Monday, July 27, 2009

I Should've Won 'Coolest Hair' in High School*

So this past weekend marked the whatevernumber annual BlogHer conference. For a bit (a few minutes), I was super obsessed and sad I wasn't really cool enough (Rich enough? Childless enough?) to go. So I tracked down a bunch of the cool kids' blogs and followed followed a bunch of them on Twitter for some vicarious BlogHer action.

Exciting, no?

Then I found a site that let us be even more awkward in a trying-to-be-cool-but-stick-it-to-the-popluars kind of way: BlogHer at Home. I found some cool new blogs in the process, but couldn't bring myself to join the video chats. There's a reason why I blog, right? Antisocial comes to mind. Also, pimples. And pajamas.

But here's the thing: aside from when the Bloggess mentioned that she got to fondle Tim Gunn (dudes, I'd go transgender for him...well, maybe not. Can chicks be drag queens? I'd do that...maybe...), the tweets from these conference-goers were, like, ridiculous. (NO, fondling Tim Gunn is not ridiculous.)

In other words, there was a WHOLE LOTTA drama, guys! Like, weird, suggestive tweets that were ironic in a completely obvious and un-ironic manner! And people thanking others for NOT talking shit! And, like chatter about the coolest parties and hookups! Okay, maybe not the hookups. (Unless you count the Tim Gunn incident. Yes, I'm obsessed.)


I still can't quite wrap my head around it. People are always all "Oh, high school drama! Glad I'm done with THAT." But really? Because apparently it's just "Oh, lifelong drama! Glad I'm engrossed in THAT." I don't know. Jealousy, self-esteem, money, talent. Sure, it's part of the game to harbor these emotions, but--am I crazy?--if there's an opportunity to learn from others, can't we push that shit aside? WE'RE GROWNUPS.


On a lighter note, ON TO THE SUPERLATIVES! I mean an AWARD for my coolness TALENT!

HardlyHearsHimself (dude, the name?) over at Conversations With Myself gave me this award. Which I like, because it includes the word "crap" in a non-technically kind of way. But also, let's throw out a disclaimer. I'm not sure this kid is 21 and yet he's too fond of alcohol. And the wacky-tabacky. And since I was AN ANGEL in my younger years, I can speak from experience with COMPASSION and the desire to SAVE HIS SOUL. So go read his blog and encourage him to talk to Dr. Drew. Because he doesn't do just sex anymore. Dr. Drew, that is.

With this award, you're supposed to reveal 10 things about yourself that NO ONE knows. Which, I'm not sure is possible. Because I don't do exciting things when I'm completely alone. And if I ever do, I pretty much always tell someone. Because I'm an attention-seeker like that. But I'll give it a go:

1. I have never made out with George Clooney. Or Brad Pitt, for that matter.

2. Last night, I walked up the hill behind my house, IN MY PAJAMAS, and told the douchebags with YOUNG CHILDREN to cease and desist the fucking RAVE they were holding in their garage. I guess I'm "that woman" now. I don't mind it, either.

3. I went to Spain in college and subsited on pastries for nearly 8 days. I came back a fatter, more worldly woman. I was also groped by an 8 year-old. I pretty much hate Spain.

4. I almost quit my job teaching to pursue music journalism in NYC. I'm glad that didn't work out. Seriously.

5. I have lots of good-for-the-planet shopping bags, but I ALWAYS forget to bring them to the grocery store. Heh.

6. I broke my finger in sixth grade while trying to catch a kick ball. I guess even the teacher thought it was the most ridiculous thing ever because he didn't let me go to the nurse. When I went to the doctor, they had to "break it back" the right way. He totally tricked me right before he did it ("I'm just going to check it; I won't hurt you.") and I pretty much think he should be stripped of his license. Still.

7. I hold onto grudges. I'm kind of into self-improvement. Even in book form. I guess I'm THAT woman, too.

8. I almost never brush my hair. I'm just recently realizing this might be another area for improvement.

9. After reading the first few chapters of Twilight, I'm realizing that I will never be willing to write bullshit in order to be rich and famous. Which kind of puts a kink in the ol' rich-and-famous plan because that's kind of all I can write.

10. You know when you bite your cheek or tongue accidentally? Yeah, well, I'm not sure how this is physically possible, but I tend do do that UNDER MY TONGUE. Like, I bite my tongue-pit. Heh.

Who else wants an award?! You pass it on to TEN other blogs, which is kind of excessive in my opinion, so I'm knocking it down to five (because, honestly, I've given away so many BS awards, that I'm going to start doubling up I fear.):

Mo "Mad Dog" Stoneskin He's such a funny storyteller. I think he's Australian? He was a Jelly Biter, too, people.
Mr. London Street This guy too, but also, the driest, side-splitting humor I've read in a long time. Those freaking Brits.
Diamond Pewpin' Carnivore Because we're Internet BFF's, natch.
White-Collar Redneck I've only recently become a reader of this site, but I was instantly hooked on his toothbrush manifesto. For real.
Yo Mama's Blog (Even though she made me kill my cat.)


*For real:


  1. wow - you just won this twice because I just gave it to you too!!

