Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Floating Fast Like a Hummingbird

I don't want you to get the wrong idea here. It's not like I live in the back woods. We're in a booming metropolis! (Full disclosure: I'm not completely sure what a metropolis is.) An hour from The Big Apple! Home to the Orange County Choppers!

(That last one's not working for you, eh? How about rendezvous spot for Jon of Jon & Kate Plus Eight? Okay, good. Go with that one then.)

But serioulsy. Things are getting out of hand. First it was the frog. Then the fucking chiggers. (IN OUR BACK YARD, people! I've been locked inside for days!) But nothing can top what I saw yesterday.

Yesterday.

Yesterday, everything was different. Pure. Innocent.

Rainbows were pretty. Unicorns, sparkly. Sun. You bet it was a'shiny. And hummingbirds? Yeah, well they WERE cute and fluttery.

THEN I SAW THIS:

(Click it, you bastard. I risked infection for these shots.)

I believe the scientific term is "Hummingbird-Hybrid" or "Fucking Disgusting Hummingbird Thing." Because, really?! I was raised thinking they were iridescent, lovely little things that probably shot glitter out of their mouths after they burped up a little nectar.

Not this bastard. I was pretty much muttering profanity under my breath as I clicked away with my camera. Plus One was at the door all, "Mommy! Mommy! Ca'I see?!" And I was all "AVERT YOUR EYES CHILD! HIDE THE BABY!"

When I calmed down, I Googled the little fucker and discovered he's actually a moth of sorts. But whatever. Dude clearly has some identity issues, and his, um "butterface" certainly isn't helping matters. I just hope he didn't take a dump in my little garden.



Good riddance, you sonofabitch.

17 comments:

  1. Aw, the poor thing. I wonder if there is therapy available for him. He obviously has identity issues.....Wants to be a hummingbird, was born a moth. Kind of like a he/she.

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  2. It was all very funny...

    But the "Avert your eyes child. Hide the baby" made me spit my coffee out. (must be a loony parent thing)I'm pretty sure it got into places coffee isn't supposed to go and eventually I'll have to call the IT department and lie lie lie. Put maybe I'll get a new computer...so...

    Thanks!

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  3. I never even heard of chiggers before your last post and all the comments. Now I'm scarred for life.

    And what the frick is up with moths? They're always gigantic, scary and they also eat clothes?

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  4. Wow. I can't believe how insensitive you are.

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  5. At least it didn't leave some type of slime trail. It didn't, did it?

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  6. I believe God has a tear right now by the way you are making fun of his hummingmoth creation. I think you should talk to Him about it. Hmmm?

    :)

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  7. What IS that thing? I've got the heebie-jeebies from your last two posts... *shaking involuntarily*

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  8. love this! it makes me happy to see ugly things die.

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  9. Tell Claire that she's just mean!

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  10. Darling, I think you are thinking too much into your moth/bird hybrid. Obviously you need to drink more.

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  11. OH. OHMYF'INGGOD. Why is it part crayfish? TELL ME WHY! I will never sleep again.

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  12. Jules: I do not want to live in a world where ugly things are equal to me.

    OWO: Is the IT guy hot? If so, YOU'RE WELCOME!

    erin: Always thinking of yourself! You merely had to read it. ME? I'M LIVING THE NIGHTMARE.

    Jeruleus: Even I surprise myself sometimes.

    LL: I didn't stick around to find out. It did sound kind of like a bee, so that's close enough.

    Jerrod: If I try to talk to Him, I'm pretty sure he's going to bitch-slap me. I mean, I have it coming, but I'm not really in the mood. What with the chigger infestation and all.

    Rita: Seriously. I'm having nightmares. I figured the best thing to do was make you all live the same fate.

    ClaireMD: I would have to get near it to kill it, so that's not happening.

    Trodo: Dude, I think I'm going to turn into an alcoholic heroin feind after seeing this abomination.

    Cat: I feel like it should exist on the Galapagos or maybe in the next Star Trek movie. But, God, NOT IN MY GARDEN.

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  13. No. It's a woman. Maybe? I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian.

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  14. OMFG what the hellÉ ... hey, i must have accidentally turned on my french keyboardÉ because that É is supposed to be a question mark. woopsie!
    oh well, there`s no turning back

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  15. OWO: Oh, well, in that case...um...you're welcome?

    Miss: RIGHT?! "OMFG" was invented for creatures like this.

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  16. You know what I hate about moths? That they show up your garden during the day and drink from flowers and look all harmless but then when you go to bed, they've secretly come in through your duct work and are waiting in your bedroom for you to fall asleep so they can suck your blood.

    Sleep tight!

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  17. Wow. I can't believe how insensitive you are.

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