Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I Think My Cats Called CPS

The way it typically works around here is that my husband gets up for work, leaving the house around 6am, and then I sleep until the T9 awakes or Plus One comes barreling down the hall with his heavy-footed jog. Blankies in hand. (And mouth.)

But the Hub didn't have to be in until late yesterday, and the whole house seemed to be catching some extra sleep. Maybe it was because I didn't hear him milling about in his morning ritual that I was so deeply asleep at 6:30 that morning. Because when I felt a nudge around my hips, I reflexively nudged back. Fucking cats are always climbing on me ALL NIGHT LONG. Last night, for example, Fluffy Shit woke me up LICKING HER PAWS in my mothergrabbing FACE. (I'm pretty sure this was a threat. Fluffy Shit: FUCKING LICK FUCKING MEOW--WATCH YOUR BACK MEOW.)

Anyway, I growled quietly and kneed the perpetrator enough--I thought--that she'd jump back off the bed. This didn't happen.

So I nudged again.

*Thud*

Suddenly there was wailing in the bedroom. Startled, I propped myself up on an elbow.

Me: "Plus One?"

Plus One: "WAAHHHHH [REJECTION! MY MOTHER JUST KNEED ME! MY INNOCENCE IS GONE!]"

Me: [Under my breath.] "Oh, shit....Buddy, I thought you were the cat!"

I scooped him up and hugged the crap out of him, trying to squeeze out the rejection and tears.

Whoops.

Later that morning, when my husband arose, he asked me what had happened, why he had been woken with a growl, followed by a thump, followed by a wail.

Me: [Meekly.] "I thought Plus One was that cat."

The Hub: "You kicked him out of BED?!"

Me: "Eh...kinda."

The Hub: "This all goes to show you that you just need to be nicer to those cats."

I scowled. It rather seems to be perfect evidence that they need to be destroyed.

Look out, Fluffy Shit. [Licks hand.]

18 comments:

  1. priceless. that's going to cost you in therapy.

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  2. Man, that's something Hubby would say too. Except we don't have kids....so I'm just mean.

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  3. I probably shouldn't be laughing........

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  4. That threat only works if you lick your hand in his face.

    Just do what I do to heal all wounds to self-pride or confidence: rip a big one right in his face. The joyous laughter of a child cures all wounds.

    Unless your kids aren't like mine and don't find farts funny. I guess then you'll have to rely on popsicles and quarters.

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  5. "Plus one?" Hahahahahaha!

    Shave the cat for revenge. Make a video of it.

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  6. Oh no! I've hit kids in the face with various bouncy balls before, on accident, of course.
    The worst is when there's a whole bunch of people around when they get hit and everybody goes, "OHHHHHHH!!!!HH!HHHH ERIN!!!!!! NO!!!!!!"
    And then hit kid runs to grandma or Jeremiah instead of me.

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  7. Tee Hee! I can't imagine what you must do to your beloved when he nudges you for a little love and attention in the night.
    But I can relate... I have a 110 pound golden retriever who used to sleep with us and steal the covers.

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  8. I had a cat once that used to jump on my pillow in the morning and back his ass into my face, tail up.

    Tail. Up.

    I'm pretty sure that cat didn't like me.

    Or maybe that cat REALLY liked me.

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  9. duct tape the feet of the cat. then just watch.

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  10. You know, Sam is a really small puppy and I find myself kneeing him in the face while he's jumping, or kicking him while he's sleeping, or dropping him on his head while carrying him and he hasn't called any type of "Animal Protection Services On Me". The key with it is not advertising it on the internet. Durr.

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  11. don't worry k, i got you covered. you take the kiddies out for a nice little afternoon, i'll come over with monster and let him play in your house for about 20 min, and i'll clean up the mess before you even pull in the driveway.

    you're welcome. that's what friends are for :)

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  12. MD: It's a tough choice every month when we put away money for the kids: college or therapy?

    Jules: No THEY are mean. We're perfect?

    MzB: Me neither!

    TIM: I gave him a pony. That should do it.

    OWO: He's our rockstar child. I'd shave the cats, but we all remember those razor-blad claws. Or at least I do when I see the fucking scar that bitch gave me.

    erin: Oh I've been there. Freaking "family." Thanks for boosting my parenting confidence, MOM!

    CatLady: Uh, pretty much the same thing I do to the cats. Cats/Hub are often interchangeable, I'm suddenly noticing. This can't be good for our marriage.

    NotBenny: Dude. That's exactly what Fluffy Shit does. But it's like, her greeting. I'm all, "Hey, Fluffy Shit." And she's all "MEOW" and then shows me her asshole.

    Jerrod: That sounds mean. Even to ME.

    Trodo: It's not really any fun unless you get the authorities involved. (DOI!)

    PeachTart: He's a resilient little man. Concussion should wear off in a few more weeks.

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  13. That is so, so funny - and Hub's wise, high road response is just precious. I love that guy!

    Oh, and, uh... you're great, too, K... :)

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  14. Awwwhhh my cats do stupid shit like that too, but I love them.


    Your free cats ad is HILARIOUS though.

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  15. That is so, so funny - and Hub's wise, high road response is just precious. I love that guy!

    Oh, and, uh... you're great, too, K... :)

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  16. That threat only works if you lick your hand in his face.

    Just do what I do to heal all wounds to self-pride or confidence: rip a big one right in his face. The joyous laughter of a child cures all wounds.

    Unless your kids aren't like mine and don't find farts funny. I guess then you'll have to rely on popsicles and quarters.

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