Tuesday, August 25, 2009

MMM, Sweaty!

I'm starting to wonder if my recently rekindled love affair with running is doing me as much good than it does, say, THE WORLD. You see, my awkward-socially-inept, uh, "quirks" seem to be translating to my morning jogs. So I'm pretty sure my running is basically bringing joy and happiness--or perhaps side-cramping laughter and the joy of forming new i'm-dumbfounded facial expressions--to my neighbors.

And by extension (or perhaps, self-deprecation by means of blogging), the world.

Of course, I cannot SEE myself running, but it's pretty obvious that I'm a sight to be seen. Let's consider:

1. There's the awkward running pace. Anyone out there who has run, even briefly, after not having done so for, say, ever, knows what I'm getting at (though, my syntax is always a variable). When I feel myself running, there's just so much more movement going on than one might expect. Yeah, sure. I'm talking about the extra bouncing. And perhaps the inability to maintain a constant speed. Or gait. The arms flail a bit. I've even been known to actually strike myself while running.


This just doesn't match up with my vision of what I can only assume is closely related to the ancient Native American shape-shifting. In other words, I pretty much feel like I automatically lose 20 pounds and am perfectly sculpted the moment I start running. Which makes absolutely no sense, but is the only explanation I can imagine for number two:

2. There is one major drawback of running in my opinion. Well, there are hundreds, but what I'm speaking to now is the fact that people actually WITNESS this strained, awkward display, essentially acting as a moving advertisement that flashes your (um, MY) previous months of inactivity before unsuspecting eyes.

But somehow, when I'm running, I'm convinced that people CAN'T TELL.

Heh.

Because when I'm jogging along, at a snail's pace and utterly gasping for life, inevitably someone is going to drive by or be walking along. So what do I do?

KEEP RUNNING.

In my head, having them witness me stopping will instantly burst my healthy facade and in my hands will appear the 12 cookies I ate last week. And on my head? One of those crazy beer drinking hats with the straws. But there's like milkshakes in there and shit. And I don't even DRINK milkshakes.

3. There's the in-a-fucking-bility to breathe. Right, that too.

But really. THE BREATHING. It's less about motivating my fat ass to keep moving and more about motivating my lungs not to collapse. And they're hard to bribe. Lungs. It's not like THEY drink milkshakes. Is this what C&C Music Factory was talking about when they composed that song about sweating 'til you bleed? Is it hot enough? INDEED.

4. We all know about my relationship with the neighbors. It's pretty much nothing short of STELLAR and they pretty much all SWEAT ME like, old school style. So when they see me, with milkshakes on my head, bleeding from my lungs, WHY OH WHY do they insist on saying hello?! Like, I can hardly string words into a sentence when I'm not flirting with a heart attack. When I AM?!

Neighbor: Hey! Getting quite a workout, huh?!

Me: HI! [Nothing comes out short of a MAJOR EMERGENCY SHOUT at this point. Also, single syllables.] AH. YAH. HOW. AH. YOUH. [GASP SPUTTER GASP. Self-administers epinephrine shot to heart.]

I suppose we should just leave it at that. Because soon I'll start talking about running-wedgies and sports bras. Oh, and how awful sweat smells once you break into your 30's. Because, really? I never knew I smelled SO FREAKING AWFUL.

But I'm glad you stayed so long. Here's your parting gift. You know, so you don't leave with a bad taste in your mouth. In this case, the taste of my 30-year-old sweat.

Heh.




20 comments:

  1. I have a classic line that I deliver at any girl running past my road..."Work that ass!".

    It causes some confused looks but usually awkward smiles.

    Two years till I'm 30, so my sweat still doesn't stink!

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  2. I used to run although I've given it up for more dignified means of exercise (sitting on my ass eating cake and occasionally biking or swimming) and I used to feel all healthy and confident leaving the house until I started to jog, then I'd feel like I was running in several directions all at once, what with the boob jiggle and the attractive sweaty red face and hair frizz. I'm thinking there's a lot to be said for treadmills - namely no one else can see you puffing, sweating and jiggling in all the wrong places, and by "you" I totally mean "me". :)

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  3. Dude, there is NO WAY those puppets liked that shit. Those guys suck ass. I'd rather listen to Roseanne sing the national anthem again.

    I'm with you on how bad 30ish sweat smells- after I exercise I smell like a barn that's been dipped in a big bowl of nasty. Or I just smell really sweaty. One of those, anyway.

    Congratulations on starting to run again! I am all treadmill, still, so when I move on outdoors I'm sure I'll make a similar post, just with less Kristine photo-shopped heads.

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  4. My running suit would have to involve a roll of duct tape. Without it I think I would very quickly lose all forward momentum from the violently swinging flapping bits and pieces. I might even accidentally take flight, but only briefly.

