Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Kids Make You Tired. But Also Boost Your Self-Esteem. So it Evens Out.

So, I'm tired and everything, which is pretty exciting to read about, right? We had about fifty-three barbecues (seriously?! you don't spell barbecue with a Q?!) to attend (okay, three. including our own.) over this holiday weekend and my non-sleeping, rash-harboring 7 month old is making me tired. I guess the older one, who likes to leap into pools with no plan to keep afloat, has done his part, as well.

Kids do that.

They make people tired. As a friend said at one of our many social outings (we're big and important), "It's hard keeping something alive."

This is true.

Other than the keeping-my-kids-alive part, the only other thing I have to complain about are the 3 flies that are landing on my laptop like it's a rotting carcass. Which, is really pretty gross, because then I just imagine that I'm click-clacking on a bloated Montauk Monster, which doesn't mesh well with my morning coffee.
Oh, and the fruit flies. Where the FUCK do they come from?!

But that's REALLY it.

The GOOD NEWS is that Plus One has taken to a new phrase, and considering my predilection for complaint and pity, I'm going to take advantage of his new verbiage. It all started kind of like this:

Me: Hey, Plus One? Want to come help Momma clean up your toys?

Plus One: [Excited]. Great idea, Momma! GREAT IDEA.

...and then, later...

Me: Hey, Plus One? Want to come eat your breakfast?

Plus One: [Like a concerned, elderly newsman.] Okay. Great idea. Great. I. Dea.

Our future conversations, therefore, will be spent trying to boost my self-esteem and justify some of the more poorly thought-out decisions of my past. Observe:

Me: Hey, Plus One! How about I go to the tattoo parlor and pick something out of the book just because I'm spontaneous, OH, and how about we put it on MY LOWER BACK?!

Plus One: [With furrowed, you'll-regret-this-when-you're-30 brow.] GREAT IDEA MOMMY!


Me: Hey, Plus One! While we're at it, Momma has a tiny tattoo on her foot that she doesn't like anymore. I'm thinking of covering it with a 6-foot long one that I'll also pick out of a book without much further consideration!

Plus One: [With large, don't-you-ever-learn eyes.] GREAT IDEA, MOMMY!


Me: Hey, Plus One! Momma can't get rid of these flies, so I'm thinking of just throwing out my laptop. What do you think?

Plus One: [With catatonic, I'm-screwed-in-the-motherhood-department, stare.] GREAT IDEA, MOMMY.


Love that kid. He'll forgive me my bad tattoos, right?


  1. You should use him as a laptop flyswatter. He'll totally thank you for it when he grows up. Promise.

  2. Do people still say "hella"? Cause your kid is hella funny.

    I'm either a huge dork 35 year old now, or super hip! Do people still say hip?

    I would call the geek squad about this fly problem of yours.

  3. We've had one fly in our house since Saturday and it's driving me crazy. Seriously fly dude, how many plates of hot dogs and potato salad do you need to land on and infest?

  4. It would take much, much more convincing than this before I believed that kids were worth it.

  5. So THAT'S why people have kids? To boost self esteem? I always thought it was to clean the house or pick weeds out of the garden. Hmmm...who knew?

  6. Is your laptop a mac? Because maybe that's why the flies are hovering...

    for the past few years, my son greets me all the time with "you're so handsome, daddy". Kids, they prop the egos up.

  7. Once I forgot to water my kids for an entire weekend and they wilted. Luckily, I was able to save them with some sunlight and fertilizer. (Seriously, you will be AMAZED at the difference in them if you take them out of the basement once in awhile.)

  8. It seems like there's a ton of flies around this summer. Like an obscenely large number of flies everywhere. Yesterday I was playing in the baby pool with the baby and all of the sudden we were swarmed by a trillion flies...like big mother suckers too. Not just those little fruit flies.

  9. My kids motivated me by always reminding me that they will be the ones that pick the old folks home I'd end up in. Turds!

  10. so you don't just pick one out of the artistic books at the shop?? I knew this hummingbird on my hip wasn't cool like the guy said...

  11. You know why we're overrun with flies? It's because PETA bitched at Obama for smacking one with a flyswatter. Now the little shits are getting cocky.

  12. Oh man. I really want another bad tattoo. And a kid, now that I think about it.

  13. this was hilarious. in other news, chuck has been accusing ME of somehow hiding fruit fly attracting fruit SOMEWHERE! i'm going to let him know that it's his laptop.

  14. Your conversations with Plus One about tattoos sound vaguely familiar.

  15. Honestly I feel just a littl special.

  16. John, we're in on the ground floor. Whatever that means.

  17. Anna: I was considering training him to eat the flies, but I guess that's what the dumb cats are for.

    NotBenny: I say "hella-ella-O!" to my neighbors regularly. Does that count?

    Miss Yvonne: I just can't stop picturing them spitting when they land. Though, I think at this point they're at least dehydrated.

    Mr. London: I realize this. I think the best way to convince you would be to have your girlfriend speak the words, "Ooops, I'm pregnant!"

    Jules: I thought the same thing. At this point, Plus One is great at yardwork, so this is just bonus points.

    TIM: For some reason, I'm scared of Macs. I think it has something to do with Justin Long.

    Kim: I've got some tomato plant food. Think that'll work?

    erin: Seriously. It's like they've spawned en masse for some sort of sinister purpose. Well, other than annoying the shit out of me, and maybe trying to eat my laptop.

    Cortico: Seriously. That's what keeps me from feeling too guilty about all the manual labor I'm forcing upon them. SOMEONE has to clean the chimney!

    Jerrod: It's like, why else would they have the goddamn books, right?! Fuckers.

    TIM: I think you're on to something. Maybe you can blow some up next Tuesday. Or Thursday. Whatever day it is.

    Cat: They go together like PB & J.

    Becky: In 9th grade, we did some gross things with fruit flies in Biology class. I think they're just coming back for revenge.

    Gina: They totally should. I can't remember too clearly, but were you like, "GREAT IDEA!" or "Um, whatever, whacko. As long as it's your bullseye and not mine" ?

    John: You *might* get a mention when my book deal finally rolls around. But you'll have to work on your spelling, special boy.

    Gina: What does that mean? I totally won't forget you guys (too much) when I go big. And by "go big" I mean get really fat and never leave the house.