Friday, July 24, 2009

If You Cut Me, Do I Not BLEED TO DEATH?!

Listen, I'm not (completely) heartless.

There are times when I think, "You know, maybe PETA is right. Maybe I should cut the cats some slack."

Then this shit happens:


That thing is like 10 inches long. Okay, 6.5! YES, I MEASURED. And naturally, you're all suspicious-like and all "well, she IS pretty mean to those poor furbags" but eff you because do you know WHY I got cut like a prostitute? Because I PICKED HER UP.

Here's a little re-enactment:

[Scene: Midnight, house deeply asleep.]

Fluffy Shit:FUCKING MEOW MEOW...[at door, carpet]SCRATCH SCRATCH...

Me: [Blinking through the blackness of my bedroom. Mumbling.] These fucking adorable cats. Where the hell are you...? SPSPSPSPSSSSS? Fluffy? Ah, c'mere, kitty....AHHH WHAT THE FUCK?! I'M BLEEDING! I NEED A MEDIC!

So yeah, that's pretty much what went down. After I bled myself to sleep, I awoke the next morning to talk some serious shit to that crazy little bitch. I mean, at least we speak the same language, right? Which is when I was met with this glare:


So I did what any grown woman would do: I whimpered a little and sulked away to bandage my severed arm. Hours later, I realized that perhaps the kids shouldn't be left alone with these little demons. I mean, what if T9 accidentally feeds one after midnight or something?

I soon spotted Plus One on the porch with Pink and Fluffy Ninja. Again, Peta's death threats and legal notices were starting to get the better of me. Because at first, I saw them and was all, "Awww, but they're JUST WITTLE KITTIES!"



But those eyes are telling me a different story. Right, and the throbbing puncture wounds on my arm. Those, too.

23 comments:

  1. Did the cat cut you with a machette? Good Jesus....

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  2. Damn! The worst ones are in the middle of the night when one gets scared and slashes you across the ear, head, back, whatever. At those moments, I'm tempted to throw that cat outside and say, "Here raccoons!"

    But, I know...we brought them into OUR homes....Can you hear Hubby saying that???

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  3. My best friend's cat makes it a point to use me as a clawing post. Fucker is as big as a little panther, and I'm allergic. The scratches swell and puss up for fucking weeks. Stupid goddamn cats.

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  4. That's why the Chinese eat those fuckers.

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  5. Also, I gave you an award. Refer to my latest post for further details, ma'am.

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  6. I think you should call the kitty "sweet pea."

    Did you put on a lisa frank band-aid?

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  7. Wow, that scratch looks like it was doing the old 'pirate down the sail with a knife' move.

    No remorse or apology from the cat, I guess?

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  8. Three Words: CAT SCRATCH FEVER!

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  9. Jerrod: RIGHT?! The fuck? Little bitch.

    Jules: My husband totally told me I deserved it. He might be a little right. But yeah, we have two, so they'll set each other off and it's suddenly NatGeo in my bedroom at 2am.

    HHH: You need to punch the cat in the face. Or maybe the friend. Let me know how it goes. And thanks for the award!

    TIM: There was a rumor when I was younger that a local place was putting Doberman Pincers in its takeout. Like, of all dogs? Cats make more sense.

    Mr. C: We call her Fluffy Fuck/Shit/Ass. This could be part of the problem.

    Eric: Haha! Exactly! I was half asleep, so I have no idea how it happened. She did fart on me this morning, so that could've been her "I'm sorry, but not really!"

    Cortico: I'm eating Penicillin soup as a precaution.

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  10. And everyone's always all over me for not liking cats. They are evil and dangerous.

    And only a little bit cute in proportion to their evil ways.

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  11. OUCH! Looks painful.
    Stopping by via the blog hop to say hello!
    http://iamharriet.blogspot.com/2009/07/blog-hopping-theres-lot-to-do-this.html

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  12. battle wounds will help make your case should you decide to sue fluffy shithead for damages.

    or at least you might not feel as guilty turning her into a stray in your neighborhood because you know she can hold her own.

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  13. lol this is the funniest thing I've read so far today!

    Not that I'm laughing at your pain or anything ... ahem

    Bad kitty!

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  14. Exactly why I don't actually have cats... that and kitty litter.

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  15. I am completely anti cat now. I had a cat once that went crazy and attacked my ex by running up the front of her and down the back of her, claws out the whole way. We had to call animal control to come and get her.

    Then I had a cat that ran away and only came back when she was in heat. She would sit in the staircase and yowl all night, then run off again as soon as she was not in heat anymore.

    Then I had a cat that used half of my furniture as a piss sponge.

    Cats suck.

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  16. I just realized that it looked like I said animal control had to come get my ex.

    In retrospect, I would have totally chosen the cat.

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  17. Cats are the only way demons can take corporeal form. Don't fall for their fluffy cuteness, their only joy in life is your torment and pain.

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  18. Cats can be scary night creatures. I use to have a cat that would chase me around the house when he had enough of me. Believe me, I ran.

    BTW, I got to your site through Mr. Condescending's link.

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  19. Wow, this is awesome. I'm away for ten days and I come back and there are all these things I Get to punch to defend your honour! you are possibly the bestest BBFF evah. Well, you are now because my previous one I punched to death in a punching related punch accident. (Not an accident).

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  20. my mother in law has a cat that she treats like a son...even though he's horrible...she "argues" with him all the time...I don't understand why people love cats so much.

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  21. Cats can be scary night creatures. I use to have a cat that would chase me around the house when he had enough of me. Believe me, I ran.

    BTW, I got to your site through Mr. Condescending's link.

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  22. I am completely anti cat now. I had a cat once that went crazy and attacked my ex by running up the front of her and down the back of her, claws out the whole way. We had to call animal control to come and get her.

    Then I had a cat that ran away and only came back when she was in heat. She would sit in the staircase and yowl all night, then run off again as soon as she was not in heat anymore.

    Then I had a cat that used half of my furniture as a piss sponge.

    Cats suck.

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  23. Three Words: CAT SCRATCH FEVER!

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