  2. I have the eco-friendly bags, too. They stay in my laundry room. I always get to Target and think, " where is that--"*snaps fingers*"--right! It's in the laundry room!"

  3. Hi! I came here via Jules at Mean Girl Garage, so blame her if I start stalking you. And yes, you should've won "Coolest Hair."

  4. I'm still trying to figure out how you bit your tongue pit. Do you have those retractable teeth like snakes?

    Are you some sort of wacky snake-lady?

  5. Too bad you had to wait in the van while all the "cool people" were at BlogHer. I'm sure you had much more fun and you got to stay in your pajamas to do it!

    About those eco-friendly bags... I also forget and leave them at home too, but then every once in awhile I still want those plastic suckers. I use them for trash can liners. It always seems silly to me to be all green and use the eco-friendly bags and then buy plastic garbage bags.

  6. TIM: I think it makes us doubly wasteful, huh? Also, dumb.

    Dingo: I have a soft spot for stalkers. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought orange was hot in 1997.

    NotBenny: Seriously, I have no clue. Every time it happens I'm equal parts OUCH! and WHAT THE HELL?!

    CatLady: I'm the same way! In my super-scientific study, I have found that Target bags are usually the best for these purposes. Stretchy and large! My life is fulfilling.

  7. I can't believe I'm the first one to comment about how you looked like Molly Ringwald! Did you ever give your panties to a geek?

  8. Thanks, this is lovely of you. I don't really do awards as you know but I do occasionally mention getting them and thank people and post about blogs I really like. And when I do that next I can see you falling into both categories.

    I have to say BlogHer sounds pretty vile. But then not being an American or woman I'm pretty much in the most oppressed minority in blogland. Me and Mo Stoneskin will have to set up "BlokeHim" which will just be the two of us skulking in a pub talking shite.

  9. congrats on your award...anything with the word crap in it is awesome!!!

    the whole thing about telling the rave kids to keep it down, made me laugh, as I do that regularly, in my pajamas. I just figured it went with the whole "psycho mom of teenager" persona...

    and I have dodged Twilight and Harry Potter in my household. don't ask me how, but I figure it has greatly reduced my chances of winning the lottery (lightning can't strike THREE times, right?)

  10. If Dingo stalks you, it's totally NOT my fault. But she was famous. Just sayin. So that makes me cool now, right?

  11. I too came here via Mean Girl (not that I know how I got to Mean Girl though).

    Regarding #6 on your list, I mistakenly read...I broke my finger in sixth grade while trying KICK a opposed to "catch a kick ball". I laughed out loud so hard...which luckily wasn't so bad since it's after hours at work and hardly anyone is here...but still bad enough that the one other person still in the office IMMEDIATELY grabbed her keys and said "see you tomorrow!"

  12. SMUK: That's actually the first time EVER anyone's said that. I used to mail my panties to random names I'd find in the phone book, so one of 'em was bound to find a geek, eh?

    Mr. London: See, even your comments make me laugh! BlokeHim sounds awesome and I will grow out my mustache so that I can join.

    Stephanie: I *love* that I am not the only pissed-off-pajama-wearing woman shaking her finger at 10 pm in this world. Also, don't tell anyone but I'm kind of hooked on Twilight. Fuck.

    Jules: TOTALLY. My claim is (as you may have noticed since I like to talk about it a lot) that I went to school with a guy who's on a TV show now. And I was mean to him ALL the time. That pretty much makes me a rockstar.

    Texas: It might as well have been! I wish I grew up in the era of cellphone cameras, because I'd give good money to see me in that moment. True (absence of) grace, I am. And I love that you laughed at it (seriously!) even more!

  13. Since we are BBFF's I totally think you should have won best hair and that gives me the right to track down the person who did win best hair and punch them in their stupid hair. Hopefully that stupid hair is covering their faces because I'm pretty sure punches are best delivered to the face. Or so says my doctor. Who agreed when I punched him in the face.

    And damn you BBFF! For giving me an honesty award! You know I like lying!

  14. Congrats on your award! I can't believe you haven't made out with George Clooney yet!

    Always great to see the lovely Mr Stoneskin get a much deserved award, he's a top bloke.

    I'm intrigued by this BlogHer business, I've seen a lot of lady bloggers talk about it and it all seems a bit sinister to me. I need to know more!

  15. so instead of holding onto a grudge and being hurt that when i tagged you for this a million years ago and you pretty much said it was lame, i will say congrats to you for being liked by lots of cool people :)

    i know how hard you work to make the van a nice place to visit, as well as a reflection of yourself, and for that i'm sending you a big internet hug and a 'well done!'

    (also, i forgot all about that pic. i can't believe how bad my triangle hair was, yours was way more normal compared to my mess or t cutting her own hair with a sewing scissor.)

  16. You bite your tongue pit? Are you part shark and have an extra row of teeth?

  17. If Dingo stalks you, it's totally NOT my fault. But she was famous. Just sayin. So that makes me cool now, right?

  18. I can't believe I'm the first one to comment about how you looked like Molly Ringwald! Did you ever give your panties to a geek?

  19. I have the eco-friendly bags, too. They stay in my laundry room. I always get to Target and think, " where is that--"*snaps fingers*"--right! It's in the laundry room!"