Monday, September 21, 2009

Somtimes Epiphanies Have Long Eye Teeth

Oh boy. I just spent two days on a post that just made me barf in my mouth a little.

And I mean that in the least literal sense of the word(s).

But really, it was bad. It involved laments about infant formula. Heh.

Good thing I've got plenty of AWESOME material for you in the meantime.


So, the following exchange took place between my neighbor and me the other day:


Me: [On computer...ensuring soul's place in Hell for Sloth. Sees the following:]

[Dashes to phone, frantic.]

Plus One: What's wrong, Mommy?

Me: NO TIME, CHILD! [Texts passionately: DrCullen at the MALL. NOW.]

Neighbor: Wh-wh-WHAT?!?! WILL EDWARD BE THERE?!

Me: [Re-reads the time, checks clock. It is exactly 5:02] GOD IN HEAVEN. We missed it.

Neighbor: [Has dashed to my front door, Sharpie marker in hand, and small child tucked under arm. Child frowning. Both wear slippers. Neighbor rings bell and gets text as I open the door, slowly.]

Me: [Sad. Resigned. Somber. Strand of spaghetti from lunch in hair.] Dude. Look at us. What are we doing?!

Neighbor: [Shuffles feet.] I dunno. [DRAMATIC PAUSE.] Maybe this is for the best.

Me: [Looks to ground, kicks cat absently.] I guess.

In the distance next room, a child cries.

Listen, I gotta go. My kid's calling me. [Smirks...tries to look cool.] Man, my kid is always hasslin' me, right? Heh.

Neighbor: [Shuffles child in arm-hold, looks down.] Yeah.

[I start to close the door...]

Neighbor: Hey, listen. It was good while it lasted, right? We're still cool?

Me: Yeah, dude. We're cool.*


(*We are so. not. cool.)


  1. So that guy is from a movie or something?

    Judging from the size of their torsos compared to your entire body, they are freakishly huge human beings.

    Was the movie My Giant, with Billy Crystal?

    And also furthermore to continue, that second dude does not know how to take pictures properly. I do not believe he is saying "cheese" at all.

  2. I juste teared up a little for you....

  3. NotBenny: This is probably psychologically linked to my self-esteem. And perhaps my maturity. Re: "second dude"? Those are totally his I'm-a-dreamboat-and-you-will-lust-for-me eyes. Not working for you?

    Jules: Things run their course, sometimes. Other times, it's just embarrassing.


    You guys love Twilight. Or at least you love the kid from Twilight. Do you fantasize that he'll think you smell better than that girl? I can't remember her name but she's playing joan jett/pat benetar in a upcoming biopic...

  5. erin: Are you making fun? My self-esteem does not take kindly to such things from women. Because I'm well-adjusted that way.

  6. So what you're telling us is you're a TwitterTwilightMallWhore? Just askin.

  7. I wasn't making fun. I was actually refreshed to hear about someone as dorky as me out there...and her neighbor as well.

    I become obsessed with the strangest things. Like George R. R. Martin's fantasy books. It's seriously all I would talk about for months. Even with people who had never read them. I would just force them to listen to me. Poor Jeremiah.

  8. Aw, Sads. At least you can say you had the lobster at Panera. The whole sandwich.

  9. Listen, I'm only going to say this once...and I may come back and delete it later....

    but that could have just as easily been me in that embarrassing, slipper wearing conversation.

  10. I don't see how he could be out signing autographs during the day; wouldn't everyone see him sparkle, and isn't daytime when he's busy doing other guys anyway?