Saturday, September 12, 2009

Caveat Emptor. Or, "Fucking $17?!"

(Heyyyyy. So, I'm back from vacation.

And now there's my blog. Right.

The thing is that my sky is falling over here, so I've also been hiding a bit. But writing is good, right?)

Well, I'm working on recapping vacation for you. It was filled with such gems as being mocked (I SWEAR) by strangers, teaching the baby some AC/DC, and state troopers.

But that kind of storytelling is going to take a bit more than I have at the moment.

So, in the meantime, let me share with you a little caveat about Panera Bread.



Recently I saw their sign for a lobster sandwich. And while I have a bit of a grudge with cholesterol-ridden crustaceans, I couldn't help myself. I wanted to eat the hell out of it. Besides, it was probably that imitation crab anyway, right? It's fucking PANERA not Legal Seafoods or some shit.

So I go in for lunch with The Hub and order the half sandwich with the salad. The lady at the register looks up as if I've just ordered a small Taiwanese child and is getting all ARE YOU SURE?! with her eyeballs and I'm like, "Listen, I KNOW my cholesterol is high but--...do you know MY DOCTOR!?"

Then she's all, "Well, you'll have to add $6.99 to the price of the combo." Which doubled the price. So, being the math wizard I am (uh, not really), I started crunching things like numbers and value and knuckles and then when it got too confusing, I just said, "Well then give me the whole sandwich and I'll get a salad, too."

She gave me that startled look again. "You want the WHOLE sandwich?!"

My arteries started to weep at her benevolence but I shut them right up with a swipe of my credit card.

Then we looked at the receipt.

Lunch for two cost $45.oo, people.

FORTY FIVE DOLLARS.

We gulped a bit, starting to notice that there WERE a lot of pretty people in the place. Maybe we were out of our league. The Hub scanned the receipt.

His eyebrows jumped. "SEVENTEEN DOLLARS?!"

My REAL lobster, PANERA freaking SANDWICH was $17 people. I looked up at the signs, noticing that the price of the thing was listed nowhere. And the damn cashier never mentioned it either, I was suddenly realizing. And here I thought she was concerned about MY HEALTH. She probably got to run in the break room and ring the WE SOLD ANOTHER LOBSTER TO A SUCKER WITH HIGH CHOLESTEROL bell.

Probably even got a free soda.

Be thee warned: Panera is not in the business of lobster. They are in the business of bread and suckers. It just so happens that I really like bread, okay?

So, in the end, I DID eat the shit out of that sandwich. I'd set it down every now and then, unable to go on, but The Hub would look at me encouragingly, pick up the sandwich, and place it back in my hand. "Seventeen dollars, wife."

Seventeen dollars will get you a pretty decent stomach ache these days. At least there's that.

__________

PS: Have you entered Lana's contest yet? Because she's giving shit away! And unlike my BBFF, I'm pretty sure Lana will actually send your prizes to you when you win them.

NOT THAT I'M KEEPING SCORE, or anything.

23 comments:

  1. Oh my god that's ridiculous.

    I actually went to panera for the first time a couple weeks ago. I had a turkey sandwich and soup. I don't remember how much it was but I remember it being a lot more than I expected.

    I'm pretty sure you probably did have fake lobster meat, but I bet they tried to look fancy and put MARKET PRICE for it on the menu!

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  2. I LOVE Panera. And it IS pricey. But it's not worth $45. HOLY shit.

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  3. Guess I'll stick with the Baked Potato soup... still one of the best (and cheapest) things there. $17 is WAY more than I plan to spend on ANY sandwich!

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  4. For $45.00 bucks...I have rented the frickin tabe and chairs...and hanging around to lay that load down in their commode.

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  5. perfect story. and that is why i don't step foot in Panera with all it's uppity ups and dumb bread choices. do you realize just how many mcmuffins you could have bought with 45 bucks? I'm no mathemawizard...but I think 2,435. Food for thought....

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  6. Pardon me, would you have any Gray Poupon?

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  7. It was probably that farm-raised rock lobster too.

    Panera is an anagram for Rapena, which is Croatian for Screw the Lady.

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  8. $17.00!!! Wow! For a sandwich? And you weren't even at the airport!

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  9. That is probably my favorite picture so far. It is completely made of win.

    "Seventeen dollars, wife."

    That made my day.

