splinter. Then I envision some sort of pulley system for dislogding the oak tree.

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  6. Ouch! That's just wrong yo.

    Jeremiah pinched his finger with some sort of tool at work yesterday and his whole finger is purple. Being a dude sucks.

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  7. OWO: I guess this means I'm really lazy or something, but I never seem to even be in the position to GET splinters, not to mention king-sized ones.

    NotBenny: This does seem to be the clincher of the matter. I'm not sure how I'll go about proving the same is true of him, however. Maintaining a kickass blog does not seem to have quite as much swaying power in this department.

    Texas: This is totally the beginning of a legend, isn't it? The story has already started to include numbness and duct tape.

    CatLady: Yeah, if the paper is the freaking diamond tipped stationary of the Jolly-goddamn-Green Giant!

    j (really? J?): You're probably not too far off, dude. I was thinking saw or chisel, but I hadn't factored in the weight of the tree.

    erin: Right? I mean, I practically faint if I bend my nail backwards. (But really, that shit sucks too)

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  8. I just got hot flashes and pain in my right big toe after readying that post and seeing that damn picture! I had ran a couple marathons last year that caused my toe nails to die and then not fall off but just sit there and wait for the new one to grow in. I don't know how many times I had to perform nail surgery on myself. No joke, surgery! There was one time in particular that I was at my aunt’s house and she came running into the bathroom after she heard my shit-fuck-damn screams! She begged for me to go to the insta-care down the road. "Fuck that shit! I'm gonna get this bitch if it kills me!" I screamed!

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  9. Yes, but can he remove a 2x4 to free a fingernail? I didn't think so.

    (also HOLYFUCKINGOUCH, YO)

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  10. Fine. Is that better? Geez, the things I do for you....

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  11. OUCH!!! That photo made me cringe and my nails retract up to my underarms in horror.

    Although, I'm sure childbirth is just lovely too.

    One needs to know what "TOOL" we're talking about here? Did he saw it off? File it? Pliers? Dear God, not the pliers.

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  12. Eeeks. That almost looks like it should have required an ER visit.

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  13. Damn! That's gonna hurt for like a week!!!!!

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  14. Fine. Is that better? Geez, the things I do for you....

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  15. What kind of tool did he use?

    Wait...don't tell.

    It will only add to the legend of your husband's splinter tale.

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  16. I scream like a bitch when I get splinters... and that one looks like it would have had me in hysterics.

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