Friday, September 18, 2009

Let Them Eat Urinal Cake

I'm pretty sure I've waited too long to so a "vacation recap." It's practically Halloween for Chrissakes. But one incident cannot go without sharing. Mainly because I still can't believe the absurdity of the situation.

And maybe because I like to complain.

After driving for about four hours, we had pulled over somewhere on Route 17 in the middle of New York State because the baby just wouldn't stop CRYING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. The Hub took Plus One to the lavatory and I set out to give T9 some food.

As soon as I lifted him out of his car seat, however, I realized that kid had pissed himself something fierce, so I brought him to the front passenger seat to change his diaper. I laid a blanket down and gave him a hazardous unfamiliar object to distract him from thoughts off escape or baby crotch-grabbing.

Then, things got kind of fuzzy for several reasons. Primarily, I believe, because I'm pretty sure that's my mind's way of keeping me out of an insane asylum. As it so happens, you also benefit since I cannot specifically detail the amount of BABY POOP that was suddenly and instantly in my frame of sight.

People, I am a somewhat seasoned mother. I have cleaned shit OFF OF WALLS. Shit that did not get there by means of hands. And this still jarred me.

(And here I am, TELLING THE INTERNET ABOUT IT.)

Almost immediately, I used my words to start venting the absolute impossibility of the daunting task I was facing. THE POOP, that is.

Me: OH MY FUCKING GOD.
T9: [Giggle. Places distracting item IN POOP.]

Me: OH NO! OHNOOHNOOHNOOOO! OH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE!

T9: [Scowl. Sly smirk.]

Me: WHAT DID YOU EAT, CHILD?!

Mind you, there are people passing me on their way to the bathroom, and I almost want them to hear me so they all fall to their knees and pray for my strength (okay, soul) in this great time of crisis. But I'm also probably glaring at them with thoughts of "Yeah, you JUST GO TO THE BATHROOM while I die in a pile of crap over here, YOU UNGRATEFUL, SMUG BASTARDS."

I tend to get a little over the top sometimes, friends.

But while I'm elbow-deep in crap, in the VERY SEAT I have to ride in during this insanely long journey, I manage to overhear a couple about 15 feet away from where I'm standing at our truck. They have placed a blanket down on the grass next to a picnic table and are apparently having a true-blue PICNIC. And they are playing airplane with their impossibly pleasant baby.

AT A REST-STOP. IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. WHILE I AM FIGHTING OFF THE POOP SMEARS LIKE THE GODDAMN PLAGUE.

(Clearly, they were sent here to mock me. NO, REALLY.)

This couple clearly heard my groans, my inappropriate cursing in front of my innocent child. (Hey, it's called INFANTILE AMNESIA for a reason, kids!) And their picture of a family road-trip only began to contrast more with mine as I bemoaned my shit-duty and dodged poop-covered objects being hurled toward my head from inside the truck's cab.

I almost couldn't decide if I wanted to smack them for being so rude perfect, or take their picture to put on my blog.

In the end, I was just too stunned to do anything other than completely CELEBRATE that I didn't even get any poop on the little baby blanket I'd laid down under T9's vengeful butt.

I tidied up my little combat zone and placed T9 lovingly to my chest, and snuggled his neck. I even lifted him in the air a little, looking up at his face as it glowed in front of the mid-day sun.

We are totally that perfect little family too, DAMNIT. (Just in between those moments when we're so totally NOT.)

As I took him back down into my arms, I looked up to see The Hub emerging from the bathroom with Plus One. I waved and smiled.

It was the opening scene of a Hallmark movie--the movie that didn't end with death or adultery. Though, maybe some therapy.

Then, upon sight of me, Plus One went boneless and laid prostrate across the path of an elderly couple, and commenced shrieking. The Hub tried to look occupied. I tried not to look like this was pretty much commonplace.
(Later I was informed that Plus One had become utterly devastated when The Hub forbade him from picking up a urinal cake.)

As we packed the family back into carseats, I noticed the Perfect Couple and their Perfect Child out of the corner of my eye. They were driving their picnic back onto the hightway, and I'm pretty sure as they approached the entrance ramp, she was making the sign of the cross.

__________

PS: When he's not crapping on me, my son loves AC/DC.

(And Joan Jett.)

video

xoxo


15 comments:

  1. is he singing along too? a very musical little guy, he should bust out the guitar!

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  2. Man, everyone is about poop today. but your story takes the top spot because baby-vacation-rest stop-poop will always win. always.

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  3. Hee hee, that's marvelous!

    After my buddy was unemployed for a pretty good stretch, I got him to state on the record that he would eat a piece of (used!) urinal cake for $1,000. Gratefully, for everyone involved, the rest of us didn't have any money either. But anyway, I can understand +1's fascination!

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  4. No road trip is complete without an awesome pooptastic story. I mostly have vomiting road trip stories all involving Olivia, the red head car sick projectile vomiter.
    Just the thought of it makes me excited for next summer! Gooooo Road Trip!

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  5. There is more cute in that shit-filled child that should be allowed by The Universe. Seriously.

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  6. I am almost hoping for a situation that I can say "You know, I think I just pissed myself something fierce!" :) Or not.

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  7. Your child rocks! Even thought there's shit involved...

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  8. He was singing about how big his poop was and how angry he made mommy.

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  9. Your son has epic powers of shittery. I don't know how this could help him later in life, but it might. Pretty cool.

    Your other son might get a urinal cake eating shtick on Letterman someday, and that would be pretty cool, too.

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  10. We're NOT supposed to eat urinal cake ?? ...hmmm...Damn.

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  11. Invest in a drum set. I see great potential in that video. Or a piano. Just to be safe.

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  12. Who did those people think they were for gawd's sake! This isn't lifetime movie network!

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  13. He was singing about how big his poop was and how angry he made mommy.

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  14. We're NOT supposed to eat urinal cake ?? ...hmmm...Damn.

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