Friday, July 17, 2009

I Should've Been in Movies. I Mean A WRITER!

Often I think that living with me must be pretty much the most awesomest thing ever. Non-stop laughter and stunning good looks and pretty much a walking encyclopedia (yeah, I can Google.).

Then other times I think maybe it's kind of weird and uncomfortable and pretty much like being trapped in a creepy Tim Burton film. You're scared, yet intrigued. It's kind of dark and mysterious, but also super...--well, okay, it's frightening. Let's just get that out there. And that wretchedly-dressed, odd woman with terrible hair is always around.


But I don't know, maybe it's less Tim Burton and more Grease or something. Because my point here is sure, I'm kind of hobo-looking and have bad hair, but also that I sing. Like, as if I'm in a musical.



My husband and I could be in the middle of a typical conversation about our day when suddenly our bed spins to stage center and the spotlight shines down on my face as I stretch my arms to the sky. The hub props himself up in bed by the palms of his hand, rubs his eyes and stares, aghast at what he has married. Or I suppose it could be pride. Men are so hard to read sometimes.

The Hub: Where did that light come from? It's fucking bright.

Me
: [Loud, echoey stage voice.] Oh, honey, you're so SILLY! But anyway, so Plus One was pretty good today...other than the meltdown and almost killing T9 with a Bumbo chair.

The Hub: [Blinking, squinting, yawning, confused, probably shaking a little.] We'll just have to work hard on keeping on top of his tanturms. Especially if he's taking it out on T9...but really...that light?

Me: I know, hun. I AM working really hard...

HAAAAA-ARRD FOR MY MONEY! SO HAAAA-AAARD FOR IT HONEY! I WORK HARD FOR THE MONEY SO YOU BEEETERRRR TREAT ME RI-IIGHT!

The Hub: *sigh*

Aaahnd, scene.

[Later, the curtain draws and we're on the telephone. The Hub is traveling for work and I've just put the children to bed. I'm sitting on the couch asking him about his day.]

The Hub: [Sleepy, groggy-voiced.] Nothing exciting to report, really. Just the same ol' crap at work.

Me: [Eerily chipper, despite frazzled hair and stained pajamas.] I hear you. Same on the home front, love-of-my-life. We miss you lots.

The Hub: Yeah, I miss you, too.

Me: Well, I guess that it's just that...

IIIIIIII AIN'T GOT NOOOH-BAHHHHH-DEE! NOBODY! NOBODY! AND....IIIIIIII'M SOOOO SAAAHD AND LOOOOOOOHN-LEE! SADANDLONELYSADANDLONEY!

The Hub: *sigh*

------

So you can pretty much imagine my husband's pain my pain when you learn that a fellow classmate of mine from elementary school and college is the one who's in US Weekly on a regular basis. Oh, I mean, makes movies. Or, is on TV shows. Whatever. Clearly I'm the one who was born to be famous.


Since I always blew him off (talk about socially awkward! no, but for real.), I'm pretty sure his heart still aches for me. But let me just take this opportunity to remind you, DAVE ANNABLE, that I'm married. And happily. So you can stop calling now.

But hook me up with Oprah. I'm so ready.


Me: [To Oprah, super serious, playing with my hair.] My plan is to more or less invent the kind of book that looks kindly upon childish drawings and occasional bits of writing. Maybe with room for my musical sound-effects?

Oprah: [Stares, twitches her finger, which I'm pretty sure is code for SECURITY!]

Me: [Hurried, shoving off grabs from men with earpieces.] Well, aside from the ones that already exist for kids...you know, with the buttons . JUST HEAR ME OUT OPRAH.

Man that woman can be such a ....

OOOOOH-OOOOOOH WIIITCH-AY WOOOOH-MAAHN!

10 comments:

  1. I think the Tom Cruise/Oprah pic is my favorite, though it's hard to choose.

    I totally laughed out loud like a crazy person at the I ain't got nobody part.

    Awesomesauce.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Listen, the fact is that you have mad photoshop skills(z), so I think you should just run with it for a while. Don't fight it. Maybe do a contest or a reader's spotlight thing where you photoshop other people into bizarre situations and make them say funny things in thought bubbles. I'm not just saying this because I don't have any kind of photoshop and I want to be a fairy princess, I'm saying it because I'm looking out for you. For. You.

    ReplyDelete
  3. See, I was reading your initial conversation with your husband and setting the words to the soundtrack from "Into the Woods"...and it worked, really well.

    But then you went and shifted gears and...well...kind of threw me off. And here, Hub was making such a good Prince Charming.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The references were dropping faster than stock prices at the end of the dot com era.
    ps - you are a good writer

    ReplyDelete
  5. I call Jeremiah love-of-my-life all the time and it strangely irritates him...
    I break out in song all the time too...doesn't seem like that bothers him as much.
    So let's recap: Jeremiah doesn't like being referred to as the 'love-of-my-life', but doesn't mind having me blare random songs at him at awkward times? He's a Keeper!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow! Somebody else who breaks out into song at weird moments. Actually, I do more with sound effects, especially when I'm driving. I like to embarrass my kid that way.
    BTW... I like what you've been doing with your hair lately. Can I get the contact info for your hairdresser? Or don't you like to share?

    ReplyDelete
  7. If only everybody did the same thing!

    Yes, the world would be even more f*cked up than it already is ... but at least we'd all die with a smile on our face and a song in our heart.

    Ps: You should be a superstar ... you totally have the hair for stardom

    ReplyDelete
  8. Let me just clarify here very quickly: You are on Angel Dust, right???

    ReplyDelete
  9. The references were dropping faster than stock prices at the end of the dot com era.
    ps - you are a good writer

    ReplyDelete
  10. See, I was reading your initial conversation with your husband and setting the words to the soundtrack from "Into the Woods"...and it worked, really well.

    But then you went and shifted gears and...well...kind of threw me off. And here, Hub was making such a good Prince Charming.

    ReplyDelete