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  10. We unwittingly went to a Joe's Crab Shat, I mean, Shack, the other day and dropped $50. It was shocking and dismaying. Plus the baby threw a little red potato at the waitress.

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  11. Mr. C: That says a lot coming from you, moneybags.

    Jules: I do, too! But I was totally swindled and now I'm pretty sure this can only become a dysfunctional relationship if I continue to go back for more of the same.

    CatLady: I don't think I've ever heard of that, but it sounds awesomely caloric. And, naturally, delicious.

    @eloh: Dude, we sat and heckled the regulars for a bit. That helped.

    J-Rod: I bet Panera is OWNED by McDonald's! I also try to love my arteries a little by resisting the golden arches as much as possible. I also read Fast Food Nation. That helps.

    CaptainD: EXACTLY. I knew my cover was blown the second we balked at the price. I'm pretty bad at pretending to be rich.

    Cortico: I completely believe you.

    Nanodance: For serious. Maybe they could get away with this business if they were serving wine or something. Drunk hungry people think $17 is NOTHING if it cures the munchies.

    NotBenny: It kind of made me laugh too, but then almost barf.

    erin: This was a baby-free outing. That kind of made up for it. A little.

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  12. Yikes $17 for a sandwich?!? Imagine how many pieces of chicken nuggets you could have gotten with that.

    Isn't Panera a pretty pricey place? My roommates used to go there to study and use their wi-fi. I went with them one time. I bought something small so I wouldn't feel guilty about using their tables for studying.

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  13. Whenever I see lobster on a menu I order it, even though Ryan tries to tell me I don't like lobster. Then I take a bite and remember I, in fact, don't like lobster. And Ryan ends up eating both meals...

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  14. thanks for the linky, two entries for you!

    that cashier sounds totally misleading. i hope that's not her game to bring in the cash for panera because she might need to get her ass kicked for that.

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  15. I never look at prices before I buy things, and then I'm shocked as hell when I get the receipt. I ordered a beer at Taco Mac once, only to find out when I got my ticket that it was a $15 beer! And I didn't even feel extra drunk or anything. Fail.

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  16. Holy shitballs Batman! I'm all about paying waaayyy too much for food, but $45 for Panera is ridiculous. I loved your crunching the numbers and values and knuckles line ;-).

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  17. I don't mind the Panera. I usually get the cheese-and-broccoli soup served in a big bowl of bread. Mmmm...edible serving vessels...also, I had no idea that early death tasted of delicousness and cheddar.

    Stear clear of their coffee, though. It tastes like fetid ditch water. Actually, the ditch water might taste better and have fewer bugs.

    Also, their Heath Bar/toffee cookies? Fucking weak, man. They taste like hairy old man ass or something similar. And they're always hard, like they've been sitting around for four or five days wating for some sucker to come along and say "Heath bar cookies? Fuck yeah I'll take a dozen!"

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  18. I don't mind the Panera. I usually get the cheese-and-broccoli soup served in a big bowl of bread. Mmmm...edible serving vessels...also, I had no idea that early death tasted of delicousness and cheddar.

    Stear clear of their coffee, though. It tastes like fetid ditch water. Actually, the ditch water might taste better and have fewer bugs.

    Also, their Heath Bar/toffee cookies? Fucking weak, man. They taste like hairy old man ass or something similar. And they're always hard, like they've been sitting around for four or five days wating for some sucker to come along and say "Heath bar cookies? Fuck yeah I'll take a dozen!"

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  19. Yikes $17 for a sandwich?!? Imagine how many pieces of chicken nuggets you could have gotten with that.

    Isn't Panera a pretty pricey place? My roommates used to go there to study and use their wi-fi. I went with them one time. I bought something small so I wouldn't feel guilty about using their tables for studying.

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  20. $17.00!!! Wow! For a sandwich? And you weren't even at the airport!

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  21. Guess I'll stick with the Baked Potato soup... still one of the best (and cheapest) things there. $17 is WAY more than I plan to spend on ANY sandwich!

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  22. I LOVE Panera. And it IS pricey. But it's not worth $45. HOLY shit.

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  23. Oh my god that's ridiculous.

    I actually went to panera for the first time a couple weeks ago. I had a turkey sandwich and soup. I don't remember how much it was but I remember it being a lot more than I expected.

    I'm pretty sure you probably did have fake lobster meat, but I bet they tried to look fancy and put MARKET PRICE for it on the menu!

    ReplyDelete