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  5. I have never really considered taking up running because I know I would just be one of those fat, slow women at the beginning and I prefer feeling sorry for them than actually being one of them.

    And dying young is glamorous.

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  6. Mr. C: All class, you are. I'm pretty sure awkward smiles are polite for FUCK YOU.

    Vegetable Assassin: Dude, I am that red face. I am the jiggle.

    NotBenny: After reading yours and VA's comments, I'm realizing that it makes PERFECT sense that there would be a running etiquette that I am totally unaware of. I almost wonder if I'm running to be healthy or because I subconsciously enjoy being a spectacle. Good God.

    @eloh: That's precisely the kind of talk I was about to launch into when I thought it best to end my post.

    LL: I am also that fat, slow (Oh God, so slow. Did I mention I'm also PUSHING CHILDREN in like, a 50lb stroller the whole time?!) woman.

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  7. I run in the house, with my Wii Fit.

    I always feel embarrassed running outside because I have none of the apparel I see all the other women running in. No special sneakers or tight running pants...no IPod...no high ponytail and sweat head band.

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  8. I'm a walker, not a runner. Primarily because I'm not good at playing off a 15 foot jaunt--whew, that was great! That 15 feet was just the right amount of jogging I wanted to accomplish! I like walking because I enjoy being alone with my thoughts. The only negative is realizing that you are approaching another walker and trying to time the exact moment of eye contact and greeting. I mean, you don't want to start from too far away-- that would be just too stalkerish and then you'd have to stare at each other the whole time until you finally passed each other. So pretty much it's a lot of glances and half smiles (shit, she wasn't looking, okay, try again in a few seconds...shit!).

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  9. Oh dear. You've crossed over. You're becoming one of THOSE people....runners. *makes sign of the cross*

    I only run for two things: food and fire. In that order. Mostly because if there's a fire, I stick around long enough to check out the hawt fireman arse.

    Too funny.

    Oh, and if you really want some helpful hints about running and getting started...you should check out this woman: http://myobyall.blogspot.com/

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  10. Breathing is totally overrated.

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  11. erin: My hair won't even stay in my pony-tail bun, so it just keeps unraveling and thwacking me in the face.

    Kim: I'm too neurotic for walking. I'm almost always jogging, even when I'm just doing laundry or making dinner. I'm that awesome.

    OWO: Oh, no. You've misunderstood. I'm much less a "runner" and more a billboard for "I-told-you-cookies-for-dinner-was-a-bad-idea" complete with community service (or, sentenced running).

    Jules: I'm assuming pro athletes have developed some sort of gill structure. I have no other explanation for their behavior.

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  12. Just don't become one of the asshole runners. There are a lot of those where I live.

    The kind of runners who run in front of your car while you're driving so that you have to screech to a halt.
    They don't even look. They just...run.

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  13. As long as you don't run like Phoebe (youtube "Phoebe Running Style") I think you're okay.

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  14. Hell, at least you're out there trying. I'm off to get a peice of pie.

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  15. Running is serious torture. I do it only to repent for my sins (booze and pizza). Great writing!

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  16. Yea, its funny how you can't control your voice and just start shouting at everyone while you're running. As if you weren't already attracting enough attention to you with all the jiggling that's going on that may be causing smoke to rise from the friction your thighs are creating when they rub together. Or is that me?

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  17. I'm full of myself. I check myself out when running along glass windows that give me a full body reflection.

    HAHAH but really, congrats to being active and running. Running has always been my choice of exercise, mainly because I'm too poor to afford dance classes every week.

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  18. Hell, at least you're out there trying. I'm off to get a peice of pie.

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  19. I'm a walker, not a runner. Primarily because I'm not good at playing off a 15 foot jaunt--whew, that was great! That 15 feet was just the right amount of jogging I wanted to accomplish! I like walking because I enjoy being alone with my thoughts. The only negative is realizing that you are approaching another walker and trying to time the exact moment of eye contact and greeting. I mean, you don't want to start from too far away-- that would be just too stalkerish and then you'd have to stare at each other the whole time until you finally passed each other. So pretty much it's a lot of glances and half smiles (shit, she wasn't looking, okay, try again in a few seconds...shit!).

    ReplyDelete
  20. Dude, there is NO WAY those puppets liked that shit. Those guys suck ass. I'd rather listen to Roseanne sing the national anthem again.

    I'm with you on how bad 30ish sweat smells- after I exercise I smell like a barn that's been dipped in a big bowl of nasty. Or I just smell really sweaty. One of those, anyway.

    Congratulations on starting to run again! I am all treadmill, still, so when I move on outdoors I'm sure I'll make a similar post, just with less Kristine photo-shopped heads.

    ReplyDelete